day 7. one week ago today he left. not much to speak of these days. its amazing how fast and yet how slowly this first week has gone by. it seems like an eternity since i first started this blog. but at the same time, it seems like only yesterday that he left me. i think i'm going to cut these updates down to once a week or so, unless something important is going on. of course as i get updates from michael i'll post those, but that boy's lack of writing skills will make those few and far between, i'm quite sure. he didnt call this morning. i knew i was going to do it. i woke up all during the night and morning thinking i'd missed the phone ringing. i stayed by the phone, not even getting in the shower, until 8am trying to wait on his call. which was pointless. i knew he wasnt supposed to call today, but i kept thinking he would. of course he didnt. he got what he wanted. he gave me his address, and his $100 worth of stuff is on its way, so he's happy. why should he call me? ok, i'm going to stop this. he's too far away to be angry...another update in a few days.

i have started packing michaels package. i sent him a letter in it talking about the baby, and how things are here. i also talked to him about the "trust" issue and the password thing. maybe he'll understand now. it should be all ready to go tomorrow. i got some little stuff that was "easter-ish" since he cant have an easter basket. i'm going to have my son draw him an easter basket and color it and have eggs in it and tell him thats his easter basket! :) corny, but i think its little things like that which will make it easier for him. and anything my son does, michael thinks is pure gold anyway! so i know he'll enjoy that. well, my work day is over, more tmw.

day 6. for the most part, the bleeding in the heart has stopped, but the gaping hole is still there. i think seeing the POW's rescued, hearing from him 3 times now, and hearing that the war is "basically over". have all helped the terror subside. he called for the 3rd time this morning. it does help to have a normal conversation with him. to hear him laugh, tell me he loves me, and ask me to do stuff for him is almost like he's still here! hehe i still cry when i talk about it, but its only been a week. i cant be expected to be ok already. right? when i think about the hysteria that defined my emotions exactly one week ago, i know that i have gotten a little better. no its still not easy, but i have gone from lying awake for 4 hours in the night to only about 2. which is an improvement. i actually didnt cry when he called this morning. not even when he had to go. being a little angry at him helped some! lol i asked him for his email password and he told me h*ll no. so i was ticked. i didnt fuss at him, we didnt argue, i just said ok. he said i was beating a dead horse. what a brat. how dead can they horse be if the chics are still calling?!?!?! gggggrrrrr. i'll show him, i'll get into his email and then lock his butt out of it. then he'll have to ask ME for the password. so there. lol nah, maybe not, thats not nice. and i am nice. i'm sending him contacts, dip, phone cards, all kinds of stuff. this one pkg is way over $100. boy does he owe me big!!! lol

did i post about tasha calling? it was sunday that i got her msg i think. she's so ignorant. she's an ex-girlfriend of his (from WAY back) and he hates her! she left him a msg several mos ago telling him that if he didnt call her back, she was gonna take the hint and not bother him anymore. well DUH, honey, why are you still calling? it wouldn't be so bad if she didn't embarass herself by saying purely uneducated things like "why didnt you tell me you was going cross seas". did they not teach english at redneck high? poor girl. i almost feel sorry for her. she has no idea the depths to which he despises her. i mean, dont we usually break up with people for a reason? she cheated on him. with one of his best friends. for months!!! he hates her. how could she think otherwise?!?! is she that stupid? it must be sad to be so completely clueless. poor dumb girl. too bad she doesnt have the blond thing as an excuse

day 5. michael called this morning. it was almost like my regular morning wake-up call. he called collect, which i'm sure will be murder on my phone bill, but, at least he called!! he has an address, which he'll call back tmw and give me bc he forgot to bring it with him today! haha what a nut. i actually feel a little better after talking to him. it will be about 2 wks before he leaves to go wherever it is that he's going. he wants to make sure i get the address ASAP, bc he needs some more dip. gross! and even though i hate the stuff, and i hate that he does it, i'm a sucker, and i'll go get it and send it to him. he says he needs it, that's all that keeps him "sane". (hey-he was never sane before!!!) he said the food there gives him awful heartburn. said he thought maybe it was camel, he didnt ask he just ate it. ew! guess i'll send him some tums along with the dip, even though he only cared about his tobacco. ole nasty boy. does he ask for any hygiene products, or tums for his heartburn? NNNNOOOOOO all he wants is some sick ole dip. how gross! i swear, men, they dont change! lol well, thats really all the updates for now. he gave me the # of his shop (here in the US that is) so i could notify them when i went into labor and they could get a msg to him. not that it will do much good but at least he will know. that is some comfort. so, only good news today. i still cried like a baby when we got off the phone...buried my head in the pillow and just sobbed, so as not to wake up my son. i told michael what he said last night, i think i made him cry. he told me to give him a big "hug from michael". so i did. he hasnt quite figured out that michael is gone yet, and i havent told him. i think i'll wait a while.

