waiting on michael

2004-06-10T11:18:00.000-04:00

we've moved! :)

we're no longer waiting on Michael, now we're just confused and stumbling our way through life. the new blog is located at http://feminineenigma.blogspot.com/

2004-04-01T11:05:00.000-05:00

on saturday march 27th Michael came home. what a relief. he's already dealt with his mother, i think she'll be easier to handle now! haha anyway, since this blog is titled "waiting on michael" and i'm no longer waiting on him, i guess things end here. i've gone back and read my archives, and it amazes me how many feelings and emotions that i'd never have remembered if it hadnt been for this blog. its also amazing how much i have changed, and how much M and I have changed as a couple. mostly, for the good, which is a relief. the wedding is exactly one month away, so this will be a very busy month for us. luckily, i think we've made it through the hardest part......what a year!!

2004-03-18T11:40:00.000-05:00

What is Love?

I guess everyone has different opinions of what love is, and what its meant to be. But, do any of us really know? I asked my 5-year-old son what love was. his answer was "its when you want to be with someone forever, but you cant". a little cynical for 5, dont you think? i was curious, so i asked him why we couldnt be with someone forever. and he said its because you just cant. no one gets to be with who they want to be forever. has my cynicism rubbed off on him? has he been affected by more than i thought, over the years? have i not hidden my pain from him, they way i thought i did? and is he right? is that love? just wanting to be with someone forever? and can we really? so, what happens when we no longer want to spend the rest of our life with someone? does that mean we dont love them anymore?

i think love is sacrifice. i think love is caring more about someone else than you do about yourself. i think love is giving more than you take, and never regretting that. but, maybe love is different for everyone. i also think that love is a choice, one that we make every day. i dont think you fall in love, i think you decide to love. so, the one who says "i wasnt ready when we were together" really just means, "i decided not to love you". so, if we can decide to love, cant we also decide NOT to love?

but what about the one who says "i didnt know what love was". maybe they did love, but didnt recognize it as that. isnt that possible? maybe they met all the criteria for love, but, somehow had expected it to be something more, or something different than what it was. then, once that person was gone, the loss they felt made then go, "wow, is this what love feels like?" i think its possible. sadly, its almost always too late.

so, how important is love? i think thats the big question. is it more important than commitment, honor, duty, justice? or is it just meant to compliment those things? i've always wondered about the saying "if you cant be with the one you love, then love the one you're with". are you honor-bound to love the one that you're with, and release your heart from the one that got away? or is love more important, and should you seek out the one you love at all cost?

is it possible to love two people? i certainly dont see why not. and this, is where all the other attributes come in. honor, committment, honesty. if you love two people, how do you choose? do you follow your heart, or your head? do you do what feels good, or what you know to be right? do you sacrifice your own feelings to spare anothers? or, can you make a decision to only love one person, and then decide every day, not to let the past love affect your future?

so, my final decision is this: love, like any other emotion, is only a hindrance in the decisions that we must make daily, for the benefit of ourselves and those around us.

2004-03-18T11:11:00.000-05:00

something's happening with michael. i dont know as much as i'd like to, and i cant share what i know. all i know is that he is probably in danger, and i wont hear from him for awhile. so, i try not to think about it, and i certainly dont want to talk about it.

