Friday, January 23, 2004
i'm not done complaining in case anyone wanted to know. i was going to post some pics of the wedding site, but then i thought that removed a good bit of anonymity, doesnt it? so, i cant do that. anyway! michael has the link to this. i'm kinda scared he may read it. i mean, i really dont think he can see how selfish he's being. and i feel bad for talking about him, because i know he's far away, and he's just excited and everything, but damn. it just sucks that i dont count. i really thought my opinion was more important to him than that. his mom wants to have a "drop in" with all the relatives, shortly after the wedding. and he wants to have that big party/reception thing. and then there's the big wedding and reception. damn, how much do you have to celebrate one flipping wedding? i dont mind the family thing, i really dont, but its stupid to have a big wedding/reception, and then have another reception later. thats just DUMB. and everyone keeps talking about breaking out the booze. hello, can you celebrate SOBER? guess not. and now i am moody. and i dont even feel like blogging anymore. maybe i'll go think up some more ideas for my sucky wedding.
well, i'm going to check out a wedding site tmw. THE wedding site. you know, for the wedding i dont want. now michael is being more stubborn than ever. now, not only does he want the wedding and the reception following, but he also wants a huge party for our friends. and he no longer wants the honeymoon we agreed on. he wants to go to the virgin islands. i hate the beach. i hate sand. i hate the ocean. i have a sun allergy. (seriously, ask my mom) so, lets see, now it gets to be the wedding he wants while i'm miserable, AND it gets to be the honeymoon he wants while i'm miserable. what a way to start a marriage huh? it feels like my opinion doesnt matter to him. like I dont matter to him. why is it that i'm always the one giving in? why am i the only one that can find the middle ground? i certainly hope this isnt indicative of the rest of our lives. cuz if so, this is going to be a short marriage. he tells me he's always had this picture of a perfect wedding. and he's not willing to compromise on that. well, i too have always had a picture of a perfect wedding. only our pictures were very different. so, he gets his, and i get screwed. and that is fair how?
Thursday, January 22, 2004
i realized i may need a littl introspection today. so i've decided to point out my major character flaws, for the whole world to read (along with a few good things)!
1. i'm very judgemental...cruelly so
2. i love my children to a fault
3. sometimes i wish i'd never had children
4. then i feel guilty about that thought
5. i procrastinate-i've had my lights and phone turned off in the last 6 months even though i had the money
6. i'm shy sometimes, and very outgoing sometimes
7. i'm terrified of the wedding i am planning
8. when i am comfortable, i thrive on being the center of attention
9. i smoke sometimes, quit sometimes, never been addicted...it is odd
10.i stole my first husband from his first wife and then lost him to a married woman
11.i hate my first husband-i never loved him, only the idea of being married
12.i hate that my receptionist never works, always talks on the phone, but i wont say anything to her
13.i'm not appreciated at work, and i get very angry about it
14.i love the color pink, though i'd never admit it
15.i'd hate to be accused of being girly
16.my mother and i have never gotten along, i feel she's fake
17.i write people off very easily, instead of forgiving them
18.that is how almost ALL of my relationships have ended (friends or romantically)
19.i'm cruel when i want to be, horribly so
20.i'm very self-involved
21.i think back and laugh at my teen years, when i thought 115lbs was fat
22.i wish i was 115lbs again
23.i say my prayers every night, and the first thing i say is to thank God for my kids
24.i'm terrified of eternity
25.i'm addicted to braingle.com
26.none of my close friends live in this state
27.the ones that do, i no longer speak to (see #17)
28.i miss them sometimes
29.i'm too stubborn to ever admit it
30.even though its been 9 months, i still miss michael so much it hurts
31.sometimes i worry that because he's so important to me, i'll lose him
32.my fiance is my best friend, and i hope, always will be
33.i like his mom much better than my own
34.i like his dad more than his mom-i dont know why
35.i feel bad admitting that
35.his grandmother drives me CRAZY
36.i feel bad admitting that too
37.i hate self-analysis
38.i hate insurance (which is where i work)
39.i used to party...A LOT
40.i love coutry music
41.i hate to cook
42.i hate to drive
43.i hate extreme temperatures, either hot or cold
44.i also hate to clean
45.my father died when i was 22-i never got to tell him i was married
46.we were not close-he was an alcoholic and i hated him for most of my life
47.i'm glad that i forgave him, and that we had a relationship when he died
48.sometimes i still cry when i think about it
49.i love steak, but rarely eat it
50.i have dinner w/my grandma every sunday
51.i get very depressed when i realize she may die soon (she's a little sick)
52.i adore hershey bars
53.i pretty much always eat junk
54.i love getting emails and surf all day at work
55.i get very mad when i have a customer
56.i love to ride horses
57.i'm addicted to my children, its scary, as i used to be the opposite
58.i hate my car...and my house
59.i pay my bills, but i'm also very frivolous
60.i have a small crush on a guy from another of our offices
61.i feel bad admitting that
62.i cant wait to be married
63.but i'm scared it will fail...again
64.my fiance and I have spent more time apart than together
65.i got pregnant with my daughter the first night we slept together (i think)
66.i met him in a bar, and i was extremely drunk
67.i love planning weddings, just not my own
68.i'd like to leave my job, but i'd feel guilty bc my boss has helped me out a lot
69.i love to type. odd isnt it?
