wow hard to believe its been this long since i've blogged. i guess there's been so much going on that i havent found the time. so, lets see, as far as the wedding, dresses have been ordered, the cake has been picked out, as have the flowers. we're going to skip the ring bearer and flower girl, and i think my son is going to walk me down the aisle. he's excited about wearing a tux! there was some drama over the tuxes by the way! i guess m's brother didnt like the tux i picked out, so they worked pretty hard to get M to say he didnt like it, but in the end i won out. its about time i got to choose something in this darn wedding! :) had another planning session with the wedding place, things are going smoothly. bought my pen and guest book, and i have a neat idea to put everyone's picture (from that day) beside their "autograph". should be pretty cool i think. will let you know how that goes.
the kids are great, the baby grows so much every day i can hardly believe it! M gets to see her often on webcam, which makes him happy. she's a beauty. my son punched a kid at school today! busted his lip open. i have no idea why. he gave no reason. lovely huh?
we got a puppy. a cocker spaniel, very cute-very annoying. i am not much on housebreaking animals. i've heard that the best thing to do is crate train them, but he cries the whole time he is in the crate...even all night long. it is horrible. its only been 3 nights though, so i'm hoping he will learn soon!! that little brat craps everywhere!! its disgusting. i never knew one little puppy could hold so much poo! he doesnt go in the crate though, which is i guess how they are trained. maybe i should have waited until M got home to get the dog, but i figured i was safer getting a dog i liked, than waiting until he gets home and getting stuck with some nasty pointer or something!
dont you hate when you think you have SO much to say, and then, really, you have nothing? i just keep thinking, what have i done the last 3 weeks...nothing.
still having some doubts about michael's homecoming. the nearer it draws, the more anxious i get. only 6 weeks now. i heard a rumor that he may be home a couple of weeks early, but we all know how rumors are. i think they said around the 20th of march, but i'm not going to get my hopes up. the 10th of april is not that much farther. i'm nervous about seeing him. i know it sounds crazy. i was nervous when he came home on midtour and that worked out fine. the moment i saw him, it was all ok. but, now, we are getting married. its right around the corner. and that is what makes me the most nervous. the word husband carries some scary connotations for me. i dont know anyone with a good marriage. and the few people that i DO know that have a great marriage, is only because they've toughed it out for 30 years, and now have nothing left to fight about! i'm just scared that he's going to screw up. i know that i should trust him, and i do, but sometimes i wonder if all these strong emotions that he's having arent directly related to the situation he is in. what if he gets home and says "hey, i'm ready to party". i wont be able to deal with that. michael and i used to argue often because he said i gave too many ultimatums. i dont think i do. i simply present, up front, the things i will not put up with. the choice was always his to make. if those things were more important than me, well, then he was welcome to them. the main one being that i am not going to date a drunk. if you have to go out 2-3 nights a week and get trashed, then you are not the guy for me. how is that an ultimatum? i'm not telling him that he cant drink. i'm telling him that i cant be with an alcoholic. i see a distinct difference... so many times i told him "i cant deal with you anymore" so many times i begged him to just let me be. he always said i was being headstrong, and independent to a fault, and pushing him away. i dont see it that way. i didnt need him. i could do it on my own. so when did that change? when did i begin to NEED him-or anyone-in my life to feel complete? when did i change? was it just a part of growing up? or something more sinister? a dependence on a man to make my life whole? perhaps that is why even now, i dont always trust him. perhaps i desire to find him making mistakes as an excuse to push him away. there are always these thoughts in the back of my head that say he will screw up. and at least i will have been somewhat prepared. i will never be blindsided again. is that fair to him? maybe not. but, what if i am right? what if i throw caution to the wind, instill complete trust in him, and he screws up? then i'm left broken-hearted, and whats more, looking like a fool. at least if i keep walls up, i may be hurt, but never foolish. i will have expected it all along, so that the shock is not so extreme. but, living with walls, is it really living? how close can you really let someone get, if you're guarded? sometimes i dont think i give as much of myself as he does. sometimes i think i cant. that i'm not capable. and then i feel sorry for him. but then, the nagging voice in the back of my head reminds me of past lies that he's told, and the walls, are stronger than ever. it may take years of building trust (and intense therapy) to get over this. what if he's not willing to stick it out? what if he's not willing to be there, to put up with my array of shit while i deal with my issues on trust? is it fair for him to reap the consequences for past men? perhaps it is, since he has contributed to those issues. i dont know anymore. all i know is that i wont find out until he is home, and we have a concrete foundation on which to build. sometimes, i feel like i am marrying a stranger. and maybe i am. i'm sure he's changed in the last year, i know i have. but i do love him. and i do believe he loves me. is that enough to make it work?