2004-03-11T14:46:00.000-05:00

i am grouchy, grouchy, grouchy! monday night, i t/w M's dad, and i thought we had the rehearsal dinner thing all settled. it was a plan i could live with. a group of 20-25 out on the lake, grilling out. there's a covered shelter etc. sounded fun... then, SHE got involved. she is the devil. SHE decided that she wanted to have it elsewhere....can you guess where? yup! remember the friends that i didnt even really want to invite? well, now she wants to have it at their house. crap! i know she could tell by the tone in my voice that i wasnt thrilled at that idea. but, did she care? oh no. anyway, that happened on tuesday evening. so, i calmly sent M and email telling him that i didnt want to do that. so, i suggested either we have 2 seperate dinners (my family one place, his another) or have no dinner at all. basically, i am refusing to go to this woman's house. i dont like her, she makes me very uncomfortable, etc. anyway, he answers my email, but doesnt address the dinner. so, wednesday morning when we are talking online again, i bring it up. he avoids. i bring it up again. he tells me that we will discuss it when he gets home. unacceptable. when he gets home will be too late to back out. and i am not being coerced into this. so i got mad. i fired off at him. it turned into a huge, wedding-cancelled fight. i hurt his feelings. he said he was "in shock". and that he didnt even know what to say to me. that he felt everything he'd done in the last year, all the changes, were for nothing. i felt bad...but only a little. after all, i only wanted him to make one tiny decision. anyway, he finally decides no dinner... whatever, i dont care. so he asks if we are ok? i said i guess. he asks if the wedding is back on, i say i guess. he says "guess?". i told him to take his victories however he gets them. he asked what that was supposed to mean. it means, i'm not happy. it means i dont want a big wedding. it means this whole thing sucks. but...i'm doing it. for him. so, the least he can do is BACK OFF a little bit. then, he "informs" me that he's just found out he has to caravan across iraq. through some major hotspots before coming home. basically, he's going to be in some pretty serious danger. i dont know whether or not to believe him. why? because before he shipped out, every single time we got into a fight, he'd call me with some BS line like "i just found out i'm shipping out to iraq tomorrow, and i will probably die...i hope you're happy that you're not speaking to me...see ya". used to make me SO mad. and, of course, every time, it was a lie. very annoying! but, there's always the tiny chance that he's telling the truth. its like emotional blackmail. very annoying!! anyway, i guess we got off on ok terms, and i didnt hear from him today. what really pisses me off about that, is i KNOW he got my email, he just didnt answer. and he wasnt online this morning. juvenile. and then there's the itty bitty part of me that thinks "what if he's hurt, what if he's dead". and i know he's not, bc i'd have heard...or would i? i hate the constant doubts. anyway!! on to lighter subjects
i bought wedding invitations today. i have a friend that works at a printing company...so my grand total for wedding invitations?! $22. nice huh? they arent my favorite style, but hey who cares, they're $22!! lol
marci hasnt been around today. i'm thinking maybe she's not at work today. she may be doing something with the kids, since they are oin spring break. which means i have no one to talk to!
ok, now back to M's mom. i emailed her and told her no dinner. she said she understood, but her FRIEND would be "greatly disappointed". gee, like i freaking care! what about me? i'm disappointed. it's MY wedding, and i cant have a rehearsal dinner, bc they are ridiculous. it sucks. she's manipulative and controlling. basically, i wrote her back and told her friend would get over it. then i said that i was going out to eat w/my family and my attendants, and suggested they do the same...maybe she'd take the hint what the problem was. she didnt, she just wrote back and called me a party pooper. whatever lady!!
at marci's suggestion, i called a girlfriend last night and asked her if she wanted to go out for a little while. she'd had a crappy two days at work, so she said absolutely. lol we went out for about 2 hours to a local pub...well, ok i dont know what else to call it. its more like a bar, but its pretty small, and they do have food. but, its mainly a bar. anyway, it wasnt very crowded, so we stayed for a few hours had a couple of drinks (me one, her two) and bitched about our crappy week thus far! lol it was nice, though, to blow off some steam, and i felt better afterwards.
all i know, is that i will be SO glad when may 1st is over!!

2004-03-08T08:56:00.000-05:00

drama, drama, drama. it seems to be the story of my life. every time i think his mother and i are beginning to get along, she does something (IMHO) to undermine me, and my relationship with michael. its enough to make ya scream. we all know about the "ticket" incident. well, here's the latest. michael's parents decided to forego the rehearsal dinner. so MY mother offered to get the wedding party, and the parents (only) together the night before the wedding, so that M and I will be able to give out our gifts. michael's mother then decides to invite people... does this make sense? i mean, she doesnt want to throw the dinner, but she's perfectly willing to invite people? none of MY family is coming. none of MY friends are invited. so, why is it that she should be allowed to invite HER friends? and thats just it, they are friends. not even family. which makes it all the more annoying. if it were a "rehearsal" dinner, i'd have no problem with it. but we were just supposed to be getting the parents together, and of course the wedding party since some of them will be from out of town, and its only polite to feed them...;) lol i just felt that it was EXTREMELY rude of her to invite people, especially when i made it quite clear who was invited. and even if she WAS paying, since when did MY wedding become all about HER?? very frustrating! so anyway, i said no to the friends being invited. very nicely i might add. so, what does SHE do? she goes online and whines to michael about it. so then michael jumps down my throat. he wants them there, blah blah. they are like family to him, blah blah. SO WHAT i have plenty of friends that are "like family". hell, i have plenty of family, but you dont see me inviting them all do you? NO because it is not a freaking rehearsal dinner!!!!!! UUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so anyway, i told michael to just cancel the whole damn thing. if his parents want to go out to eat with their damn friends, they certainly dont need MY wedding as an excuse to do it. so i told michael it was totally up to him whether he chooses to have dinner with me or his parents the night before our wedding. i'm assuming he chose them. its frustrating for me, but, what can i do? i almost feel like the rest of my life is going to be this way. competing with his mother for him. and i'm not all that in to that scene.... part of me wants to bail. i mean, i'm already stuck with 100% of the expense for a wedding that i never wanted to have in the first place. if you ask me, he and his parents should be footing that damned bill. but, NNNNNOOOOOOO, i am paying for it all. i am shelling out SEVERAL thousand dollars towards a day in which i will be totally miserable and uncomfortable. all because he and his mother wanted a wedding...what the hell am i marrying in to? freaks...

so anyway, in other news...my son eats NO fruits. and NO veggies. wait, i take that back. he will eat the cherries and the pears out of canned fruit cocktail. and he does eat corn. anyway, i am obsessed with raisinets. i love em. guess who will eat them? yup, the non-fruit eating son. but, will he eat raisins? no however, that little bit of chocolate gives him the motivation to eat the raisins. lol. good parenting? perhaps not. but THANK YOU raisinets for keeping my kid regular. lol

anyway, back to the michael saga...yes, it is my life. he tells me this morning on the computer that JESSICA (we all remember her from may 03) called his mother yesterday asking all sorts of questions about when he'd be home etc. supposedly his mom told her that she wasnt sure when he was getting home but that he was getting married as soon as he did get home, and not to call the house again. why dont i believe that? especially not the "dont call us again" part. UGH i'll ask his dad. he seems to be the only one in that family who gives it to me straight. thank God for that one glimmer of sanity.

well, thats all the news and updates for today folks...