70.i keep pausing in this list to check my email
71.i love taking pictures. so does my son
72.he has my personality just as clearly as if he were a "mini-me"
73.his attitude drives me MAD...he's rotten, but i dont punish him
74.i'm afraid that punishing my kids means someone can come take them
75.i get so involved in movies sometimes, that i feel like it happened to me afterwards
76.though i was young, i cried when reagan left office, and thought "what will happen to this country"
77.i marvel sometimes at how justified those tears were
78.i'm a die-hard republican...but i dont support bush generally speaking
79.i refuse to vote bc i dont like any candidate
80.my sister is beautiful, and i hate that about her
81.she's also very bitchy,and i love that about her
82.i love sex and the city, but i never watch it the night it comes on, i check it out later on HBO on demand
83.i didnt realize this list would be so long
84.i went to catholic school for awhile
85.i used to play the clarinet, but my mom didnt make the payments and they came to our house and took it. i think i've always resented her for that.
86.i always felt like i was the child who didnt matter to her
87.i always only wanted one child so that my son would never have to feel that way
88.i never knew it was possible to have so much love for 2 people, without exploding, until i had kids
89.i daydream...alot...i dont think it is healthy
90.i have actually met up with people that i met online in a chat room (they were all nice, we still talk)
91.i've never gotten along with my brother, even now i dont really like him, i have no idea why
92.at 25, i'm still waiting to feel like a grown-up
93.i've stolen money before
94.every day on my lunch break, i go visit my kids at daycare, and feel guilty if i cant
95.i once abandoned a cat when i moved from one house to another
96.i once punched my mother, which got me kicked out of the house
97.i did it defending my sister, but she didnt ever appreciate it
98.i've had my heart broken, more than once
99.i'm very self concious
100i'm sarcastic
1. i'm very judgemental...cruelly so
2. i love my children to a fault
3. sometimes i wish i'd never had children
4. then i feel guilty about that thought
5. i procrastinate-i've had my lights and phone turned off in the last 6 months even though i had the money
6. i'm shy sometimes, and very outgoing sometimes
7. i'm terrified of the wedding i am planning
8. when i am comfortable, i thrive on being the center of attention
9. i smoke sometimes, quit sometimes, never been addicted...it is odd
10.i stole my first husband from his first wife and then lost him to a married woman
11.i hate my first husband-i never loved him, only the idea of being married
12.i hate that my receptionist never works, always talks on the phone, but i wont say anything to her
13.i'm not appreciated at work, and i get very angry about it
14.i love the color pink, though i'd never admit it
15.i'd hate to be accused of being girly
16.my mother and i have never gotten along, i feel she's fake
17.i write people off very easily, instead of forgiving them
18.that is how almost ALL of my relationships have ended (friends or romantically)
19.i'm cruel when i want to be, horribly so
20.i'm very self-involved
21.i think back and laugh at my teen years, when i thought 115lbs was fat
22.i wish i was 115lbs again
23.i say my prayers every night, and the first thing i say is to thank God for my kids
24.i'm terrified of eternity
25.i'm addicted to braingle.com
26.none of my close friends live in this state
27.the ones that do, i no longer speak to (see #17)
28.i miss them sometimes
29.i'm too stubborn to ever admit it
30.even though its been 9 months, i still miss michael so much it hurts
31.sometimes i worry that because he's so important to me, i'll lose him
32.my fiance is my best friend, and i hope, always will be
33.i like his mom much better than my own
34.i like his dad more than his mom-i dont know why
35.i feel bad admitting that
35.his grandmother drives me CRAZY
36.i feel bad admitting that too
37.i hate self-analysis
