we've moved! :)

we're no longer waiting on Michael, now we're just confused and stumbling our way through life. the new blog is located at http://feminineenigma.blogspot.com/

on saturday march 27th Michael came home. what a relief. he's already dealt with his mother, i think she'll be easier to handle now! haha anyway, since this blog is titled "waiting on michael" and i'm no longer waiting on him, i guess things end here. i've gone back and read my archives, and it amazes me how many feelings and emotions that i'd never have remembered if it hadnt been for this blog. its also amazing how much i have changed, and how much M and I have changed as a couple. mostly, for the good, which is a relief. the wedding is exactly one month away, so this will be a very busy month for us. luckily, i think we've made it through the hardest part......what a year!!

What is Love?

I guess everyone has different opinions of what love is, and what its meant to be. But, do any of us really know? I asked my 5-year-old son what love was. his answer was "its when you want to be with someone forever, but you cant". a little cynical for 5, dont you think? i was curious, so i asked him why we couldnt be with someone forever. and he said its because you just cant. no one gets to be with who they want to be forever. has my cynicism rubbed off on him? has he been affected by more than i thought, over the years? have i not hidden my pain from him, they way i thought i did? and is he right? is that love? just wanting to be with someone forever? and can we really? so, what happens when we no longer want to spend the rest of our life with someone? does that mean we dont love them anymore?

i think love is sacrifice. i think love is caring more about someone else than you do about yourself. i think love is giving more than you take, and never regretting that. but, maybe love is different for everyone. i also think that love is a choice, one that we make every day. i dont think you fall in love, i think you decide to love. so, the one who says "i wasnt ready when we were together" really just means, "i decided not to love you". so, if we can decide to love, cant we also decide NOT to love?

but what about the one who says "i didnt know what love was". maybe they did love, but didnt recognize it as that. isnt that possible? maybe they met all the criteria for love, but, somehow had expected it to be something more, or something different than what it was. then, once that person was gone, the loss they felt made then go, "wow, is this what love feels like?" i think its possible. sadly, its almost always too late.

so, how important is love? i think thats the big question. is it more important than commitment, honor, duty, justice? or is it just meant to compliment those things? i've always wondered about the saying "if you cant be with the one you love, then love the one you're with". are you honor-bound to love the one that you're with, and release your heart from the one that got away? or is love more important, and should you seek out the one you love at all cost?

is it possible to love two people? i certainly dont see why not. and this, is where all the other attributes come in. honor, committment, honesty. if you love two people, how do you choose? do you follow your heart, or your head? do you do what feels good, or what you know to be right? do you sacrifice your own feelings to spare anothers? or, can you make a decision to only love one person, and then decide every day, not to let the past love affect your future?

so, my final decision is this: love, like any other emotion, is only a hindrance in the decisions that we must make daily, for the benefit of ourselves and those around us.

something's happening with michael. i dont know as much as i'd like to, and i cant share what i know. all i know is that he is probably in danger, and i wont hear from him for awhile. so, i try not to think about it, and i certainly dont want to talk about it.

