i'm evil, and i'm going to hell, there is no doubt. i dont even want to write about this, because i feel so horrible!!! but, i'm going to anyway, if for no other reason that so wendy can see it and really get my goat about it. ok, this is how it all started. we all know i've been more than a little suspicious of my darling fiance. so, i lied. to a friend. his supervisor's wife. i feel terrible. but, i felt like i really didnt have a choice. why? well, here it is. i knew that her husband and michael were close. and that if michael had done anything (in NC) her husband would know. so, i told her that i knew he'd been seeing someone up there before he left. she wrote back and said that she was so glad i'd mentioned it, because she felt guilty not telling me. my heart hit the floor. i sent him an email. told him i was through. that he was a liar, i knew it for a fact, and i was done with him. in the meantime, i emailed her back for more details. he called me at work, hysterical. crying, begging me not to do this. "i swear i wasnt seeing anyone, i never even wanted to, what are you talking about". i didnt care, i was furious. i told him i wasnt discussing my personal life at work. he said i was scaring him. i still didnt care. he deserved it, i was scared too. my boss was standing there "who is that" he asked. i know he was thinking "she better not be having that hard of a time with a customer". haha anyway, it ended with me telling michael we'd have to talk later, and him saying he'd call at 3am (his time...7pm here). he asked me if i'd talked to T (the super's wife) and i said no, it had nothing to do with her...well, he didnt believe me. he went and yelled at B (the super). of course, its not his super anymore, since Michael has switched units. now, its just his buddy, and they had guard duty together. so, he yelled at him for his wife talking about him and "ruining" his life. how funny....now, if he cheated on me, how is that anyone's fault but his? however, i didnt know all this immediately. when i got off work, i went by mom's for a little while to visit. i left in time to get home for his phone call. T was online so after checking my email (where'd she'd written about her conversation with her husband, where he'd call to tell her that michael said she'd ruined his life) i pm'd her. thank God she wasnt mad at me, and believed me when i said i didnt tell him that the info came from her. which is true, i denied it, even though i felt guilty. i did tell him though, that i'd promised the person i wouldnt tell him where i got my info, and that i was not going to break that promise. so, it wasnt exactly like i lied to him. i had promised that. anyway...she and i talked for about 2 hrs off and on, before he called. she told me lots of things that were very upsetting. things i didnt know. like all the weekends michael couldnt come down to visit me before he left...all those weekends he was on recall and couldnt leave the base, not true according to T. at least, not that she knew of. her husband had never been on recall, and seeing as he was michael's direct supervisor, its hard to believe michael would have been if B was not. but, oh well...thats neither here nor there. 9:30pm, the phone rings. its michael. i asked him about the recall thing first. he said we were wrong. he and B had been on two different detail teams (confirmed by T) and therefore weren't always on call at the same times FOR THE DETAIL. also confirmed by T. so, maybe he was telling the truth there. she'd told me about his working as a bouncer at a bar called "flamingo's" on some of these weekends that he supposedly couldnt come see me. he says it was only one weekend, (actually just one night) and he didnt tell me bc he didnt want me upset. now, he told me at 6pm that friday the he'd just found out he couldnt come see me. so, he walks into a bar, and gets a job THAT SAME NIGHT? how does that work? thats right folks, it doesnt. it probably wasnt the whole truth. but, i'm so tired of fighting. he denies the cheating thing, and in her 2nd email, T had told me that she had no proof, only suspicions. so, i have no choice but to believe him, i cant prove otherwise. T told me things that bothered me, things that hurt. like, whenever they were out at pool league (2 nights a week) michael would flirt with girls, act single, etc etc. some girls even came up to T asking about him. T always told them he was engaged and expecting a baby, and they were always shocked because of the way he'd come on to them. ouch. but again, not proof that he slept with or even dated any of them. all in all, it was a hurtful night. but, i do feel better knowing. and at least he admitted most of the things she accused him of. the only thing he denied was the cheating. and he said he'd never lied to me about having to stay on base, but she said if it was due to the detail, she wouldnt have known. another thing T told me. she said michael's phone used