no more word from michael. i felt a little better today, it helped once my son got home. i really dont have much to say right now. i sent him an email telling him the truth about checking his voicemail. i decided i'm going to have to put more effort into making this work, and making myself happy if i expect to make it through the next year. i need to find a way to shake off this depression and go to SLEEP!!! no one feels well when they havent slept. my son looked at a picture tonite of myself and michael and said to me "i want michael to be my daddy". my heart broke. i mean, he does love his dad, but he sure does love michael. as do i. everyone loves michael. he's just one of those people. ya cant help but love him. and i do. so, for him, i am going to stop this belly-aching and feeling sorry for myself, i'm going to pick myself up, plan our wedding, have this baby, take care of my son, and i'm gonna make it. because i have to. there are too many people in this world that depend on me to be strong. i cant just go falling apart and lettin them down! my son needs me. my unborn child needs me. and michael needs me. and it may hurt like hell every day, but i'm gonna push that aside, and strive on. he'll be ok. he'll come home. and then we'll be a family. and we'll be happy. and until then, i have to make the best of the hand that God has dealt me. even if it means doing it alone.

A California mother whose son is right now in Kuwait poised to knock
Saddam's block off, wrote her son asking how he would feel if she joined
other relatives of service members in an anti-war demonstration in Hollywood
last month. After reading her son's response, she elected not to
participate.







Dear Mom:

It's really your decision to march if you want to or not. You are the one
who has to decide if what we are doing out here is right or not. My opinion
is not yours. I do, however,have things I would like for you and Grandma and
everyone else at home to know. I am a United States soldier.

I was sworn to defend my country against all enemies, foreign and domestic.
People may not agree with the things we are ordered to do. I would like to
address those people by telling them that terrorism is not only a threat to
us as Americans, but to many other innocent people in the world.

What type of country would we be if we didn't defend the rights and freedoms
of others, not because they're Americans, but how about just because they're
human? We live in a country where people feel secure with their daily lives.
They do business like usual and don't worry about the thought of terrorism
actually happening to them.

The people of 9-11 thought the same thing. We now know that it can happen to
anyone at any time. Yet as Americans we're afraid of losing our soldiers to
defend our security. I can only speak for myself when I say that my life is
an easy expense to ensure that my family and friends can live in peace.
I strongly believe in what we are doing and wish you were here to see for
yourselves the honor and privilege that American soldiers aboard this ship
are feeling, knowing that we are going to be a part of something so strong
and so meaningful to the safety of our loved ones. Then you would know what
this potential war is about. We will stand tall in front of terrorism and
defeat it. We as soldiers are not afraid of what may happen. We are only
afraid of Americans not being able to understand why we are here. I ask for
your courage as Americans to be strong for us; I ask for your understanding
in what we believe is right. I ask for your support in what we are sworn to
do: defend our country and the life of all.
We will succeed in our task and will end the threat of terrorism in our back
yard. We will also end the threat of terrorism in our neighbors'.

We have to remind ourselves of what this country stands for: life, liberty
and justice for all. In order to maintain those rights we have to stop the
threat of terrorism.

I am proud to be here. I will be coming home, but not until I know that it's
going to be safe for all Americans and for everyone I love. My family is
first. My country is where they live. I will defend it.




Lonnie J. Lewis
Navy corpsman
C Co. 1/4 WPN PLT
UIC 39726
FPO AP 966139726



P.S. Mom, please send this to everyone who has a hard time understanding why
we are here. Ask the paper to put what I've said in a column so that others
will know why we are here and what we are here for. I love you all and will
be home soon. I left my address so that if anyone feels like writing to let
me know how they feel, they can.

day 4 has begun. its sunday now. hearing from michael did help me sleep a little. i was still awake at 6am though. despite that, its the best nights sleep i've had in almost a week. i keep waiting for the pain to lessen, even if only mildly, but it hasnt. i'm still obsessed with having a phone by my side in case he calls, and i check my email 50 times a day. i wanted to ask him, when he called, who Jessica was, but the lump in my throat wouldnt let me. it was so good just to know that he was ok, that all of the rest seemed to fade away. if it were possible to sleep, i think i'd just go back to bed. at least when you're sleeping the hole in your heart doesn't throb painfully. well, i guess i'll go watch the news now, with the phone by my side, and i'll run to the computer every commercial break to see if he has written. its almost 4:30 in the afternoon over there. and michael, wherever you are, we love you!