i am grouchy, grouchy, grouchy! monday night, i t/w M's dad, and i thought we had the rehearsal dinner thing all settled. it was a plan i could live with. a group of 20-25 out on the lake, grilling out. there's a covered shelter etc. sounded fun... then, SHE got involved. she is the devil. SHE decided that she wanted to have it elsewhere....can you guess where? yup! remember the friends that i didnt even really want to invite? well, now she wants to have it at their house. crap! i know she could tell by the tone in my voice that i wasnt thrilled at that idea. but, did she care? oh no. anyway, that happened on tuesday evening. so, i calmly sent M and email telling him that i didnt want to do that. so, i suggested either we have 2 seperate dinners (my family one place, his another) or have no dinner at all. basically, i am refusing to go to this woman's house. i dont like her, she makes me very uncomfortable, etc. anyway, he answers my email, but doesnt address the dinner. so, wednesday morning when we are talking online again, i bring it up. he avoids. i bring it up again. he tells me that we will discuss it when he gets home. unacceptable. when he gets home will be too late to back out. and i am not being coerced into this. so i got mad. i fired off at him. it turned into a huge, wedding-cancelled fight. i hurt his feelings. he said he was "in shock". and that he didnt even know what to say to me. that he felt everything he'd done in the last year, all the changes, were for nothing. i felt bad...but only a little. after all, i only wanted him to make one tiny decision. anyway, he finally decides no dinner... whatever, i dont care. so he asks if we are ok? i said i guess. he asks if the wedding is back on, i say i guess. he says "guess?". i told him to take his victories however he gets them. he asked what that was supposed to mean. it means, i'm not happy. it means i dont want a big wedding. it means this whole thing sucks. but...i'm doing it. for him. so, the least he can do is BACK OFF a little bit. then, he "informs" me that he's just found out he has to caravan across iraq. through some major hotspots before coming home. basically, he's going to be in some pretty serious danger. i dont know whether or not to believe him. why? because before he shipped out, every single time we got into a fight, he'd call me with some BS line like "i just found out i'm shipping out to iraq tomorrow, and i will probably die...i hope you're happy that you're not speaking to me...see ya". used to make me SO mad. and, of course, every time, it was a lie. very annoying! but, there's always the tiny chance that he's telling the truth. its like emotional blackmail. very annoying!! anyway, i guess we got off on ok terms, and i didnt hear from him today. what really pisses me off about that, is i KNOW he got my email, he just didnt answer. and he wasnt online this morning. juvenile. and then there's the itty bitty part of me that thinks "what if he's hurt, what if he's dead". and i know he's not, bc i'd have heard...or would i? i hate the constant doubts. anyway!! on to lighter subjects
i bought wedding invitations today. i have a friend that works at a printing company...so my grand total for wedding invitations?! $22. nice huh? they arent my favorite style, but hey who cares, they're $22!! lol
marci hasnt been around today. i'm thinking maybe she's not at work today. she may be doing something with the kids, since they are oin spring break. which means i have no one to talk to!
ok, now back to M's mom. i emailed her and told her no dinner. she said she understood, but her FRIEND would be "greatly disappointed". gee, like i freaking care! what about me? i'm disappointed. it's MY wedding, and i cant have a rehearsal dinner, bc they are ridiculous. it sucks. she's manipulative and controlling. basically, i wrote her back and told her friend would get over it. then i said that i was going out to eat w/my family and my attendants, and suggested they do the same...maybe she'd take the hint what the problem was. she didnt, she just wrote back and called me a party pooper. whatever lady!!
at marci's suggestion, i called a girlfriend last night and asked her if she wanted to go out for a little while. she'd had a crappy two days at work, so she said absolutely. lol we went out for about 2 hours to a local pub...well, ok i dont know what else to call it. its more like a bar, but its pretty small, and they do have food. but, its mainly a bar. anyway, it wasnt very crowded, so we stayed for a few hours had a couple of drinks (me one, her two) and bitched about our crappy week thus far! lol it was nice, though, to blow off some steam, and i felt better afterwards.
all i know, is that i will be SO glad when may 1st is over!!

drama, drama, drama. it seems to be the story of my life. every time i think his mother and i are beginning to get along, she does something (IMHO) to undermine me, and my relationship with michael. its enough to make ya scream. we all know about the "ticket" incident. well, here's the latest. michael's parents decided to forego the rehearsal dinner. so MY mother offered to get the wedding party, and the parents (only) together the night before the wedding, so that M and I will be able to give out our gifts. michael's mother then decides to invite people... does this make sense? i mean, she doesnt want to throw the dinner, but she's perfectly willing to invite people? none of MY family is coming. none of MY friends are invited. so, why is it that she should be allowed to invite HER friends? and thats just it, they are friends. not even family. which makes it all the more annoying. if it were a "rehearsal" dinner, i'd have no problem with it. but we were just supposed to be getting the parents together, and of course the wedding party since some of them will be from out of town, and its only polite to feed them...;) lol i just felt that it was EXTREMELY rude of her to invite people, especially when i made it quite clear who was invited. and even if she WAS paying, since when did MY wedding become all about HER?? very frustrating! so anyway, i said no to the friends being invited. very nicely i might add. so, what does SHE do? she goes online and whines to michael about it. so then michael jumps down my throat. he wants them there, blah blah. they are like family to him, blah blah. SO WHAT i have plenty of friends that are "like family". hell, i have plenty of family, but you dont see me inviting them all do you? NO because it is not a freaking rehearsal dinner!!!!!! UUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so anyway, i told michael to just cancel the whole damn thing. if his parents want to go out to eat with their damn friends, they certainly dont need MY wedding as an excuse to do it. so i told michael it was totally up to him whether he chooses to have dinner with me or his parents the night before our wedding. i'm assuming he chose them. its frustrating for me, but, what can i do? i almost feel like the rest of my life is going to be this way. competing with his mother for him. and i'm not all that in to that scene.... part of me wants to bail. i mean, i'm already stuck with 100% of the expense for a wedding that i never wanted to have in the first place. if you ask me, he and his parents should be footing that damned bill. but, NNNNNOOOOOOO, i am paying for it all. i am shelling out SEVERAL thousand dollars towards a day in which i will be totally miserable and uncomfortable. all because he and his mother wanted a wedding...what the hell am i marrying in to? freaks...

