Leaving the Past Behind...Is It Possible?


sometimes i wonder, if everything will ever be OK again. there are the days when i dont think about the past. the days when i dont wonder about the lies he told me, the days when they dont hurt. and then, there are days like today. days when i wonder if he and i will ever be truly happy. i need closure on the things that happened, the lies that were told. the deceit, the pain, the covering of tracks, the missed phone calls, the nights out with the "boys". i dwell on them all. and they prevent me from moving forward. so, i go to michael for comfort. i beg him to tell me the truth. i wont get mad, knowing that he did it, cant hurt anymore than thinking that he did anyway. at least this way, i'll know that he's being honest, and i can move on, believing that he's trying to be straight with me on all counts. but as long as he continues to deny, and HIDE, what i know in my heart to be true, i can never believe that he's a changed person. never believe that he is being 100% honest with me. and then he does something, like change his email password, that makes me think "whats he got to hide now". and maybe there's nothing there. but why else would he change it? he still denies SO many things. things that i believe in my heart happened. things that other people have witnessed. he claims that they are all lying. are they? or is he? and part of me thinks, just believe him. but the rational part of me says, "he's lying to you over and over and over". every day that he lets me live with a rationale that he knows is non-existent, he's lying to me again. so, if i cant let it go, without the truth, and he's unwilling to tell the truth...where do we go from here?

for those of you who are grammatically challenged, or cant find the right "swear word" to express your level of anger, click here

wow, the drama continues. last night, when i finally got home, around 7, i saw an instant yahoo message on my computer. this made me sad because i knew it was michael. he had been online, and I wasnt home to talk to him. so, i checked my email to see if he'd written....NOPE. strange. but-there was an email from his mother. she asked if he was still having probs with his email. hmmm....i dont know. i'll check it out. so, i log on to his email. no....i dont. invalid password. invalid password??? no way. maybe i had a typo. i'll try again. invalid password. the little prick CHANGED his password. he uses one password for everything. all his messengers, online banking, email accounts everything. and now, his email, and ONLY his email has a new password that i dont know. now, why do we think that is? i honestly dont read his email anymore. i only logged on to it, to see if he'd gotten her email, like she asked. but, i cant log on, because he changed his password. why would he DO that? dee said maybe he just wanted some privacy. i say he has something to hide.

and why do men do things like that anyway? why do they feel compelled to constantly prove their masculinity by having "friends" they know they shouldnt have? oh sure, they may never cheat, but its just the idea. the idea that they know they could. they like the attention, adoration even, of other women. its sad. i heard some twisted logic one time from a girl who preyed on married men. she especially went after the ones who wanted to be "just friends" and said they would never cheat. why? because she wanted to settle down . she wanted to get married. and she KNEW that these guys had commitment potential because they were already committed to someone else. she managed to snag a married guy twice. both times he divorced his wife to be with her. and both times, he cheated on her within a year. stupid, stupid girl. see, the error in her logic was in thinking that because these guys were married, they were "commitment ready". if they were committed to their wives, would they be out in a bar talking to you? NO these men are even less committed than single men. sad isnt it?

back to michael. OBVIOUSLY, he cant cheat from iraq...well, he could, there's plenty of female soldiers over there, but then there'd be no need to hide his emails. so, he's not cheating, he's just communicating with another female. so, why is that a big deal to me? because he feels the need to HIDE it for one. another reason is bc before he left he did cheat. and the one stipulation to me staying with his juvenile ass after that, was the he not so much as TALK to another female while he was overseas, unless they shared blood. and he agreed. even made it sound like his idea, by saying the only people he was going to have TIME to call/email would be myself of his parents. good on him you say? nope. cuz it was a skeezy lie. he's a skeezy little liar. and i am pissed off.

so, now the question. do i confront him and admit that i tried to log into his email, and ask why the password was changed? do i act pissy with him, and ask leading questions like "emailed any girls lately" and see if he confesses on his own? do i ignore it, and deal with it when he gets home? do i ignore it all together and let it roll off my back? or, do i tell him i dont trust him, perhaps i never will, and end things now? lots of choices, none good.

i dont have a good betty word today, but i do have a good receptionist word.

seen-yes, you would think this is ok, right? WRONG...especially when used in place of "saw". sentence "i seen your brother at the piggly wiggly last night". its like a really bad scene out of Sweet Home Alabama.