2004-03-01T13:56:00.000-05:00

ok, its been awhile...again...get over it. my weekend sucked! to start off, we'll need to do some back tracking. appx 2 weeks ago, michael's mother emailed him (and me) and told us that jimmy buffett was coming to town. i'm not a fan, but both michael and his dad are. anyway, michael asked me to go, i didnt want to (since its 2 days before the wedding) but it was a big deal to him so i agreed. so, he tells his folks to get 2 tickets for him. actually, he has me email his mom and tell her. so, she writes back and says something like "oh, YOU'RE goin? i thought he could just go with the guys, in lieu of a bachelor party or something". THEN, the next sentence was "of course, i'd like to go, since i've never been". she'd told me previously that their best friends (another couple) were going to be going, and also that michael's best friend would definitely be taking his fiance. so, lets get this straight...everyone is invited but me? anyway, michael said too bad for her, he wasnt going without me. so, fine, thats settled, right? ummmm, no. saturday, michael says for me to call his mom and make sure she got the tickets. which i do. at which time she says to me "well, we have a problem. i was only able to get 6 tickets, instead of 8, so i guess if YOU'RE gonna go, that means his brother wont get to go". oh drama. then they try to tell michael that they (his parents) will give up their tickets. which means that me, michael, his little brother (15) and his friend, and a couple his dad works with (in their 50's) are all going to a concert together. NO THANKS. i'm not babysitting at a buffett concert. anyway, i told michael, no way, i was not doing it, i was not going. so, i think the folks are mad. like i freaking care!!! two days after that concert, i will be her son's WIFE, and she thinks i shouldnt be included? ugh!!! anyway!!

on a lighter note, i went and paid half on one of the bridesmaids dresses today. (i really dont think she can swing it, and feel bad bc it is almost $200) and i paid for my new dress. the other one just isnt going to cut it for the ceremony we have planned. my mother and i are going tomorrow to look at headpieces to try and decide what i want to do...oh joy. i still have to pick out shoes, and decide on the headpiece, and try not to change my mind on flowers, etc etc etc. wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2004-02-20T22:52:00.000-05:00

wow hard to believe its been this long since i've blogged. i guess there's been so much going on that i havent found the time. so, lets see, as far as the wedding, dresses have been ordered, the cake has been picked out, as have the flowers. we're going to skip the ring bearer and flower girl, and i think my son is going to walk me down the aisle. he's excited about wearing a tux! there was some drama over the tuxes by the way! i guess m's brother didnt like the tux i picked out, so they worked pretty hard to get M to say he didnt like it, but in the end i won out. its about time i got to choose something in this darn wedding! :) had another planning session with the wedding place, things are going smoothly. bought my pen and guest book, and i have a neat idea to put everyone's picture (from that day) beside their "autograph". should be pretty cool i think. will let you know how that goes.
the kids are great, the baby grows so much every day i can hardly believe it! M gets to see her often on webcam, which makes him happy. she's a beauty. my son punched a kid at school today! busted his lip open. i have no idea why. he gave no reason. lovely huh?
we got a puppy. a cocker spaniel, very cute-very annoying. i am not much on housebreaking animals. i've heard that the best thing to do is crate train them, but he cries the whole time he is in the crate...even all night long. it is horrible. its only been 3 nights though, so i'm hoping he will learn soon!! that little brat craps everywhere!! its disgusting. i never knew one little puppy could hold so much poo! he doesnt go in the crate though, which is i guess how they are trained. maybe i should have waited until M got home to get the dog, but i figured i was safer getting a dog i liked, than waiting until he gets home and getting stuck with some nasty pointer or something!
dont you hate when you think you have SO much to say, and then, really, you have nothing? i just keep thinking, what have i done the last 3 weeks...nothing.
still having some doubts about michael's homecoming. the nearer it draws, the more anxious i get. only 6 weeks now. i heard a rumor that he may be home a couple of weeks early, but we all know how rumors are. i think they said around the 20th of march, but i'm not going to get my hopes up. the 10th of april is not that much farther. i'm nervous about seeing him. i know it sounds crazy. i was nervous when he came home on midtour and that worked out fine. the moment i saw him, it was all ok. but, now, we are getting married. its right around the corner. and that is what makes me the most nervous. the word husband carries some scary connotations for me. i dont know anyone with a good marriage. and the few people that i DO know that have a great marriage, is only because they've toughed it out for 30 years, and now have nothing left to fight about! i'm just scared that he's going to screw up. i know that i should trust him, and i do, but sometimes i wonder if all these strong emotions that he's having arent directly related to the situation he is in. what if he gets home and says "hey, i'm ready to party". i wont be able to deal with that. michael and i used to argue often because he said i gave too many ultimatums. i dont think i do. i simply present, up front, the things i will not put up with. the choice was always his to make. if those things were more important than me, well, then he was welcome to them. the main one being that i am not going to date a drunk. if you have to go out 2-3 nights a week and get trashed, then you are not the guy for me. how is that an ultimatum? i'm not telling him that he cant drink. i'm telling him that i cant be with an alcoholic. i see a distinct difference... so many times i told him "i cant deal with you anymore" so many times i begged him to just let me be. he always said i was being headstrong, and independent to a fault, and pushing him away. i dont see it that way. i didnt need him. i could do it on my own. so when did that change? when did i begin to NEED him-or anyone-in my life to feel complete? when did i change? was it just a part of growing up? or something more sinister? a dependence on a man to make my life whole? perhaps that is why even now, i dont always trust him. perhaps i desire to find him making mistakes as an excuse to push him away. there are always these thoughts in the back of my head that say he will screw up. and at least i will have been somewhat prepared. i will never be blindsided again. is that fair to him? maybe not. but, what if i am right? what if i throw caution to the wind, instill complete trust in him, and he screws up? then i'm left broken-hearted, and whats more, looking like a fool. at least if i keep walls up, i may be hurt, but never foolish. i will have expected it all along, so that the shock is not so extreme. but, living with walls, is it really living? how close can you really let someone get, if you're guarded? sometimes i dont think i give as much of myself as he does. sometimes i think i cant. that i'm not capable. and then i feel sorry for him. but then, the nagging voice in the back of my head reminds me of past lies that he's told, and the walls, are stronger than ever. it may take years of building trust (and intense therapy) to get over this. what if he's not willing to stick it out? what if he's not willing to be there, to put up with my array of shit while i deal with my issues on trust? is it fair for him to reap the consequences for past men? perhaps it is, since he has contributed to those issues. i dont know anymore. all i know is that i wont find out until he is home, and we have a concrete foundation on which to build. sometimes, i feel like i am marrying a stranger. and maybe i am. i'm sure he's changed in the last year, i know i have. but i do love him. and i do believe he loves me. is that enough to make it work?

