oh i feel awful. why is it that everytime i send him a mean email, even without him checking it, he somehow senses that i'm mad at him, and he calls me and acts like the sweetest man on the entire earth? then i feel bad for being mean. and i really wasnt all that mean. he called last night wanting to know if i need money for my deposits. i told him no. he said he was sending some anyway. i said no again. he said he didnt care what i said, he was sending it. i said "whatever michael". he probably wont though. ok, so why did i say no you ask? "MS INDEPENDENCE". i dont mind him doing for the baby, but i dont want him to do a dang-on thing for me. ridiculous? probably. i dont care. pppppllllllttttttt. (that was for marci) anyway, then he asked when we were getting married. which is how i KNOW he hadnt read the emails. he told me (again) that he'd gotten the easter pictures i mailed him (finally) and he'd taped them to the wall by his "bunk". how sweet is that? it just so happened that connor had just woken up and gone to the bathroom, so he asks who's on the phone and gets to talk to michael. thats only the second time since michael's been gone that connor has been able to talk to him, so i was glad for that. he was tired of course, so he just told him he was being good, and he loved him and gave me the phone back. very sweet. then m starts talking about how he's ready to come home, and ready to get married, and he wants a dog. (oh brother).
i told him his cat was as good as dead. he told me to leave his cat alone. haha ok-its "my" cat. i got it as a kitten...not that i wanted it. well, that was round about the time m and i started dating. the cat fell in love with m immediately. so, the cat slept with him, he fed the cat etc etc etc. now that he's gone, the cat is IN MY FACE 24/7. i cant take a shower, i cant go to the bathroom, i cant even walk down the hall without tripping over that darn cat. his name is sebastian, and he gets on my nerves so bad that i call him "se-bastard". he's always attacked connor and been a pain in the butt, so connor calls him "se-BEAST ian". haha we really dont like that darn cat. michael used to spank the kitty for attacking the baby, but he was always the only one who could catch him (the cat strikes and runs). anyway, when i move, the cat is NOT going with me. sorry michael! lol
i talked to T last night, and she was telling me how B was saying all the army girls were acting really wild over there. said they were hooking up left and right and making him sick. haha he told her that michael was having nothing to do with any of that, and that he was hanging out with the married guys and behaving. said coming home to me was all he ever talks about. boy, now i feel guilty! i cant even be mean and feel justified about it. heck, i wasnt mean! haha i really wasnt though. they were things that needed to be said. anyway, we talked for about 15 mins, and i told michael to stay away from those nasty girls. he started laughing and said thats over at hhd, not where i am. fibber. it may be the hhd girls, but they are all right there together. i dont care though. he just told me that to make me feel better, and at least i know from billy that he's behaving! even if he is a little brat boy. he said he'd try to email in the next couple days, so i'll wait on that. oh i dont know what to doooooooooooooo. why do i have to be so mean? hahaha (if i get any comments on that line, you will die). :) ok, thats enough for now. more later.

