nothing has happened in my life in two days. isnt that scary?

well, its a good thing i waited to confront becky. how is it that things can seem SO clear, it can appear that there is NO other explanation for something, yet there is. and once we hear that explanation it makes perfect sense. far more sense than what we originally suspected even! ok, hears what happened. you'll have to read back to find out who T is...basically she is michael's boss' wife. so, when i found the becky email, i wrote T asking her to see what she could find out. then, i waited for 2 very tense days to hear from her. last night, i did. she talked to her husband. and he knows this girl. she is over there with them right now. i panicked. until i read on... michael has a buddy named Z. now, this guy is not my favorite person, a little on the wild side, young, very immature, and known to hang out with some bad gals. anyway, apparently, he used to date becky. becky, according to michael's boss, is t-r-a-s-h. she and Z had a bad break-up. so Sgt B (the boss) said it is highly likely that michael was talking about the girl, because he never liked any of the trashy women that Z hung out with. then he told T to assure me that he'd been keeping an eye on michael, and that he's done nothing but talk about, and worry about me and the kids the whole time he's been over there. ***sigh***

well, then michael calls this morning. i quickly tell him that he has a very nasty email sitting in his inbox, and warn him not to read it. he says ok. then i explain to him what it is about, and tell him that i've found out who becky is. he still doesnt know "which one" of Z's girls she was. but, said if it was the one he was thinking of, she was "nasty". then he said, he'd only met her twice, and hasnt said anything about her. so, either she was just trying to get attention with the email (my theory) or she heard Z was talking about her, confronted him, and he blamed michael to get her off of his back. (michael's theory). Z is on leave right now, but he will talk to him when he gets back and find out for sure if that is the right girl, and why she is writing him.

why, oh why, cant i just keep my nose in my own darn email??????????????

still no word from michael. i dont even know if he's checked his email. his mother said that he called his father yesterday, but he didnt call me. not a big deal, it was his dad's birthday, so i understand the phone call. but, if he was there with the phone in his hand why the heck didnt he call me? butthead. anyway, i dont know why i logged on here like i had something to say, bc i sure dont feel like talking about it. by the way, i havent heard from back from becky. my paranoid sense of logic tells me that he's talked to her, told her not to say anything to me, she would have then told him about the emails, which he would have figured out was me, and not himself (of course). great. if thats the case, then he knows that i dont know a damn thing. ick! i really dont want to talk about it now...

well, i emailed ron (you'll remember him from the "soulmate" discussion) to get some advice. i told him to tell me to stop being paranoid, and not to assume the worst, and to trust the boy. this was his reply. "don't ever trust anyone as much as you do me....you may come close, but not as much. :) yes...be paranoid...be very paranoid" now, i know where he's coming from with this... i do trust him more than anyone else. because i know that no matter what i tell him, he'd never repeat it. and i trust guys more than girls anyway. because they dont gossip, and they dont meddle. they dont stick their nose in where it doesnt belong, and hey-they aint gonna sleep with your man! lol its so hard to explain my relationship with him. he always knows exactly what advice to give me, because he KNOWS me that well. now, occasionally there is the problem with him only hearing my side of the story. but, so often, he'll say, ok that is your side, now lets look at it from his side. haha i havent fully told him about the becky incident, because i'm not sure how i feel about it yet, and i dont want him to have a low opinion of michael, in case this turns out to be nothing. i wanted reassurance that the rest of the people in my life (especially those i want to marry) deserved the same trust and respect that i so freely give to ron. that reassurance, i did not get. but, can we ever trust a lover the way we trust a friend? i mean, for the time that ron and i dated, i didnt trust that turkey. i called him every day, "where are you, who are you with, what are you doing". but, the luxury of friendship, is that you dont need to know those things. whoever, or whatever he's doing, doesnt concern me, as long as it doesnt adversely affect our friendship. and it never has. and he's having problems of his own (crazy wife) and it isnt fair to burden him with my problems and expect him to fix them. but i always have, and he always does. in turn, i have always given him advice about his loco wife. so, maybe its not selfish to go crying to him? anyway, his advice not to trust, has left me slightly concerned about my future with michael.