2004-01-28T14:46:00.000-05:00

ok kids...its been a few days, i know i'm slack. i had a beautiful day saturday, weather was nice, but cold. went over to the neighboring town, and signed the contract with the place where we are going to hold the wedding. its going to be a brunch, at 10am, so dress will be fairly casual. you can see the dresses here that the bridesmaids are going to wear. (its the pink one). they picked them out themselves, hey what do i care, i dont even want to have this thing! :) michael and i have talked and he's agreed to the small reception. we're going to have a drop-in for his family (and maybe mine too?!?!) shortly after the wedding, for all those who were not able to attend. we are also going to have a combination engagement party/welcome home party, as soon as possible. i told M that he could have the alcohol there, but not at the wedding! ;) all in all, things are turning out nicely so far. i'm glad that i dont have much planning to do, and even though i feel that 60 guests are still WAY too many, i'm much too tired to argue about it. we're planning a trip to the mountains (talked M out of a full week) which i think will be fun. anyway, my trip was fun, did a little shopping, got a cool nine west red leather purse and some nine west sunglasses! woo hoo

anyway, for the last few days, we've had horrible weather. it started sunday, and then i missed 2 days of work. no snow, just a lot of freezing rain and some sleet i think. i lost my cable for about 24hrs but never lost electric or phone. we were very fortunate, bc some people will be out for up to a week! the weather is better today, and is supposed to continue to improve over the remainder of the week. yay being cooped up at home is NOT fun!

only a little more than 2 months until michael comes home!! i'm so excited sometimes i can hardly stand it, and then i think...gosh, wont it be different? what if we dont get along? we've gotten so used to being apart. having our own lives, being completely different people. i worry that it may be hard to adapt to life "together" again. especially since the first 4 months of our marriage will be spent in different states. (he has 4 mos left at his current duty station once he returns, and i am not moving for only 4 months). i think he'll be able to visit most weekends, but, it will stink havnig a weekend husband for 4 months! oh well, maybe it will be better for us in the long run, giving us more time to adjust. well, guess thats all for now, if anything exciting happens...maybe i'll write about it!

2004-01-23T21:58:00.000-05:00

i'm not done complaining in case anyone wanted to know. i was going to post some pics of the wedding site, but then i thought that removed a good bit of anonymity, doesnt it? so, i cant do that. anyway! michael has the link to this. i'm kinda scared he may read it. i mean, i really dont think he can see how selfish he's being. and i feel bad for talking about him, because i know he's far away, and he's just excited and everything, but damn. it just sucks that i dont count. i really thought my opinion was more important to him than that. his mom wants to have a "drop in" with all the relatives, shortly after the wedding. and he wants to have that big party/reception thing. and then there's the big wedding and reception. damn, how much do you have to celebrate one flipping wedding? i dont mind the family thing, i really dont, but its stupid to have a big wedding/reception, and then have another reception later. thats just DUMB. and everyone keeps talking about breaking out the booze. hello, can you celebrate SOBER? guess not. and now i am moody. and i dont even feel like blogging anymore. maybe i'll go think up some more ideas for my sucky wedding.