well, yesterday i decided to spend my last 30 minutes of work posting. i got a customer, so i clicked "post and publish" and turned to help the lady who'd come in. i get an error, and guess what, my post is gone. and now, i dont remember what i'd typed. i know i was complaining about michael. why you ask? because, the main reason i never wanted this pregnancy was that i didnt want to do everything alone...and we KNEW he was going to war. we didnt know when, or for how long, but we knew he'd have to go eventually. and i didnt want to do it by myself. he kept promising i wouldnt have to. even if he wasnt here for awhile, i'd never be "doing it alone". well, guess what, i am! i'm 7 mos pregnant, and first of all, he's not sent one penny to buy anything for his daugher. not a crib, dresser, diaper, bottle, nothing. maybe he's not thinking about it. but, i know i've said stuff to him. like at least 5 times. and it frustrates me. well, the other day i was in a bad mood, and complaining about the deposits i'm having to pay with the new light and phone companies. obviously, i complained to him in an email. so, he sends me an email asking if i need money last night. for some reason, that pissed me off. because then he says "and dont tell me its not my problem, because you are my future wife, and if you need money i will send it to you". why was i mad? because, i dont need money. i have the money to do what i need to do. but i shouldnt HAVE to do it all by myself. so, i wrote him back and said "no i dont need anything, your daughter on the other hand needs the following." then i sent him a list of every conceivable baby product ever. another reason i was mad was that i'd checked his bank account, and he has a VERY large sum of $$ in there. its bc he doesnt have any bills while he's over there (no phone, cell phone, lights, water, cable etc etc etc) his car is paid for, so he only has credit card payments, and car insurance. thats not much... so, anyway, since his pay basically DOUBLED due to hazardous duty, he has a good bit of money in there. which makes it all the more annoying that he hasnt even offered to do anything for the baby. and i'm confused as to why... anyway, i know my email back to him was mean, and i feel bad about that, but i was very frustrated, and i have so much going on, and the way he worded it (probably unintentional) was like a slap in the face! i just blew up at him. then i told him i had to go before i said something i'd regret. told him i loved him, sent the email, and got AWAY from the computer! haha. today, i'm tired, grouchy, and generally hating life. with that in mind, i'm going to run far away from the computer, before my fingers do any more damage.

I'm an irredeemably eejitous, liberal, not-too-generous, not-too-selfish, relatively well adjusted human being!
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some scary facts: 1) i've forgotten what michael looks like. ok, not really. i mean, i can picture him in certain situations, like i can remember the time i walked in and he was laying on the couch with his head tipped back and his mouth wide open, knocked out. and i can remember what he looked like christmas day driving down the road talking. and i see his face the night that i told him i wanted him to leave and never come back (of course he didnt). but for the most part, just to recall his face, i cant anymore. and even in the situations where i can remember what he looks like, its a little fuzzy. i remember his bright blue eyes, and how i could always tell when he was lying just by looking into them, but i cant really see them anymore. except in my dreams. when i first wake up from a dream, i can see him so vividly. but as the day goes on, the image fades. and, he leaves me, all over again. anyway, fact 2) i have 10 weeks left of this pregnancy. why is that scary? well for lots of reasons. first of all, i think its important to go ahead and admit that i didnt want this pregnancy. michael did. and the only reason i kept the baby (at first) was because i knew how much it would hurt him if i didnt. he told me he wouldnt leave me, but that he'd never be able to look at me "the same". i know how he feels. still loving someone, but not sure you can live with what they've done. and i adjusted, and i am looking forward to it now. sometimes. well, even most of the time. but not always. there are these few fleeting occasional moments (god forgive me) where i think how much easier my life would be, since michael is gone, if i were single. if i could go out with my friends, partying, drinking, clubbing...forgetting. and then i say, good grief, you are 25, get a grip! i'm not sure i can do this. i mean, kids i can handle. but i HATE pregnancy. i hate every second of it. the baby kicking makes me nauseous. i feel like a blimp. i look like i swallowed a basketball! i still have a waist line on my sides and in the back, and then i turn to the front, and its like, oh man! its funny. how can i feel settled, and be excited about this "family" when i am basically a single parent of 2? i dont feel like i'm in a relationship. i feel alone. and thats not a good feeling. so, scary fact 3) i don't know if i want to get married. or maybe thats not exactly it. maybe i'm scared of screwing up this one like i did the first one. i mean, that wasnt even my fault, and i still feel guilty for it. i've always been sortof reserved, aloof with men. maybe even cold. i dont