so anyway, in other news...my son eats NO fruits. and NO veggies. wait, i take that back. he will eat the cherries and the pears out of canned fruit cocktail. and he does eat corn. anyway, i am obsessed with raisinets. i love em. guess who will eat them? yup, the non-fruit eating son. but, will he eat raisins? no however, that little bit of chocolate gives him the motivation to eat the raisins. lol. good parenting? perhaps not. but THANK YOU raisinets for keeping my kid regular. lol

anyway, back to the michael saga...yes, it is my life. he tells me this morning on the computer that JESSICA (we all remember her from may 03) called his mother yesterday asking all sorts of questions about when he'd be home etc. supposedly his mom told her that she wasnt sure when he was getting home but that he was getting married as soon as he did get home, and not to call the house again. why dont i believe that? especially not the "dont call us again" part. UGH i'll ask his dad. he seems to be the only one in that family who gives it to me straight. thank God for that one glimmer of sanity.

well, thats all the news and updates for today folks...

ok, its been awhile...again...get over it. my weekend sucked! to start off, we'll need to do some back tracking. appx 2 weeks ago, michael's mother emailed him (and me) and told us that jimmy buffett was coming to town. i'm not a fan, but both michael and his dad are. anyway, michael asked me to go, i didnt want to (since its 2 days before the wedding) but it was a big deal to him so i agreed. so, he tells his folks to get 2 tickets for him. actually, he has me email his mom and tell her. so, she writes back and says something like "oh, YOU'RE goin? i thought he could just go with the guys, in lieu of a bachelor party or something". THEN, the next sentence was "of course, i'd like to go, since i've never been". she'd told me previously that their best friends (another couple) were going to be going, and also that michael's best friend would definitely be taking his fiance. so, lets get this straight...everyone is invited but me? anyway, michael said too bad for her, he wasnt going without me. so, fine, thats settled, right? ummmm, no. saturday, michael says for me to call his mom and make sure she got the tickets. which i do. at which time she says to me "well, we have a problem. i was only able to get 6 tickets, instead of 8, so i guess if YOU'RE gonna go, that means his brother wont get to go". oh drama. then they try to tell michael that they (his parents) will give up their tickets. which means that me, michael, his little brother (15) and his friend, and a couple his dad works with (in their 50's) are all going to a concert together. NO THANKS. i'm not babysitting at a buffett concert. anyway, i told michael, no way, i was not doing it, i was not going. so, i think the folks are mad. like i freaking care!!! two days after that concert, i will be her son's WIFE, and she thinks i shouldnt be included? ugh!!! anyway!!

on a lighter note, i went and paid half on one of the bridesmaids dresses today. (i really dont think she can swing it, and feel bad bc it is almost $200) and i paid for my new dress. the other one just isnt going to cut it for the ceremony we have planned. my mother and i are going tomorrow to look at headpieces to try and decide what i want to do...oh joy. i still have to pick out shoes, and decide on the headpiece, and try not to change my mind on flowers, etc etc etc. wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

