got flowers at work today from M. it was very sweet, made me happy. he sent me an email too. and i'm so mad, bc it was at 7:15 and i had just checked my email at like 5 after 7 and then left to go eat. and i think he tried to call about 7:45. its very frustrating... its too depressing to sit at home and wait on him, but it seems like whenever i dont, he calls. i hate it. he didnt leave a msg, but i think it was him bc his mom said he'd called her a little after 7. she wasnt sure the exact time. so, it was probably after the email. thats usually when he calls...after he checks the computer. anyway. he picked a name. finally. i'm glad i didnt have to do it. haha he's still working on trying to come back early, but i dont know how likely that is. keep praying i guess. thats all i can do. its certainly not in my hands is it? he told me to try to send longer emails, said he looks forward to those. i've been trying NOT to, because i didnt think he read them (see 6/12 entry). i guess he does...probably just doesnt have time to type long ones back. understandable i guess. i just miss him, and i want him home! i'm sad and i hate feeling like this. so, all readers, pray, keep your fingers and toes crossed, light a candle, whatever works. and i'll hope against hope that he makes it home soon.

does this grumpiness never end? i'm so frustrated by michael's apparent inability to comprehend the things that are important in life. whenever i had something to tell him, i just picked up the phone and did it. whether he answered, or whether i had to leave a message, if i needed to tell him something, i dialed the number. i cant do that now. all i have now is emails. so, yes, i may write 2 or 3 a day. but, if i dont, i'll never remember to tell him things. then i'll think i told him, and he'll never know. and, ok, so some things are not THAT big of a deal, but some things are...to me anyway. so, why am i grumpy? because, he doesnt read my emails. i really, really appreciate him writing me, i do! but, he always tells me how he's doing, that he misses me and loves me, and to give connor a hug, and thats it. he NEVER answers my questions. he even told me to pick out the wedding rings and send him links so he could see what they looked like. which, of course, i did. did he even look at them, NO!!!! he wrote back and told me that he was sure he'd love whatever i picked out. well, thats a lovely gesture, but lets tell the truth here buddy, you just didnt feel like looking at em. so then why the hell did he ask? frustrating. as if I dont have enough to do ALL BY MYSELF. and i feel guilty for being angry. sometimes i feel like i SHOULD do everything all by myself, and be happy to be able to do it. why is that? why should i? yeah, he's overseas, yeah it sucks to be him right now. but you know what, its no walk in the park to be me either. i wear this stupid yellow ribbon, and think of him at least 100 times a day. but does he care? does he even READ the emails i send him? nope. he doesnt. oh! i forgot about this one. i sent him ecards a couple times. through an ecard service that sends a confirmation whenever its viewed. have i gotten confirmation that he's viewed any of the 3 of them? nope. he hasnt. jerk. i know i shouldnt be mad. should i? i mean, he should look at the things i send him. but, he does have limited time on the computer. but still... the only way to get him to actually read (or at least respond to) an email is to either put 911 in the subject, or put something mean like "we're through" or "i hate you" or "you're a bad hermie" (weird nickname, long story). then he feels bad enough to read it. haha and, he answers it. which is a damn miracle, i think. anyway, trudie just signed in to msn messenger. she had an FRG meeting tonight, maybe she found out something about the guys...more later!

and more drama today. first of all, i've been a little offended the last 2 days bc michael's mom hasnt written me. today she writes and tells me that her computer crashed. great, now i feel guilty for being mad. but, that wasnt a very BIG deal. here's the big deal. i was talking to T last night (michaels supervisor's wife). she told me that her husband was the one who actually made the decision to have michael transferred to the new unit. (can you hear my blood boil?) anyway, he called it "tough love" saying that it was for michael's own good, to help him make rank faster. even though he's now in a more dangerous position in iraq. i'm a little upset about this. then T starts telling me about this time that her husband made michael do push-ups until he was "basically just laying there" in the pouring rain. as if the story were funny. am i laughing? NO. now, i understand that B was his supervisor, but he was also his "friend". and as an NCO if you cant handle being "friends" with your soldiers, DONT. but, dont punish them when they treat you like the friend that they think you are. of course, he blames michael saying that michael should be able to differentiate between work and home. and michael should know how to act at work, and treat him like a supervisor, not like a friend. FINE, then he should do the same. why i'm so offended by this, i dont know. i feel like if you are in a position of authority, and you step down from that and befriend a "subordinate" then YOU have to deal with the consequences that come from that friendship. and that may mean your "Friend" treating you like a friend in front of the other NCO's and embarassing you. does that give you the right to take your embarassment out on your friend by treating him like he's inferior? i mean, come on, folks, thats a bit ridiculous. i know michael can be a bit obnoxious, and i know sometimes he doesnt seperate work from home the way he should. but, obviously neither did B. anyway, i'm a little mad about the whole thing. its almost as if T was bragging to me about it. and that REALLY bugged me!