could i please have had a worst weekend?!?! because i really dont think it sucked enough. hell, i didnt get arrested or struck by lightning or anything! and those would have DEFINITELY been worse. slightly... i guess the weekend started out alright. connor went to his dads and i spent a quiet night at home with ema. then saturday, i got up, took a shower, and dressed, bathed ema, and dressed her in an adorable pink outfit with a huge flower on the front. she's SO cute. and she was in a terrific mood. so i took several pictures. (the faint of heart need not read on). well, miss ema decided to take a huge crap...it ran out of her diaper and ALL over her! so, i had to strip her down, wash her down, and re-dress her. well, that was not overly tragic, i suppose. except that i was sleepy and tired because a friend of mine, dee, was surfing the net, and michael logged on, so she goes blabbing to him about how pissed off i am at him about the whole password thing. so...........even though its ONE THIRTY in the morning, he tells her to call me and tell me to get online so he can talk to me about it. lovely well, i was tired, and irritable, and didnt feel like discussing it, so i refused to talk about it, and even denied being mad. he's such a little fibber though, even then he was lying! stinking brat. well, saturday ema spent the night off, and i went out with some friends. NOT fun. i was in a bar, they played crappy music, there werent many people that i knew, and i was tired from my lack of sleep the night before. anyway, i was there until almost 2 in the morning. finally, i took my friend home (yes it was a chic...dont get suspicious) and i went home, going to bed sometime after 2. well, bright and early at 9am michael calls. the conversation went something like this.

M:good morning honey, happy anniversary
C:hey you, thanks!
M:whatcha doin?
C:sleepin
M:still sleepin? musta stayed out too late last night
C:probably
M:(incredulously) what?
C:you're probably right, i was out too late
M:you went OUT last night?
C:yes, why?
M:where was ema
C:she spent the night with my aunt
M:WHY
C:bc they wanted to take her to church this morning, and i wanted to go out
M:is she still there?
C:yes, you woke me up remember?
M:how long are you planning on leaving her there?
C:until i wake up and go get her
M:who did you go out with?
C:D**** and S***** why?
M:where did y'all go?
C:the bar where their husbands work/
M:did you drink?
C:yes dear, but dont worry, i had one for you also.
M:(laffs) gee thanks
M:dont make a habit of this...
C:what do you mean
M:going out all the time
C:it was ONE night
M:you know what i meant, dont make it a habit
C:oh, like you used to?
M:USED to, dont anymore
C:hard to go out in iraq isnt it?
M:i didnt do it when i came home did i?
C:well, we shall see how long that lasts.
M:it will
C:we'll see...now can we change the subject

the conversation went pretty well after that, he told me he was going to try to send me flowers, but nowhere was open on sunday. i told him not to worry about it, it was ruined now since he'd told me anyway. he said he was sorry. no big deal. well, then i figure i may as well get out of the bed, right? so, i pull my sneaky snake routine, and check his alternate email address. guess whats there? an email from becky... it went a little something like this. "I don't know what ur problem is, but I've been hearin you're spreadin my name in a very bad way...WTF? I'd say we have to talk, but u've already made ur mind up, and u don't even see the truth...whatever. " and that is a direct quote. so, what did she mean? i dont know, but i wrote her back and asked! then i emailed T and asked her to do some digging on this girls name (she had an army email address) and see what she could find out about her. i havent heard back yet. i also emailed michael, and told him that i'd talked with becky, and that he better fess up. i wonder if he'll tell me the truth? ya never can tell. so, for the past 26 hours, i've been nauseous, paranoid, and generally unconsolable. picking up connor helped, and it also helped that he wanted KFC for dinner, so i didnt have to cook. but, my feelings are still awfully hurt! i just hope he can tell me the truth. thats the only chance we have right now...