wow hard to believe its been this long since i've blogged. i guess there's been so much going on that i havent found the time. so, lets see, as far as the wedding, dresses have been ordered, the cake has been picked out, as have the flowers. we're going to skip the ring bearer and flower girl, and i think my son is going to walk me down the aisle. he's excited about wearing a tux! there was some drama over the tuxes by the way! i guess m's brother didnt like the tux i picked out, so they worked pretty hard to get M to say he didnt like it, but in the end i won out. its about time i got to choose something in this darn wedding! :) had another planning session with the wedding place, things are going smoothly. bought my pen and guest book, and i have a neat idea to put everyone's picture (from that day) beside their "autograph". should be pretty cool i think. will let you know how that goes.
the kids are great, the baby grows so much every day i can hardly believe it! M gets to see her often on webcam, which makes him happy. she's a beauty. my son punched a kid at school today! busted his lip open. i have no idea why. he gave no reason. lovely huh?
we got a puppy. a cocker spaniel, very cute-very annoying. i am not much on housebreaking animals. i've heard that the best thing to do is crate train them, but he cries the whole time he is in the crate...even all night long. it is horrible. its only been 3 nights though, so i'm hoping he will learn soon!! that little brat craps everywhere!! its disgusting. i never knew one little puppy could hold so much poo! he doesnt go in the crate though, which is i guess how they are trained. maybe i should have waited until M got home to get the dog, but i figured i was safer getting a dog i liked, than waiting until he gets home and getting stuck with some nasty pointer or something!
dont you hate when you think you have SO much to say, and then, really, you have nothing? i just keep thinking, what have i done the last 3 weeks...nothing.
still having some doubts about michael's homecoming. the nearer it draws, the more anxious i get. only 6 weeks now. i heard a rumor that he may be home a couple of weeks early, but we all know how rumors are. i think they said around the 20th of march, but i'm not going to get my hopes up. the 10th of april is not that much farther. i'm nervous about seeing him. i know it sounds crazy. i was nervous when he came home on midtour and that worked out fine. the moment i saw him, it was all ok. but, now, we are getting married. its right around the corner. and that is what makes me the most nervous. the word husband carries some scary connotations for me. i dont know anyone with a good marriage. and the few people that i DO know that have a great marriage, is only because they've toughed it out for 30 years, and now have nothing left to fight about! i'm just scared that he's going to screw up. i know that i should trust him, and i do, but sometimes i wonder if all these strong emotions that he's having arent directly related to the situation he is in. what if he gets home and says "hey, i'm ready to party". i wont be able to deal with that. michael and i used to argue often because he said i gave too many ultimatums. i dont think i do. i simply present, up front, the things i will not put up with. the choice was always his to make. if those things were more important than me, well, then he was welcome to them. the main one being that i am not going to date a drunk. if you have to go out 2-3 nights a week and get trashed, then you are not the guy for me. how is that an ultimatum? i'm not telling him that he cant drink. i'm telling him that i cant be with an alcoholic. i see a distinct difference... so many times i told him "i cant deal with you anymore" so many times i begged him to just let me be. he always said i was being headstrong, and independent to a fault, and pushing him away. i dont see it that way. i didnt need him. i could do it on my own. so when did that change? when did i begin to NEED him-or anyone-in my life to feel complete? when did i change? was it just a part of growing up? or something more sinister? a dependence on a man to make my life whole? perhaps that is why even now, i dont always trust him. perhaps i desire to find him making mistakes as an excuse to push him away. there are always these thoughts in the back of my head that say he will screw up. and at least i will have been somewhat prepared. i will never be blindsided again. is that fair to him? maybe not. but, what if i am right? what if i throw caution to the wind, instill complete trust in him, and he screws up? then i'm left broken-hearted, and whats more, looking like a fool. at least if i keep walls up, i may be hurt, but never foolish. i will have expected it all along, so that the shock is not so extreme. but, living with walls, is it really living? how close can you really let someone get, if you're guarded? sometimes i dont think i give as much of myself as he does. sometimes i think i cant. that i'm not capable. and then i feel sorry for him. but then, the nagging voice in the back of my head reminds me of past lies that he's told, and the walls, are stronger than ever. it may take years of building trust (and intense therapy) to get over this. what if he's not willing to stick it out? what if he's not willing to be there, to put up with my array of shit while i deal with my issues on trust? is it fair for him to reap the consequences for past men? perhaps it is, since he has contributed to those issues. i dont know anymore. all i know is that i wont find out until he is home, and we have a concrete foundation on which to build. sometimes, i feel like i am marrying a stranger. and maybe i am. i'm sure he's changed in the last year, i know i have. but i do love him. and i do believe he loves me. is that enough to make it work?