2004-01-23T21:46:00.000-05:00

well, i'm going to check out a wedding site tmw. THE wedding site. you know, for the wedding i dont want. now michael is being more stubborn than ever. now, not only does he want the wedding and the reception following, but he also wants a huge party for our friends. and he no longer wants the honeymoon we agreed on. he wants to go to the virgin islands. i hate the beach. i hate sand. i hate the ocean. i have a sun allergy. (seriously, ask my mom) so, lets see, now it gets to be the wedding he wants while i'm miserable, AND it gets to be the honeymoon he wants while i'm miserable. what a way to start a marriage huh? it feels like my opinion doesnt matter to him. like I dont matter to him. why is it that i'm always the one giving in? why am i the only one that can find the middle ground? i certainly hope this isnt indicative of the rest of our lives. cuz if so, this is going to be a short marriage. he tells me he's always had this picture of a perfect wedding. and he's not willing to compromise on that. well, i too have always had a picture of a perfect wedding. only our pictures were very different. so, he gets his, and i get screwed. and that is fair how?

2004-01-22T11:43:00.000-05:00

i realized i may need a littl introspection today. so i've decided to point out my major character flaws, for the whole world to read (along with a few good things)!

1. i'm very judgemental...cruelly so
2. i love my children to a fault
3. sometimes i wish i'd never had children
4. then i feel guilty about that thought
5. i procrastinate-i've had my lights and phone turned off in the last 6 months even though i had the money
6. i'm shy sometimes, and very outgoing sometimes
7. i'm terrified of the wedding i am planning
8. when i am comfortable, i thrive on being the center of attention
9. i smoke sometimes, quit sometimes, never been addicted...it is odd
10.i stole my first husband from his first wife and then lost him to a married woman
11.i hate my first husband-i never loved him, only the idea of being married
12.i hate that my receptionist never works, always talks on the phone, but i wont say anything to her
13.i'm not appreciated at work, and i get very angry about it
14.i love the color pink, though i'd never admit it
15.i'd hate to be accused of being girly
16.my mother and i have never gotten along, i feel she's fake
17.i write people off very easily, instead of forgiving them
18.that is how almost ALL of my relationships have ended (friends or romantically)
19.i'm cruel when i want to be, horribly so
20.i'm very self-involved
21.i think back and laugh at my teen years, when i thought 115lbs was fat
22.i wish i was 115lbs again
23.i say my prayers every night, and the first thing i say is to thank God for my kids
24.i'm terrified of eternity
25.i'm addicted to braingle.com
26.none of my close friends live in this state
27.the ones that do, i no longer speak to (see #17)
28.i miss them sometimes
29.i'm too stubborn to ever admit it
30.even though its been 9 months, i still miss michael so much it hurts
31.sometimes i worry that because he's so important to me, i'll lose him
32.my fiance is my best friend, and i hope, always will be
33.i like his mom much better than my own
34.i like his dad more than his mom-i dont know why
35.i feel bad admitting that
35.his grandmother drives me CRAZY
36.i feel bad admitting that too
37.i hate self-analysis
38.i hate insurance (which is where i work)
39.i used to party...A LOT
40.i love coutry music
41.i hate to cook
42.i hate to drive
43.i hate extreme temperatures, either hot or cold
44.i also hate to clean
45.my father died when i was 22-i never got to tell him i was married
46.we were not close-he was an alcoholic and i hated him for most of my life
47.i'm glad that i forgave him, and that we had a relationship when he died
48.sometimes i still cry when i think about it
49.i love steak, but rarely eat it
50.i have dinner w/my grandma every sunday
51.i get very depressed when i realize she may die soon (she's a little sick)
52.i adore hershey bars
53.i pretty much always eat junk
54.i love getting emails and surf all day at work
55.i get very mad when i have a customer
56.i love to ride horses
57.i'm addicted to my children, its scary, as i used to be the opposite
58.i hate my car...and my house
59.i pay my bills, but i'm also very frivolous
60.i have a small crush on a guy from another of our offices
61.i feel bad admitting that
62.i cant wait to be married
63.but i'm scared it will fail...again
64.my fiance and I have spent more time apart than together
65.i got pregnant with my daughter the first night we slept together (i think)
66.i met him in a bar, and i was extremely drunk
67.i love planning weddings, just not my own
68.i'd like to leave my job, but i'd feel guilty bc my boss has helped me out a lot
69.i love to type. odd isnt it?
70.i keep pausing in this list to check my email
71.i love taking pictures. so does my son
72.he has my personality just as clearly as if he were a "mini-me"
73.his attitude drives me MAD...he's rotten, but i dont punish him
74.i'm afraid that punishing my kids means someone can come take them
75.i get so involved in movies sometimes, that i feel like it happened to me afterwards
76.though i was young, i cried when reagan left office, and thought "what will happen to this country"
77.i marvel sometimes at how justified those tears were
78.i'm a die-hard republican...but i dont support bush generally speaking
79.i refuse to vote bc i dont like any candidate
80.my sister is beautiful, and i hate that about her
81.she's also very bitchy,and i love that about her
82.i love sex and the city, but i never watch it the night it comes on, i check it out later on HBO on demand
83.i didnt realize this list would be so long
84.i went to catholic school for awhile
85.i used to play the clarinet, but my mom didnt make the payments and they came to our house and took it. i think i've always resented her for that.
86.i always felt like i was the child who didnt matter to her
87.i always only wanted one child so that my son would never have to feel that way
88.i never knew it was possible to have so much love for 2 people, without exploding, until i had kids
89.i daydream...alot...i dont think it is healthy
90.i have actually met up with people that i met online in a chat room (they were all nice, we still talk)
91.i've never gotten along with my brother, even now i dont really like him, i have no idea why
92.at 25, i'm still waiting to feel like a grown-up
93.i've stolen money before
94.every day on my lunch break, i go visit my kids at daycare, and feel guilty if i cant
95.i once abandoned a cat when i moved from one house to another
96.i once punched my mother, which got me kicked out of the house
97.i did it defending my sister, but she didnt ever appreciate it
98.i've had my heart broken, more than once
99.i'm very self concious
100i'm sarcastic

