one month today. crazy isnt it? an entire month since he left. wow, how different i am now (emotionally) from the 9th of last month. i didnt think i'd live through that day. now, here we are, a month later. and i know that i'll be ok. i still miss him. i miss sharing things with him, i miss hearing him laugh, i miss him fussing with his hair (yes, he's one of those) for 20 minutes, only to have me go in there and fix it in 2, and him wondering "how in the world did she do that"?! he never did understand how i could fix his hair faster than he could. (c'mon now, he's in the army, there's not a lot up there, i dont know what the fuss was all about). i just miss everything about him. the horn beeping as he pulled out of the driveway, and headed home, the phone calls from the "halfway point" to let me know he only had an hour left, the laughing during movies, the way he got mad in the mornings because the cat would come lay with me and not him. it is MY cat after all! :-) but, its not a "painful" missing him anymore. it is in a way i guess. it still hurts a little. but, now, i can remember things about him, and they make me smile instead of making me cry. things do still make me cry, but now its only the big things, and not all of the little things. i still worry about him, i still hope he comes home early, but i dont depend on that to get me through the day. i know that i'll be ok, even if he does have to stay the whole year. i wont like it. it wont be easy. but i know that i can do it. i'm embarassed to admit, that every night for the last month, i have prayed for God to send him home in 90 days. EVERY night, without fail. i always threw in there, rather begrudgingly, some small line about "your will be done" (while secretly thinking, as long as his will is MY will). what i did find myself doing, probably 10 times a day, was whispering the serenity prayer. and i think i have finally been given the serenity to accept the things i can't change, and the wisdom to know this is one of those things. so, while i'll still pray for his safety, and his speedy return, i dont think i'll be putting time limits on God anymore. after all, he probably knows a little more about this than i do! :-)

ick, i hate my new moodiness!!! i sent michael the worst letter. he deserved it. actually, it was a very polite, "hello how are you" letter. like one you'd send a distant cousin. or a pen pal you just met. it was, decidedly chilly. i let him know that i knew he'd been less than honest about several things in our last conversation. but i did it in a way, that while, he WILL know, he won't be sure that i actually know. he knows he lied, and he knows that i know he lied, but he doesnt know that i've recognized it as a lie. i simply told him what billy's wife said, and then said that it was weird that he told me something different. he'll panic. it will be funny. too bad i wont be there to see it. i bet he calls. i guarantee if he's near a phone, he'll call when he gets that letter. he'll be all upset about how it wasnt all sweet and nice. good enough for the little shit. i'll feign innocence, with a slightly sarcastic tone, and he'll feel terrible, and promise to do better, and i'll pretend to have NO idea what he's talking about. little shit. i told him in the letter i was going to cancel any wedding plans, and also any plans to move where he lives. he'll freak out. haha i told him we'd have to wait and see how things work out once he gets back. he'll think he's being dumped for sure. thats what he gets. little shit. i didnt even tell him that i missed him, and only said "love ya" once, instead of the usual mushiness that i send. poor boy, i almost feel guilty. almost. i just think its so funny. because he knows me so well, he will miss every word that i "didnt say". but anyone else reading it would simply think it was a nice little note. it was only half a page. normally they are 3-4. he'll notice. yep, he will notice, and he will cry. too bad i wont be there to see it. perhaps he will learn...we should always tell the truth...little shit. how many times have i called him that now? not enough, however many it was! i'm so angry i want to send him scores of hate mail, but i know they won't be as effective. he needs to feel guilt and remorse, he does not need to feel defensive and angry. that doesnt get me what i want. when all else fails,you dont fight fire with fire, you fight fire with tears, they put it out quicker. it will probably take at least a month to receive an answer, if he cant call that is. it will probably take longer than that. i think it averages about 3 weeks to receive something, give him a few days to write back, and 3 weeks for me to get it...more like 2 mos before i get an answer. but, that's ok. bc that means its another month before HE gets HIS answer. and thats 2 mos he will be sweating. little shit. sweat away, i know its hot over there! ggrrrr, i'm so mad. and just think, i was all set to send him a cute little package this weekend, with "future dad" father's day gifts. ICK. he'll be lucky to even get a card. that little shit.