to ring when they were at pool league, and she'd always tease him that she was going to answer it and talk to me. he'd always snatch the phone away so they couldnt. why is this a big deal? because it wasnt me. see, michael told me he didnt get a signal in the bar where they shot pool, so he left his phone in the car. apparently not the truth. again. anyway, because i thought this, i never called. well, not exactly. i dialed his number (when i knew it was close to time for him to be leaving pool) to check the voicemails he'd gotten while his phone was "in the car". there were always msgs. from jessica, tasha, shelly etc. sometimes his parents, sometimes a guy, but most times some girl or the other. i always erased them, and thought that was the end of it. anyway, after hearing all these hurtful things, and finding out about all these lies, i realized that as upset as i was, i didnt want to leave him. not because i'm weak or insecure, but because i believe him when he says he's changed. that i'm too important to lose, that he loves me and misses me, and he's truly sorry for what he did, and for the pain that he caused me, directly or indirectly. he said his life was over if i left him. i wanted him to hurt as much as i did, more even. but was that fair? is it MY job to punish him for his mistakes? isnt there a higher power out there for that? didnt God say it is just my job to forgive "as i have forgiven you". when does turning the other cheek make you a fool? Jesus said 70 times 7. even if we take that literally, i dont think michael has quite told me 490 lies yet, anyway! haha (i'm sure its close, but not quite there yet). anyway, i must have asked advice from 5 people (ok 4) before i talked to michael last night...(well 5 if we count T). everyone had slightly different opinions on how to handle the situation. but the one opinion that stayed the same with everyone was dont give up on michael. he's a good guy, he loves you, he wants to make it work, he's sorry and he's being sincere. no one said he's a liar, get rid of him. and even if they did, i wouldnt, i dont want to. he said he's been going to church. maybe it will do him some good. i pray every night for michael's safety, and also for God to direct his path. maybe his going to church is an answer to prayer. its too soon to tell. keep your fingers crossed!!!!!

wow, what a strange weekend. i was flipping channels on the TV saturday and i saw the fox news ticker running along the bottom of the screen. i stopped to read what was running across. "3rd soldier dies from accident 6 others wounded;they were in a unit attached to tne 101st". immediate panic on my part. log in to centcom. whats going on? the accident was in mosul. thats where michael is. and his unit is attached to the 101st. and i havent heard from him in 3 days at that point. PANIC. serious freaking out. the accident happened friday. surely, if he were hurt or god forbid dead, they'd have notified his family by now. and his mom would certainly have let me know. but i cant stop the panic. so i email his mom. i send her the centcom link and ask if she's heard anything from michael. no she hasnt. more panic. i write again asking her if its been sufficient time for her to have heard IF something was wrong? no news is good news right? she says yes, but i'm still nearly hysterical. i have a birthday party to go to that night, but i dont dare. what if he tries to call?!?! i check my email several times an hour hoping to hear from him. finally i calm down and put a movie in. maybe that will take my mind off of it. i watch the first hour or so, before running back to check me email. he wrote me. he's ok. he's sorry he doesnt write more often, he's just too busy. it was 3am and he'd just gotten off work. poor thing. he wants me to pick a ring out and email it to him...could that be marci's influence? haha he also said he'd heard "from a reliable source" that they'd be home in september. but, he warned me not to get my hopes up... YEAH RIGHT!! he has MET me right? lol i'll TRY not to get overly excited...but i'm keeping my fingers crossed. maybe it will be early september and he'll only miss the first few weeks of his daughter's life. that would be nice. we decided on a first name. Anna-Kate. now its back to finding a middle name. oh joy. anyway, he still thinks he may be able to make it home for the birth, but i have my doubts. besides, its an expensive plane ticket. and i know PLENTY i'd rather him spend $3000 on! hmm, let me make a list. haha seriously, i'd love for him to be there, but i'd completely understand if he couldnt, and i really dont think its going to work out. i guess right now we're just living on a wing and a prayer. i havent heard from him again, since saturday evening, but he promised to write every 2 days, so maybe i'll hear from him tonite. keep your fingers crossed (if you have any left). anyway, i'm off to find an email server i can access from work! haha