2004-01-20T14:02:00.000-05:00

and the drama continues. no agreement is anywhere in site for the wedding plans. michael is so hard-headed. even when he pretends to agree w/me about the small wedding, he still insists on having 3 attendants, which means i need 3 attendants which means they will want to bring their families or whatever, which means MORE PEOPLE. so, really he's agreed to nothing at all, behind the pretense that he has. and i am not his friend! :)

2004-01-08T16:04:00.000-05:00

i have been a slacker. over the holidays, the baby and I had the flu. so i felt like dirt for two weeks. in the midst of being sick, we went out of state to meet the maternal side of michael's family. they were a nice bunch, but it was not what i would call a comfortable weekend. michael and i have been bickering about the wedding something fierce! it sucks. he just cant grasp why i dont want a big wedding. i told him if he wanted to see a replay of runaway bride, keep pushing! haha anyway, he finally told me to plan whatever i wanted, as long as i wanted him... (brat) now i feel guilty. damn! but, i really do think, once we do it my way, he will be glad and he will love it. and besides, i want to dump all the money into a really kick ass reception!! PAR-TAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now, i just have to think of a theme........

2003-12-15T13:29:00.000-05:00

my nerves can NOT take this. she drives me crazy. she talks nonstop. she never shuts up. she has been everywhere, seen everything, she knows everything, and everyone, she (or one of her immediate family) have had every disease known to man. she's from everyhwere, or she's lived everywhere, she's had every cell phone service, every regular phone service, every electric company service. she has dealt with every bank, and lending institution, and has been covered by every insurance company on the planet. and she just cant stop talking about it. my ears burn. my head hurts. and my nose even burns from the stench of her all too often cigarette breaks. my lungs ache from inhaling her way too powerful white trash perfume. and did i mention how she smacks her big mac's that she always brings back from her lunch break...i dont know why she couldnt eat in the hour she was gone.

anyway, yay for us, we caught saddam! how hilarious was he...he wants to negotiate? yeah, i guess he does when he's cornered like a rat in a hole the size of a coffin. FREAK. and i love the line "regards from president bush". that's too great! absolutely hilarious! i almost feel sorry for him. he had to be scared, tired, and hungry, down in that hole. but, then i remember, you dont have to feel sorry for sub-humans. and that helps me smile. lol

Ema is much better, no longer coughing. got an email from michael this morning, which is always nice. he said he was going to try to call me later. exciting. yeah, i'm weird...shutup. havent had time to blog lately, or to read anyone elses. i've actually been working while at work, and not surfing. haha

michael has agreed to the NC wedding, although i lost out on the mountain aspect. i think i'm doing more giving than receiving in this compromise...and here i always thought weddings were about the bride. oh well..........................

2003-12-10T12:46:00.000-05:00

nothing is going on...still. michael called this morning to check on the sick munchkin, but i dont remember much of what he said...i hate that. i barely talk to him when he calls that early, but i told him that i'd rather him call then that call me at work. which i would for the most part. except i'd like to be able to remember what we talk about. ugh! of course i dont think we talked about much, because i was so tired. he says he's been having trouble sleeping...worried about the bambino. poor thing...i told him she'd be ok, but i'm not so sure. she can barely breathe, its horrible! poor kid.

anyway, i've been trying to decide on a cake for connor's "cat in the hat" birthday theme. i found one, but it looks a little complicated, and, well, i dont DO complicated. anyway, i'll probably make it anyway, because i'm obsessed with my son's birthday cakes, after i forgot his first one, and burnt his second one...since then, they have been perfect. and it will be perfect this year. as soon as i figure out how...