ok, i posted this whole long she-bang yesterday, and its gone. ggggrrrrrr. anyway, i dont feel like repeating any of it. however, today, i have a new complaint. remember i said that michael's mom had the email address of the wife of one of michael's sgt's? well, today, she sent me a fwd from the wife. apparently, her husband is a lot better writer and phone caller than michael is. see, michael called friday night, he only had like 5 minutes. they were getting ready to head out and he'd be unavailable for several months. no phone access etc. WELL, in billy's wife's email, she said billy had called her saturday night (and actually several times over the weekend) and they weren't actually heading out until sunday and he told her exactly where they would be going, and who they were traveling with. over the same freaking phone line that michael claims to not even be able to tell me what country he is in. not only that, but billy said they'd have no phones for a week, maybe more. a week folks, not several months. is michael lying to me? why would he not want to call me again the next day, if they were still at the base, and COULD call?!?!?! i hate feeling this way, i swear it. he tells me in one breath that he understands my trust issue, and in the next breath, he lies to me. was it intentional? we'll probably never know now will we? how can i "get over the drama" as i've so often said i wanted to, whenever it keeps building up. aaaaahhhhhh!!!!! why do i feel so betrayed?

ugh, i have become so self obsessed!! why hasn't anyone told me? wah wah, poor me, my boyfriend's gone. good lord, get a grip! i even get tired of hearing it. i think its all the stress of everything else that goes on day to day that i dont fuss about. its the kids, the jobs, the constant drama between family members, and then to top it all off, i dont have michael here to take my mind off of it. he was always the one who called and said "how was your day" and if i ever said "fine" he called me a liar! haha he wanted details on how my day was. he wasnt asking just to be polite, he cared. and i think all too often, none of us have someone like that in our lives. how many times a day do we hear someone say "hello, how are you". but they dont really care how you are. and they dont want to know. they are just asking because they think it is polite. its not. i think its absolutely RUDE to ask how i am, and then become angry when i dont answer. because i'm not "fine" and i'm not going to lie to make you feel better. see, we have these customers who come in and i say "can i help you" and their response is "how are you". none of your freaking business, thats how i am. "CAN I HELP YOU". i had a man repeat 3 times, how are you, demanding an answer. finally, i said "well, i'm here, now can i help you?" take a HINT!!!!! i dont want to tell you how i am, because i dont want to talk to you. i want to take your money and then i want you to get the hell out of my life!!! why does "how i am" matter to you? it doesnt. so why do you insist on asking? is it solely to piss me off? one day i'm going to tell someone exactly how i am. i bet that person will learn to think twice before asking. why does this bother me so much? why can i not mundanely answer "i'm fine". because i'm not fine. and i dont know when i will ever be "fine" again. so stop asking! ok, enough of that. is this hormones? sheesh!

tuesday. i got a mother's day card from michael in the mail yesterday. he's so cute! it really was postmarked 4 days before the letter was, so i'm not sure what took it so long to get here!!! who knows! his mother said she got hers yesterday also. maybe bc they were larger it took a bit longer?!? i dont know. all i know is i'm sad, and i miss him. i write him everyday, even if i dont have much to say, and then i mail them once a week. email would make life so much easier. why he doesnt have computer access i dont understand. plenty of other folks over there do! it makes no sense to me. but oh well i guess. not much i can do about it. except suffer through a 3 week older letter, once a month or so. its hard when you're used to talking to someone 5 times a day, and seeing them every week, to suddenly be thrust into this role of never seeing, hearing from, or speaking to them. for so long he's been my best friend, my confidante, the person i can complain to about my terrible day, or whatever else i may want to whine about. he's been the one to go out and get me BBQ chicken at 10 in the morning bc i have a weird craving. and now he's just gone. gone, and with no time to really prepare for it. its stifling. why am i not over it by now? tomorrow is 4 weeks. and friday will be a month. in one month, we've had 4 maybe 5 phone conversations. we usually have that many phone conversations in one day. my caller ID maxes out at 99 entries for any one phone number. it took us less than a month to max it out, every time. haha. its almost like reading words from a stranger when he writes. i dont even really recognize his handwriting. i'm going to look for a "future dad" father's day card to send him as soon as they are out. he'll get it late, but i want him to have it. i wonder if he's as sad as i am? he always sounds pretty upbeat when i talk to him. i guess in a way, maybe its easier for him? he's not stuck in the same rut. i mean, i know it has to be SO hard being over there, where he has no family, but all of his friends are there at least. and its almost like he's on this big adventure. he told his mom in the letter to her that he didnt really miss home yet. i told her that he said he did in my letter. she said "yeah, i'm sure he misses YOUR home, he just doesnt miss MY home". that was pretty funny. she doesnt seem to be upset at all.......i guess she probably is, but she sure doesnt sound it. ugh, it feels like there's no one who understands. at least marci is here to talk about the mundane BS with, so that i dont totally die from lack of empathy. lol maybe i should email GWB..."dear mr president, can my boyfriend please come home, or at least have a phone..."

