last night, while most of us slept, helicopters were being shot down, convoys attacked, and military barracks being shot at. its very frightening to feel that the person you love more than anything could be hurt, or dead, and you dont even know it. that was what i woke up to this morning. i logged on to yahoo to check the weather, and saw the news story "helicopter shot down, 6 dead". as i read on, i found out about the attacks on the convoy and on barracks. i try very hard not to panic, i dont want my child to worry, but its hard. its hard not to tear up when i look at my sleeping little girl and hear the nagging thought in the back of my head that says her daddy could be lying somewhere hurt or even dead, and i dont know. when he looked at her monday with tears streaming down his face, as we drove away, it could be the last time that he ever looked at her. the last time she ever smiled up at him. God, it makes me sick to even think about it. his mother hasnt heard anything from/about him, and i feel quite sure if he were hurt, she'd have been notified by now, its been 12 hours since the attacks. for anyone who reads this,and believes in it, please keep michael, and all the other soldiers in your prayers.

i just realized this...the day michael came home (18 oct) was the 192nd day that he was gone. and today is the 211th. only 154 days to go...

ok, after this, no more writing today. i just heard from michael. he made it back safely, but boy is he MAD!! apparently when he was told he could choose any base he wanted...that was a lie. when he was told he could change his career field...another lie. there are only 2 bases open for us, and both are in texas. could this be devine intervention marci? LOL

its going to be one of those days...i feel it already. everyone is driving me nuts. i try not to write about it, bc this is supposed to be about michael, but my whole life is about michael, so i'm sure he wont mind. he doesnt even know this blog exists. lucky for me. because if he read about all my sneakiness in my archives, he'd probably choke slam me. ok, he wouldnt choke me, but he'd at least put me in a headlock. anyway!! the people in my life are truly nuts. as i've said PLENTY of times before, my mom doesnt like michael. she reallyyyyyyyyyyy doesnt like him! not that i care. she has no reason. she's just like that. i'm not even sure she likes herself sometimes, and she certainly doesnt like me. she needs to refill her prozac i think. but, i'm getting off track. the point of that was to tell you what she said about my ring. i showed it to her, even though i knew she'd be negative, because she always is...and her comment..."whats this, a friendship ring?". yeah mom, its a 1 carat solitiare, with sidestones set in platinum FRIENDSHIP RING. moron. she just said it to be nasty. then, when she told my sister about the ring, she didnt even know what it looked like, told my sister that the center stone was emerald cut! HELLO, its round. there's a big difference in a rectangle and a circle. but, she's a very negative person, so its expected. she's one of these holier-than-thou christians who thinks its ok to put down the rest of the world because she's the only one going to heaven anyway. its really quite sad. she only got like this when she got off her medication. haha thats not true, she's always been holier-than-thou. always the martyr, and much to wrapped up in her own life to be concerned with that of her children. but, thats a whole nother issue that i do NOT wish to address. you know how the TV moms act when they find out their daughter is getting married? or having a baby? just once i wish my mom would have one of those reactions. but, she's inherrently negative, she cant help herself. i've learned to live with it in my 25 years. so, back to the ring. bet you're wondering why i just got it huh? well, i cant really answer that. but, probably because anytime M brought up the subject of marriage (before he left) i always told him HE wasnt ready...which was code for I wasnt ready to go through that again. again...yes, marriage number two. i'm nuts, i know. but the first one only lasted 3 weeks...technically. its all in the archives, i dont feel like writing about it again. hakuna matata.

speaking of hakuna matata, we bought the new lion king on DVD. now, its been a while...but i didnt see anything new in there?!?! and i was cooking dinner at the time, so i wasnt paying absolute attention. maybe i should rewatch it. i feel tortured just thinking about it. of course, its not as bad as having to sit through the HULK again. ick!!! it was way too long, and way to fake to get a thumbs up over here. but, the kid likes it. go figure.

i'm hungry. guess my mocha cafe latte and 3 fig newtons breakfast has long since been digested. i miss michael. i KNOW, i'm not talking about it, but i do miss him. and i'm worried about him flying over fallujah. well, i think i've done enough complaining for one day...maybe i'll go to theknot.com and make some wedding plans...