i want a new cell phone. i have a friend that works for alltel (who i have my service through). i also have another friend who just went with a new carrier, and therefore got a new phone. his other phone is the type that i want. so, i thought i'd just buy his. BUT, can i get my service switched over to that phone? i dont know, so i've called the friend at alltel to find out. would be much better than buying the phone from the company, which is mega bucks! i really dont need a new phone at all. i just want one, because i've had this one for 2 years. and who keeps the same phone for 2 years? it just isnt fair! and i paid $200 when i got it...and that was at half price. so, its a really nice phone. and i have 3 batteries for it. but, its old, i've had to have the antenna replaced already (13 bucks) and now it needs a new charging mechanism...and really, i need a new car charger for it, mine has had it. and this one is SO cool. and i deserve a new phone dammit, stop looking at me like that!

i have a headache. and i havent heard from ron since thanksgiving. he was going to get snipped. his wife is preggo and he doesnt believe it is his. poor guy. i dont know why he hasnt written me...shithead. we had a little pissing contest, but i've talked to him since then, so i assumed he was over it. perhaps not. who cares anyway?! not me!

2003-12-05T12:30:00.000-05:00

ok, i'm going on a little tyrade here, so buckle up, and keep your hands in the car at all times. thanks for riding with us.

WEDDINGS

WHY do they have to be public? why does a public spectacle have to be made of what is supposed to be a private, intimate moment between two people? why does my personal commitment to love, honor, and cherish one person for the rest of my life have to be made in front of 500 of our closest family and friends? i mean, the huge reception i can totally understand. the big party after the fact is completely valid. but, the ceremony, the actual vows, shouldnt that be a private, shared moment? isnt it sort of like having sex in front of an audience? well, ok, so you have clothes on, but its definitely emotional sex. its just a very personal, private, emotional experience that i dont think the whole world should be privy to. i think the entire experience is cheapened somehow, when it becomes an extravaganza. The true reason we are doing this, the feelings, the emotion, the commitment behind the wedding, are lost in the pandemonium of the event. with all the planning, the flowers, the dresses, the music, the attendants and the general commotion, the "marriage" gets lost in the "wedding". its a little scary. when you make a commitment to someone, when you look that person in the eye and say "i am going to spend the rest of my life with you, for better or worse" that should be between you and that person. not you, that person, and everyone that you've ever met in your entire lives. it almost makes me want to run screaming in the opposite direction. i want to be married, but i dont want a wedding. the huge reception, with the entire town, and the big cake, and the fancy clothes, and the flowers, and the food, and the dancing, thats FINE. thats great. but, the actual commitment is only between the two of us, so shouldnt the vows be as well?

2003-12-02T13:32:00.000-05:00

my life is a den of tedium. there is literally NOTHING going on. i guess i can blab about my holiday...woo hoo. i got up early thursday morning, and went shopping! got the cutest pair of camel boots. anyway!!! went out to mom's lakehouse and had lunch, and goofed around there for a little while. missed a call from michael, there's no reception out there. i dont know WHY! i can dial out, but it doesnt ring. anyway, after that i came back to town, and went to michael's family function, and met the crew there. high-stress i tell ya! stayed there for a couple of hours, and then went to my grandma's family function for dinner. man was i tired by the time i got home!!! friday, i dont think we left the house all day, but i really dont remember, and i dont feel like thinking about it. i'm pretty sure i sat there and looked for wedding music. and dresses, and flowers, and tuxes, and candles, etc etc etc. and then, today, i decided we can elope. lol well, not exactly. i want to go into the mountains to this old plantation type house built in 1812, they host weddings there. i want to have maybe 10-15 guests. admittedly, i enjoy being the center of attention, but, only in comfortable surroundings. and i'm not comfortable in front of 300 people. we can still have the big reception back home. that wont be bad! michael's mom likes the idea...now if we can just work on michael. he called me yesterday morning at 5am. i really dont remember the conversation, i was sleeping.

the baby is sick. very sick. she can barely breathe, she has a temp, she's congested etc. she's going to the dr today. poor little thing. they better do something. i didnt work yesterday because i kept her home.

and thats been my life....MARCI! (hehehe)

2003-11-24T14:10:00.000-05:00

have you ever noticed how sick the world can be? i know that sounds cruel, but its true. do you really think that we, as americans, would have violently beaten the dead bodies of any two human beings, even those we considered enemies? probably. i'm sure we'd all like to believe that we're above that, but are we really? i know that I personally, would never look at a dead body as an "enemy" but as someone's child, someone's husband, someone's father. but, i think i'm in the minority in the world. i mean, how horrible is it to pummel (with concrete blocks no less) the already dead body that is someone's son? its sad, and its sick. where the hell was the REST of that convoy, that they allowed this to happen? now, i know, these men were dead, and did not feel the beating they were subjected to. but is that really the point? obviously, that is not why it was done. its was cruel, and it was evil, and in my opinion, every one of those snot-nosed teenagers should be buried in sand up to their necks, and stoned to death. then they can know how it feels to be beaten with concrete blocks. but they wont be. because the US will recognize them as "children". kids with moms, dads, friends, brothers and sisters. and will deem them undeserving of the fate they so willingly passed on to another.

2003-11-21T11:10:00.000-05:00

nothing has happened in my life in two days. isnt that scary?