well, its monday morning, day 26. had a tough weekend. michael called friday afternoon, but i missed the call. he did call back (after calling his parents) but by then his phone time was almost up. we talked for a few minutes and then he had to go. basically forever. he just called to "check on me" and to let me know that he was heading out and would have no more phone access. for several months he said. that was hard to swallow. its bad enough when you know its coming, but far worse to hear it. i tried not to cry when i was talking to him, because i know it hurts him, but i couldnt help it. he finally got my package. i had sent him an article on "trust" hoping to help him understand why its hard to trust him. so, when he called, he told me that he read it like 5 times (along with my letter) and how he understood perfectly. *sigh of relief* he doesnt blame me, and he knows why i feel the way i do, he's sorry about the password thing, and he'll try to be more understanding in the future. he said he still hasnt told his parents about the whole wedding idea (he didnt have time before he left, we'd only just decided really, and then he got called away early). i told him that maybe with any luck things would go well, he'd be back before the year was up, and he'd be able to tell them himself, in person. otherwise, he's going to have to mail them a letter, that will take them a month to get, and then i'll have to deal with all the "why didnt you tell us sooner" drama. at first, i really hoped he'd be back in time for the baby, but i'm pretty sure that wont happen. now, i'm just hoping he'll be here in time for her first christmas. still a long shot, i guess. my first letter from him arrived saturday, and was dated 20april. he said on the phone that things had changed since then, so it was really not helpful about his "mission" or how long he'd be gone. he told me that he'd shaved his head, but not to worry, he'd let it grow back before he got home. he said their 1st sgt told them to be careful, they looked like nazi's. i guess its cooler since they have to wear helmets all the time. the letter, as i said, was pretty mundane. 1/2 of it was telling me where he was, and where he would be going, and like i said, all that had changed. the rest was just telling me how he was bored, and they didnt have their equipment yet, and how after 10 days, the only camel he'd seen was a cigarette. hahaha he thinks he's so funny! he said in his letter and on the phone that he was concerned about me finding someone else while he's gone. he asked me why i laughed, i guess he doesnt see just how hilarious that scenario is. i miss him. and its harder knowing that i wont hear from him anymore. i mean, not hearing from him for 8 days was crazy. and it was in teh back of my mind that maybe he wouldnt be able to call anymore. but having it confirmed is so much more gut wrenching. i have a friend who's stationed at the af base that michael flew out of. he said that all of the planes are supposed to be coming back by the end of may, and that anyone who they took over there, would have to come back when they came back. he told me this, bc he called to see if i was excited about michael coming home this month. i told him i had just spoken to michael, and knew nothing of this sort. that michael had said he'd be gone for several more months. i must admit, i was very excited to hear this news at first, but then i realized, it couldnt possible be true. if he really was heading out in a few hours (towards baghdad i guess) then there's no way he'd be back in time to be on a plane by the end of this month. so, now i dont know what to think. now i'm scared he'll be stranded there. especially with all the bases closed. where will the planes land to pick them up?!?! i just want him home. and i'm angry bc i know if we'd do what we SHOULD do, and give the UN a bigger part in the reconstruction and the hunt for WMD, more of our men could come home. and even if it wasnt michael, at least someone's husband, some child's father, could come home. i guess the president has a bigger plan, though sometimes, i have to admit, i wonder how noble it is...