speaking of alabama, has anyone heard the new buddy jewel song called sweet southern comfort? i like it. its nice.

this is BULLSHIT. sorry guys, but there is no other way to describe this. i have taken 4 (count them 1, 2, 3,4) PERSONAL messages for the freaking receptionist. either because she is yapping away on ANOTHER personal call, or because she's outside on her 5th smoke break of the hour. and while we're on the subject of smoke breaks, why the heck is it that people who are essentially killing themselves with nicotine and tar, get to take 10 times the breaks of any other person working in the same office? just because you want to kill yourself slowly, should NOT give you privileges of missing more work than everyone else. lord that aggravates me. her JOB is to answer the dang phone and she cant even do that.

anyway, on to michael! he called last night. he's so darn cute. i just want to pinch his cheeks. he was cracking me up last night. i told him about the incident with my boss and that i was pissed and wanted to move. he laughed at me and told me to make up my mind. i told him that i've never said i didnt want to move. of course, i dont want to go to nasty ft hood where they are going to redeploy him. oh well. i'm kinda over my temper tantrum now anyway. i'd still move if he wanted, but i'm no longer thinking up revenge tactics.

i tortured my child last night. i didnt mean to, i feel horrible. she was nursing, and she just looked so cute, and i just wanted to smoosh her, so i pinched her little cheek. NOT HARD. but, boy did she start wailing. she turned that little lip down, and her eyes teared up and she went to screaming. it was horrible. i felt like such a bad mommy. i know it didnt hurt, i think it just ticked her off. and she was mad at me for quite a while. everytime she looked at me she just started crying again. on the up side though, she went to sleep soon after that, and slept 12 hours straight. thats always nice. haha

marci is being a slacker at keeping me amused today. she must be busy. oh well, i have plenty to do with ANSWERING THE PHONES FOR THE DANG RECEPTIONIST.

this is going to be a really crappy day. and it did NOT start out that way. i even got to work 10 minutes early. but, as soon as i got here, i spent 30 minutes in my boss' office getting my ass chewed. i actually got in trouble for leaving at the time that i get off work everyday. what am i supposed to do, stay after i'm off? so, i asked, would you like me to work later hours? "no" was the response. ok, so you're mad when i leave work at the time i am supposed to, but you dont want me to work later?!?!?! what am i missing here folks? then he starts telling me how valuable i am, and what an asset i am to the office, because of my training, licensing etc... ok, so, what do you want me to DO??????????? yes, i know that i can do things that no one else in the office can bc i am the only one licensed to do so. but, you dont want me to do it, you want to do it yourself. even when i offer to do the things that i am licensed to do, i'm told no, thats ok. so, again, WHAT DO THESE PEOPLE WANT FROM ME??? blood???? sheesh. i mean, come on here, get a grip. you are saying that you are not happy with the way i do things, but you dont want me to change anything either. what is that crap? oh the drama. i swear, i think i'm gonna tell michael to take those damn orders to germany. except that those guys will probably deploy. and that would be drama wouldnt it? ok, so maybe i wont do that. let me think awhile on my retaliation...

i have another betty word for ya

onced-known to the rest of the world as once. as in "onced you do that, your cost will go down"

ok, now my coworker post. this should lighten the mood. a lady that works with me, i'll call her betty, drives me nuts sometimes. can we say KNOW-IT-ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but, then she will turn around and ask the most ignorant questions. so, today, we'll list a couple of her favorite words.

subligate-better known to the real world as "subrogate". sentence: if you pay your deductible we can subligate against the other company to get it back.

bus left- the act of being left behind by the bus. sentence: if you dont hurry down to the bus stop, you're going to get bus left.

there are more, but i cant think of them right now. i'll add them as i hear her say them. another fabulous habit of hers..."carrie can you show me how to...". so, i go into her office, and fix whatever she has done to her computer THIS time, and then she says, now do that again so i can see what you did. well gee, break it again, and i will.

and another favorite, is when she asks me to do personal things for her at work. like, go to the irs site and download a form she needs. she just cant do it from home, she doesnt know how. HILARIOUS!! i have never minded doing things for her, bc i know how PC illiterate she is, but i still find it hilarious! because, if i was downloading that stupid form for myself, she'd be tattling. and arent 50-something women too old to tattle? sheesh!