then, i went to the dr today. my blood sugar was elevated when i had my test a few weeks ago, so now i have to go back for the 3 hour test, and possibly go on insulin for the rest of the pregnancy. UGH. that test is dreadful, the drink is nasty, and i dont WANT to take insulin. sheesh.
i may have found a place to move...not exactly what i want, but, i'm not going to be here forever am i? so it should be ok. anyway, on to michael...haha. he did send another email yesterday afternoon. he said he was trying to get on a "pre-team" to come home early. said he has to make "contacts" and be approved. its a shot in the dark, but would be an answer to prayer. maybe it will come through. of course, T likes to rain on my parade and tell me it will never happen. bleh, why me? he hasnt called me in like 9 days. i know i shouldnt be mad but i am. he even emailed yesterday and said he was going to call, but never did. he did email again, but still, i'd like for him to call. i enjoy hearing from him. i had a weird dream about him last night. i dont remember much. i remember he was home (of course) and i was mad at him about something. i wish i could remember it now. it kept me awake for over 2 hours afterwards. anyway, when i finally fell asleep, i had another dream about michael after that though. i just remember that it must have been as soon as he got home, because i remember running up to him, and giving him the biggest hug and kiss. it was great. makes me miss him a little less when i dream about him. of course, then i wake up with the reality that he's not here. and it could be another 4 months before he is, if things dont work out. if anyone out there has a direct link to the man upstairs, put in a special request for us! :) i feel a little bad for fussing about T in here. i think she means well, but i'm easily offended at times. why is it that WE can talk about our loved ones, but no one else can? haha. anyway, T and I have never actually met. just through email and stuff since the guys have been gone. she said last night that M had shown her a picture of connor, but she'd never seen one of me (odd). anyway, i sent her a pic of me and michael through messenger. she writes back and says, "you are so pretty". of course my reply was "no i'm not". she writes back "yes you are! not what i expected...not that i thought you would be ugly, but not that pretty". hahaha i'm not sure what that meant, but i guess it was a compliment. haha. i'm going to try to figure out how to link to some pictures here. one of M and one of my angel ;). we'll see if we can get marci to handle that. hehe

ok, its officially been 9 weeks today. ugh, i hate this. i havent heard from Michael in 3 days. i know this is supposed to be all about him, but i think you need to understand that all the other drama in my life contributes to my "michael" drama. maybe, if the rest of my life was perfect, the complications with michael wouldnt seem so dramatic. but, there's the problems with the landlord, the problems with my sons attitude, his dad being a nut job these days, hiring someone new at work, the list goes on. my landlord sold my house 5 mos ago. i met the "new" landlord in february. she assured me there would be NO changes in the agreement i had with the previous landlord (who coincidentally was her mother). i could continue paying the mother (who lives next door) no changes in rent etc. they were also going to have several things in the house repaired that i've been having trouble with for quite some time. (things that were supposed to be fixed before i ever moved in over a year ago). anyway, needless to say, i got a letter this week informing me of several (unsatisfactory) changes in my rental agreement, along with a huge rent payment increase. clearly more than the house is worth! but, do i really want to hassle with moving? you're darn right. well, these changes are effective july 1st, and the rental agreement that they want me to sign states that i'll give 30 days notice before leaving. well, if i dont have 30 days to respond, how can i give 30 days notice? exactly, i cant. so, my lawyer says i dont have to give 30 days, since i didnt even have 30 days. besides, i havent signed the new agreement that says i'll give them notice anyway. anyway, thats just one example of the drama in my life right now. and normally, i'd ask michael's advice, but he's not here, and i cant even get a damn email from him. ugh! its so frustrating. see, i wouldnt be nearly as mad with him about not writing, if i didnt need his input on stuff. so, i'm handling it on my own, and hating myself for resenting him in the progress. and as i'm cursing him, he sends me an email. i swear, that boy knows when i'm talking smack about him. he sent me an email to let me know that he loves me and misses me, and he will write more tonight when he has more time. of course, he didnt answer me about moving, but he will later. he only had 10 mins. so i love him again. haha. as if i could stop.