38.i hate insurance (which is where i work)
39.i used to party...A LOT
40.i love coutry music
41.i hate to cook
42.i hate to drive
43.i hate extreme temperatures, either hot or cold
44.i also hate to clean
45.my father died when i was 22-i never got to tell him i was married
46.we were not close-he was an alcoholic and i hated him for most of my life
47.i'm glad that i forgave him, and that we had a relationship when he died
48.sometimes i still cry when i think about it
49.i love steak, but rarely eat it
50.i have dinner w/my grandma every sunday
51.i get very depressed when i realize she may die soon (she's a little sick)
52.i adore hershey bars
53.i pretty much always eat junk
54.i love getting emails and surf all day at work
55.i get very mad when i have a customer
56.i love to ride horses
57.i'm addicted to my children, its scary, as i used to be the opposite
58.i hate my car...and my house
59.i pay my bills, but i'm also very frivolous
60.i have a small crush on a guy from another of our offices
61.i feel bad admitting that
62.i cant wait to be married
63.but i'm scared it will fail...again
64.my fiance and I have spent more time apart than together
65.i got pregnant with my daughter the first night we slept together (i think)
66.i met him in a bar, and i was extremely drunk
67.i love planning weddings, just not my own
68.i'd like to leave my job, but i'd feel guilty bc my boss has helped me out a lot
69.i love to type. odd isnt it?
70.i keep pausing in this list to check my email
71.i love taking pictures. so does my son
72.he has my personality just as clearly as if he were a "mini-me"
73.his attitude drives me MAD...he's rotten, but i dont punish him
74.i'm afraid that punishing my kids means someone can come take them
75.i get so involved in movies sometimes, that i feel like it happened to me afterwards
76.though i was young, i cried when reagan left office, and thought "what will happen to this country"
77.i marvel sometimes at how justified those tears were
78.i'm a die-hard republican...but i dont support bush generally speaking
79.i refuse to vote bc i dont like any candidate
80.my sister is beautiful, and i hate that about her
81.she's also very bitchy,and i love that about her
82.i love sex and the city, but i never watch it the night it comes on, i check it out later on HBO on demand
83.i didnt realize this list would be so long
84.i went to catholic school for awhile
85.i used to play the clarinet, but my mom didnt make the payments and they came to our house and took it. i think i've always resented her for that.
86.i always felt like i was the child who didnt matter to her
87.i always only wanted one child so that my son would never have to feel that way
88.i never knew it was possible to have so much love for 2 people, without exploding, until i had kids
89.i daydream...alot...i dont think it is healthy
90.i have actually met up with people that i met online in a chat room (they were all nice, we still talk)
91.i've never gotten along with my brother, even now i dont really like him, i have no idea why
92.at 25, i'm still waiting to feel like a grown-up
93.i've stolen money before
94.every day on my lunch break, i go visit my kids at daycare, and feel guilty if i cant
95.i once abandoned a cat when i moved from one house to another
96.i once punched my mother, which got me kicked out of the house
97.i did it defending my sister, but she didnt ever appreciate it
98.i've had my heart broken, more than once
99.i'm very self concious
100i'm sarcastic
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
and the drama continues. no agreement is anywhere in site for the wedding plans. michael is so hard-headed. even when he pretends to agree w/me about the small wedding, he still insists on having 3 attendants, which means i need 3 attendants which means they will want to bring their families or whatever, which means MORE PEOPLE. so, really he's agreed to nothing at all, behind the pretense that he has. and i am not his friend! :)
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