know. i liked being that way. i didnt want to need anyone. so i never did. i learned to take care of myself, and i probably hurt a LOT of people in the process. from the moment we met, i told people that michael was my "harvest". what did that mean? that i knew i was finally going to reap what i'd sewn. all those deceitful, cold-hearted, malicious seeds that i'd planted...michael was the crop. i knew that my heart was gone. and that if anyone was ever going to break it, it would be him. and he has, a million times, and he never meant to. i dont know if i want to spend my life with someone who has that kind of power over me. part of me wants to run, screaming in the other direction. get as far away from him as i can, build that wall right back up, hurt him before he can hurt me. and then i hear his voice. or i see his name in my "From" box of my email...and i get butterflies in my stomach. my heart skips a beat. and all i want to do is hold him and never let go. but if i do, he can hurt me. he can. it would be so easy for him to tear my heart out if he chose. and there'd be nothing i could do about it. i went to a birthday party saturday night, and saw some old friends i havent seen in a while. one of them said to me "miss independent, i-dont-need-a-man went and got pregnant" it was funny at first. then i realized, he was right. i used to sit around with "the guys" (most of my friends are male) and make fun of men in a bar who would hit on me...stuff like "oh yeah, cuz YOU have a chance in hell buddy". i realized, i acted like a guy. i played people's emotions like a violin. and now, what if i'm being played? ok, not likely, but entirely possible. which leads us to scary fact 4) i'm going to have to move. maybe not anytime soon, but eventually. i've worked long and hard to get myself where i am at my job. i make a good living, especially for a 25 year old female, and i'm quite capable of taking care of my kids on my own. i drive a 2002 car, pay all my own bills, and still manage to squander a good bit of dough on spoiling my son! leaving here, means giving all of that up. its not a company that i can transfer within. and its the kind of job where i'm extremely valuable where i am, because i am the only one who can do the things that i do there. elsewhere, i may not be so valuable. i may not be so needed. i may not find this opportunity again. and marrying michael means moving. and giving that up. and yet, i know that i will do it. because i love him. and if it makes him happy, then i'm happy. even though, i'll be giving up ALL of my security that i've worked along time to build. so my life is pretty scary right now. because, (back to fact 3) i'm not sure that i want to give up my independence. and thats what i'll be doing. and i guess we all "need" someone. but until now, i never really have. and i dont think i like it one bit................

long weekend. michael called friday night. well, actually about 1am saturday morning. i'd emailed him fri evening, and asked him to call. well, about an hour after i sent the email, he tried to call me at work. crazy nut, it was 7pm, he should have known i wasnt at work! haha anyway, then he called his mom, she wasnt home either, so he left a msg. well, later, he called me again, and thats when he got me. he asked if he woke me up, and then said "i can let you go". hahaha. um, NO. he's such a little brat. like i'm really going to get off the phone just because he woke me up. i got so mad at myself, because he talked for about 20 mins, and i cant really remember anything he said! UGH!!! then i cried when he said he had to go. i could have slapped myself, i really could. how annoying. anyway, he sent me a 2 line email yesterday, just saying that he missed me and loved me, and he'd try to write later. of course he hasnt yet. but, whatever right? anyway, i had a very weird dream about michael last night. first of all, i had a dream that me and a girlfriend were...somewhere. anyway, she had to go to jail. (?) but she had to be sent to costa rica to serve her time. so, she and i walk through these huge double doors, and we are in costa rica's jail. somehow, it turns into this "resort" and she's telling me this is where she spent her honeymoon. so we're walking around looking out of windows at these beautiful waves and stuff. there were just these HUGE waves crashing everywhere. anyway, i said something to her about maybe michael and i should come here for our honeymoon. then, like a flash everything changes, and michael and i are in a room at this resort. we are both sleeping. anyway, i wake up, and we are having sex?!?! sortof. anyway, i half-jokingly say to M, i guess you were having the same dream i was, and he kinda laughed and said yes. ok, so then we really do start having sex. (i know this is gross, it weirded me out once i woke up). anyway, i remember in the middle of this kinda stopping, and putting my hands on each side of his face, like i was making sure it wasnt still the dream (yes in a dream). and he said "i'm really here, honey, and i'm not leaving you anymore" and i looked in his eyes, and he really was there, and i was so happy. and then i woke up. and he wasnt here. and it hurt. and then i woke up this morning with this horrible sense of loss, like if i'd just stayed asleep he'd still be here. almost like i felt guilty for waking up. anyway, now i'm pretty sad. more about the weekend later, i'm not really in the mood...