2 months today. not even halfway there. i got good news the other day. apparently the original orders were for a year, because it was considered "war time" duty. now that there is no more "action" (although the president has not declared an END to the war) they are back on regular TDY rotations which means he should only have to stay 6 months. hopefully thats 6 mos from when he left, and not 6 mos from when they made the change. the FRG (i think that means family readiness group) said that as soon as their mission was completed they would be back. but, still within the 6 mos. they said not july, probably not august, but maybe sept. i'm keeping my fingers crossed. he still thinks he may be able to be home for 2 weeks when the baby comes, but i still think that is impossible. i mean, we can hope and pray, but it probably wont happen. i still miss him everyday. he really doesnt keep in touch like he should, i know that perhaps he cant help it, but i feel like he can. everyone else writes home more than he does. B writes his wife more (like daily) and calls a few times a week, and then sgt L writes his fiance 2-3 times a DAY and calls once a week i think. michael says they dont have as much work to do as him, but it still hurts that my heart feels like he just doesnt really try. i hate not believing him, i know it hurts him, but its so hard to trust him when he's lied to me so much in the past. did i mention that he admitted sleeping with someone after we'd started seeing each other? ok. so, he says that I acted uninterested, so he thought we were going nowhere, and that it was in the first week after we met. (so now its become MY fault that he did this?) anyway, thats neither here nor there. i had a talk with daniel (he's been a blessing from God) and he made me see that it doesnt make me stupid or foolish to forgive. the bible says to forgive as you have been forgiven. so, it doesnt mean that i'm an idiot, or blind, or playing the fool. it means that i can acknowledge his faults, acknowledge that he did wrong, and forgive him for that and move on. forgiveness means stop bringing it up though. and i havent figured out how to do that. because i still wonder about the parts that i dont know about. the parts that he didnt tell me. and i shouldnt. if i've forgiven the actions, why can i not forget them? maybe because i dont know what i'm forgetting? anyway, i digress. this is not supposed to be about that. its about the email sunday. i hadnt heard from michael all weekend, and i was a little sad. he'd called friday (i think) while i was at work, and we'd talked a few minutes, but not for long, since i WAS at work. things were a little tense, as he kept pushing the marriage issue, and i feel like its something i'm no longer ready for. its not that i havent forgiven him, but i do think maybe we need to take a step back and re-analyze things before we jump into a marriage. now, yes, jump is a dumb word for a pregnant person to use when referring to marriage, i know. and i'm definately not saying that we wont do it, i'm just saying we both need some time (back together) to work on the relationship before we add the "strain" of living together, sharing bills, etc. it doesnt sound like it will be any more difficult, but it is. but it hurts him for me to say that. i mean, really hurts him. he panics. and then i feel horrible. like the evil girlfriend from hell. he already refers to me as his "wife". haha and i cant stay mad at him...which is completely frustrating in itself. anyway, about the email from sunday. he sent me a short email, and i snipped back at him. he wrote later and apologized saying he'd just wanted to check in, but didnt have time to be on the computer right then. so it was ok, he did email again a few hours later. and it was a sweet email. telling me that he needed me to "just trust" him, and that he knows this is what he wants. he also said something about maturing, and that his "friends" were 4th on his list. that me, the kids, and his parents rank 1,2,3 on his list. which makes me feel better. but, its easy to want what you dont have when you think you may never have it. what i am saying is that may entirely mean that he wants this commitment "NOW". but when he gets back here, gets back to post, back in the swing of things there, and back with all of his friends, maybe he won't want to be tied down anymore. maybe he'll like his single carefree life again. maybe the fear of being shot, or dying made him "want" someone back home. maybe he wants someone to miss him, and love him, and write him. and maybe when he gets back, all that won't seem so important. or maybe thats just me not trusting him again. but is that wrong? doesnt trust have to be earned? i mean yes, we do live in the land of "innocent until proven guilty" but we dont trust strangers to keep our children do we? dont people have to prove that they are trustworthy? and once you've violated that, shouldnt you have to earn it again? who knows, not me! life only gets more confusing as we get older...oh to be 6 again! well, more later, time to go home.