i've tried to think of things to keep my mind off of not hearing from michael. its hard! ok, so i'll talk about how dense i am these days... this may gross some of you out slightly, so be warned. anywho! when i can not express enough milk to send to ema's daycare, i make her a bottle of formula to take, while i am at work. (normally she nurses). well, i ran out of formula. i was too tired last night to drag the kids into walmart for more, so i decided that after i dropped my son off at school this morning, i'd run to the grocery store next door to the baby's daycare and pick up a can. so, i boiled her some water, and poured it into the bottles, so that the formula could just be added and the bottles would be ready. i went into this grocery store, and guess what?!?! no formula. i walked up and down the baby aisle. they had baby juice, baby food, baby cereal, baby bottles, spoons, bibs, pacifiers, wipes, diapers, and anything else imaginable. but NO formula mix. with 20 minutes left until i was late for work, i didnt have time to go anywhere else. thats when i say gerber cereal with formula mix. well, ema eats cereal, so that should be fine, right? so, i bought a couple jars of baby food, some baby banana juice and a spoon and zipped to the daycare. i take in the 2 bottles of sterile water, and my purchases. i still feel like a heel that i waited until the last minute. and what the hell kind of grocery store doesnt carry baby formula?!?! UGH! anyway, i explain what happened to the daycare worker, as i'm spooning this disgusting cereal/formula mix into a bottle of the water. no way do i think my child is going to drink this, and now i feel worse. the lady starts laughing and tells me that she always shops at that store, and they DO carry formula, but its in a different part of the store. what kind of stupid ass grocery store keeps the baby formula on a totally different aisle from all the other baby products? well, by this time i only have 10 minutes left to get to work. so i give them the cereal bottle, the bottle of water, the jug of juice, the 2 jars of baby food and the spoon, and tell them to wing it! she's only there 4 hours, so its not that bad, but i still feel like dirt about it. so, that was my mornings drama. i mean, i know she wont starve, she eats baby food fairly well, and she does have the cereal bottle. but still, the guilt... michael would just die if he knew. but, she'll be fine, i'm sure. and now she only has 3 hours left. but, i WILL go get her formula the second i get off work today. she's sick...did i mention that? we both are. i used to think she was bringing germs home from daycare, but my son never gets sick, so i think the baby and i must share an allergy of some sort.

well, i won my hoop skirt on ebay. woo hoo! only 15 bucks. i'm excited. i cant believe i'm planning this big shebang. i wish we could get married in cooler weather, but michael wants to do it soon after he gets home, and if he stays there until april...well, then it looks like may (which was my original plan if you'll read back). besides, even if he does get to come home early (he heard a february rumor) it still doesnt help. there's his bday and V-day in feb, my bday is in march, and by april its 70 degrees down here!! sheesh. so, we'll just set a firm may date, and have an evening wedding so it will be cooler. but evening weddings are usually a little more formal...goody. more work for me. why cant the military cooperate with my plans? haha

did i mention the weather here? the high today is 80. 6 weeks until christmas, and here in good ole SC, its 80 freaking degrees. what kind of crap is that? the low (at night) is around 60. maybe i should move farther north. i wonder if i'll be able to wear shorts at x-mas? lol guess i should go email marci now, make her help with wedding plans. hehe may 15th is a saturday, sounds good to me!

marci hasnt kept me amused today. i find that offensive. haha she hasnt answered my email in 2 hours. i am angry. how rude! (not really angry) i have 5 minutes left of work. then i have errands to run, and i dont feel like it, bc i am sick. however, it is bills that i have to pay, and i dont want them to turn off my phone or my cable. LOL i wonder if the new house has cable? it is out in the boonies. they may not have cable out there. that would suck. then i would have to use dial-up internet. my life would be over. hmmm...i'll have to check into that. DSL is not available here yet either. well, its time to go home now...marci i know you will read this...i am mad at you...lol

havent heard from him in almost 24 hours. i'm trying not to think about it. so, we'll talk about other things. did i mention that i bought my wedding dress on ebay? well, i did. its an addiction that marci and i share. LOL i also bid on a hoop skirt (to go under the dress) but i lost it by 50 cents in the last 2minutes of the auction. how very annoying. oh well, i'll just bid on another one.

