what i've learned

ok, so now its been a LONG while! the baby was born august 2nd, and i've been very busy since then. writing doesnt seem to be therapeutic for me anymore. i've learned to live with the sickening heartache that i feel on a daily basis. i've learned to deal with the constant nagging fear that he's not OK. i've learned to accept that he can NOT call every single day. he's been gone for 6months, 6 days now. he gets to come home on a midtour. for 15 days. then it will be 6 months before we see him again. she wont remember him. she'll probably be afraid. because she'll be 8 months old. but, she'll get over it. michael's done some wonderful things recently. he retook his asvab and got the score he was shooting for. this means he can now choose his post. or, he can choose to change career fields. he'd love to do both. but-he cant. i've also learned to accept that we may not get to live here forever. this is very much my comfort zone. i have a terrific job, i know this entire town, and half the people in it. my friends, my family, my whole life has been here. but, it may not be anymore. loving michael means loving all of him. especially the soldier. the person who joined the military is the person i fell in love with. and that person will have to travel. and if i want to be with him, i will have to travel as well. we'll adapt. and we'll be ok. i have faith in that now. i'm excited to see him, but a bit nervous. what if he doesnt love me anymore? what if he looks at me and says "my god what happened to her". i mean, i guess i dont look THAT different. but, there have been some changes. i'm scared. its almost like he's 2 different people. there's the michael that was here before, and the michael that i've only known through letters and phone calls for the last six months. and, i like the new michael a lot better. what if he gets back, and he is that same old person again? he promises it wont be that way, but how can i know? i've learned that i cant know. i can only trust him, and believe him. and i may end up looking like a fool in the end. but, isnt it better to be burned by the fire, than afraid of the flames? the fact is, he's my best friend. i love him, i adore him. he makes me laugh, he makes me cry, but most importantly, he makes me whole. i never feel as complete as i do when i am talking to him, or writing him, or reading one of his letters. sickening isnt it? haha so, most importantly, what i've learned is that nothing in life comes without cost. you have to take the good with the bad, toss em together, and see what ya get in the end. and, if you're lucky, the good makes all the bad disappear. all that we can really hope for in life is happiness. and, even with all of his flaws, michael makes me happy. so, i cant dwell on the mistrust, or the apprehension. i need only to dwell on the joys in our lives. and pray that they last a lifetime.