the annoying receptionist is out today. i think i mentioned that already. since she's not here to come into my office and try to see what i'm typing, i'll tell a story about her from friday. does the term "white trash" mean anything? anyway! friday she was telling me a story about her live-in boyfriend. apparently he asked he was she was cooking for supper. she told him nothing. a few minutes later he (nastily) asked again. she told him she'd eaten, and her kids had eaten, and she wasnt cooking a damn thing. to which he started yelling at her. she told him to fix his own food or pack his bags and leave her house, she didnt care which. now this part is pretty funny. because i'd have done the same thing. but, she's not me. and i KNOW she wouldnt have reacted to him that way. but anyway, this is where her story starts to get interesting. she's one of those people that has to tell the story twice. back to back. in case you didnt hear her the first time. so, version one of the story ended with him storming out, sitting in his car for 30 minutes listening to the radio, and then coming in to fix himself a bologna sandwich. version two of the story, which began IMMEDIATELY when version one was over, ended with him coming inside COOKING dinner, and even offering her some. its days like this that i want to look at her and scream "what the hell happened to the bologna sandwich". you'd have to hear her to fully understand. it goes something like this...first part of story..."that joker came inside and fixed himself a bologna sandwich, and went to bed. thats what he needs to do. i dont cater to no man. it was so funny y'all. shoot, thats my damn house, i aint doing nothing for him. if i'm hungry i'll cook, if i'm not i won't. i make sure my kids eat, i'm not worried about him, he's a grown man. wanna sit outside and pout. then come in and smoke up my whole house. he sat outside and pouted and then he brought his tail inside and cooked his supper, and smoked up my whole damn house. then he wanted to offer me some. i told ya man, i already ate, i dont want none of your nasty burnt up supper, hell naw." duh, did you hear yourself JUST SAY he ate a sandwich?!?! it must be hard to be so stupid. especially when you've experienced SO much in life. i mean, she's lived everywhere, done everything, had every kind of dog on the face of the earth, but the ALL ran away, been married to or dated every branch of the military, knows everything about everything. and cant even keep a story straight. what a tangled web we weave...

well, the weather here is a little nicer. the high today is 55, and the sun is shining. i love fall. i'd be a lot happier about it if michael were here. wah wah, poor me! ema was in a terrific mood yesterday morning, so i got several smiling pictures which i promptly emailed out to EVERYONE that i know! :) she's a beauty!! (no, i'm not partial)

i havent heard from marci today, i wonder if she's at work. maybe she's actually busy. LOL work is dreadfully boring today. its almost frightening. the receptionist is out with her sick daughter. she's probably actually hungover, its probably not the daughter at all. thats mean isnt it? oh well!

my weekend was rather blah. i got to talk to michael online for about 30 minutes on saturday, which was nice. then i went to my aunt's baby shower, and we all went out to eat etc. it was really late when i got home, and man was i tired. then yesterday i went over to my grandmother's for lunch (the whole family goes on sundays) and that was about it. michael called yesterday, its always great to hear his voice. he's thinking of getting out of the military. i say "hell yeah". of course, i feel somewhat guilty encouraging that, since i know he's only doing it for me and the kids. but, is that so wrong? i mean, he's not doing it bc i said so, he's doing it bc he wants to be with us, wants to see his daughter grow up. and i think he's afraid (as most of us are) that this drama in iraq will never end, and he'll miss so many of her important events. so, you see, its not really my fault at all.

i havent made any wedding plans. i'm being slack, i know. i'll do what i always do, and wait until the last minute, and then try to throw everything together in a few weeks. i cant even decide how many attendants to have. all of my close friends have moved away. except for the one i'm currently not speaking to. lol and SHE Doesnt deserve to be in my wedding. i'm still pouting with her (as i have been for 7 months now)

speaking of 7 months, yesterday was exactly 7 months to the day, that michael has been gone. its very sad to think of it that way. 7 months. wow. i havent talked to trudie in quite a while, i wonder how's she dealing... its kind of sad to think how dependent she is on a man. i mean, yes, i miss michael, sickeningly so sometimes, but i dont wallow in self pity the way she does. I SAVE THAT FOR HERE. hahaha but, hey, you dont have to read it if you dont want to. :P i'm not having a good "writing" day, i need some inspiration. i wish i had some witty pearls of wisdom to share. but, of course i dont. i think i'll make a seperate post a little later on my co-worker...that should be funny