how can i not talk about michael in a blog that is all about him? i can do this, i can. i will NOT talk about michael. he is fine, he will be fine, and he will come home safely. so i do NOT need to obsess about this.

ok, now that i've gotten that out of the way. i'm sick. emalee is sick also. i cant figure out if she's getting sick and then passing it on to me, or if perhaps she and i share an alergy of some sort. we seem to get a stuffy nose together all the time. i hope she's not allergic to the cat. that would suck.

so... i'm thinking of applying to aiu online to get my bachelor's degree. i guess people probably dont look very highly at online degrees though, do they? not that i really care what anyone else thinks. oh, who am i kidding, sure i do! but i'm still gonna do it, bc its so much easier for me, i can do it after the kids go to bed etc. speaking of bed, i hope we get this house. it'll be fun! i sent the #'s of 3 house inspectors to michael's dad. supposedly that is the first step. i'm keeping my fingers crossed. i'm tired. emalee hasnt slept the last two nights. i wonder if its because her dad is gone? i wonder if she knows? i wonder if she can tell that i am upset? poor kid. connor is still upset. when i walked in to pick him up yesterday, he said "aw man". and i said "what, are you not ready to go?" AND HE SAID "michael's not with you". UGH!!! i felt sssssssooooooooooo bad. then, this morning, he said something about michael, and then he said "its not fair is it mama?" oh, i couldnt help it, i started crying. wait, i'm not supposed to be talking about this. ok, think. talked to my lawyer yesterday. he is looking for my ex-husband so he can throw him back in jail...again. some idiots never learn, do they? i told him i had NO idea how to find the man, and frankly, dont care. what a scumbag. the ex, not the lawyer. he's great. lol (personal friend) not sure what else to write about right now, all thoughts go to michael, and i dont want to talk about that! maybe i'll start some wedding plans...only 6 mos away now. :)

well, michael is gone again. he left yesterday. amid all the "action" going on over there right now, he has to fly back in. that has me worried. of course, i always worry, dont i? i'm just so scared that some jackass is going to shoot his chopper down or something. i dont think i'm allowed to say exactly when he will be flying over the country, for that very reason. hopefully i'll hear from him again on one of his stops. we went to the theme park alone (well w/o his brother) and had so much fun!!! michael threw up twice. i told him that is what he gets for drinking a beer and then riding a roller coaster. it was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! poor thing. they didnt make me go into the clown haunted house (i'm deathly afraid of evil clowns-but thats another post). everyone else went in (including michael) but he later came back out bc he didnt want me wait alone. how sweet, huh? he won a pooh for emalee, and was very proud of himself. we went to the mall there, its HUGE, and had a great time walking around, shopping etc. we bought some of those tall beer glasses (cute cute) and OF COURSE, an outfit for emalee. michael also got her a piglet rattle (because she's a little piggy he said). it was a good time, just hanging out by ourselves. all in all, a nice saturday for us. sunday we spent with his family, and all too soon it was monday and time for him to leave. we went and had pictures taken of all of us, and then i took him to meet his dad, who was driving him to the airport. that was something i knew i couldnt do. it was hard watching him go. both of the kids took it hard as well. connor was pretty easy to calm down, but emalee is just too young to understand why he's not there holding her all the time. (ggggrrrrrrrrr) i thought i'd be ok with him leaving again, and i think if it werent for the attack on that chinook, i may not be so upset. but, its scary to think what he is flying into. i just kind of chew my nails, and pray. we are probably buying a house. his dad has his POA and told me he'd take care of all the details. its just more than i can deal with right now. very stressful. the realtor said she thought we should definately be in the house by x-mas. i hate having to move all by myself again, but the house is huge, and right down the street from the family farm. (his family not mine) it will be a bit of a drive for me, but all in all, very exciting. its a tad on the expensive side in my opinion, but i think we are paying mostly for the yard (pond etc). anyway, i guess we'll see how that goes. more later...