2003-11-19T10:56:00.000-05:00

well, its a good thing i waited to confront becky. how is it that things can seem SO clear, it can appear that there is NO other explanation for something, yet there is. and once we hear that explanation it makes perfect sense. far more sense than what we originally suspected even! ok, hears what happened. you'll have to read back to find out who T is...basically she is michael's boss' wife. so, when i found the becky email, i wrote T asking her to see what she could find out. then, i waited for 2 very tense days to hear from her. last night, i did. she talked to her husband. and he knows this girl. she is over there with them right now. i panicked. until i read on... michael has a buddy named Z. now, this guy is not my favorite person, a little on the wild side, young, very immature, and known to hang out with some bad gals. anyway, apparently, he used to date becky. becky, according to michael's boss, is t-r-a-s-h. she and Z had a bad break-up. so Sgt B (the boss) said it is highly likely that michael was talking about the girl, because he never liked any of the trashy women that Z hung out with. then he told T to assure me that he'd been keeping an eye on michael, and that he's done nothing but talk about, and worry about me and the kids the whole time he's been over there. ***sigh***

well, then michael calls this morning. i quickly tell him that he has a very nasty email sitting in his inbox, and warn him not to read it. he says ok. then i explain to him what it is about, and tell him that i've found out who becky is. he still doesnt know "which one" of Z's girls she was. but, said if it was the one he was thinking of, she was "nasty". then he said, he'd only met her twice, and hasnt said anything about her. so, either she was just trying to get attention with the email (my theory) or she heard Z was talking about her, confronted him, and he blamed michael to get her off of his back. (michael's theory). Z is on leave right now, but he will talk to him when he gets back and find out for sure if that is the right girl, and why she is writing him.

why, oh why, cant i just keep my nose in my own darn email??????????????

2003-11-18T11:20:00.000-05:00

still no word from michael. i dont even know if he's checked his email. his mother said that he called his father yesterday, but he didnt call me. not a big deal, it was his dad's birthday, so i understand the phone call. but, if he was there with the phone in his hand why the heck didnt he call me? butthead. anyway, i dont know why i logged on here like i had something to say, bc i sure dont feel like talking about it. by the way, i havent heard from back from becky. my paranoid sense of logic tells me that he's talked to her, told her not to say anything to me, she would have then told him about the emails, which he would have figured out was me, and not himself (of course). great. if thats the case, then he knows that i dont know a damn thing. ick! i really dont want to talk about it now...

2003-11-17T13:14:00.000-05:00

well, i emailed ron (you'll remember him from the "soulmate" discussion) to get some advice. i told him to tell me to stop being paranoid, and not to assume the worst, and to trust the boy. this was his reply. "don't ever trust anyone as much as you do me....you may come close, but not as much. :) yes...be paranoid...be very paranoid" now, i know where he's coming from with this... i do trust him more than anyone else. because i know that no matter what i tell him, he'd never repeat it. and i trust guys more than girls anyway. because they dont gossip, and they dont meddle. they dont stick their nose in where it doesnt belong, and hey-they aint gonna sleep with your man! lol its so hard to explain my relationship with him. he always knows exactly what advice to give me, because he KNOWS me that well. now, occasionally there is the problem with him only hearing my side of the story. but, so often, he'll say, ok that is your side, now lets look at it from his side. haha i havent fully told him about the becky incident, because i'm not sure how i feel about it yet, and i dont want him to have a low opinion of michael, in case this turns out to be nothing. i wanted reassurance that the rest of the people in my life (especially those i want to marry) deserved the same trust and respect that i so freely give to ron. that reassurance, i did not get. but, can we ever trust a lover the way we trust a friend? i mean, for the time that ron and i dated, i didnt trust that turkey. i called him every day, "where are you, who are you with, what are you doing". but, the luxury of friendship, is that you dont need to know those things. whoever, or whatever he's doing, doesnt concern me, as long as it doesnt adversely affect our friendship. and it never has. and he's having problems of his own (crazy wife) and it isnt fair to burden him with my problems and expect him to fix them. but i always have, and he always does. in turn, i have always given him advice about his loco wife. so, maybe its not selfish to go crying to him? anyway, his advice not to trust, has left me slightly concerned about my future with michael.

2003-11-17T11:26:00.000-05:00

could i please have had a worst weekend?!?! because i really dont think it sucked enough. hell, i didnt get arrested or struck by lightning or anything! and those would have DEFINITELY been worse. slightly... i guess the weekend started out alright. connor went to his dads and i spent a quiet night at home with ema. then saturday, i got up, took a shower, and dressed, bathed ema, and dressed her in an adorable pink outfit with a huge flower on the front. she's SO cute. and she was in a terrific mood. so i took several pictures. (the faint of heart need not read on). well, miss ema decided to take a huge crap...it ran out of her diaper and ALL over her! so, i had to strip her down, wash her down, and re-dress her. well, that was not overly tragic, i suppose. except that i was sleepy and tired because a friend of mine, dee, was surfing the net, and michael logged on, so she goes blabbing to him about how pissed off i am at him about the whole password thing. so...........even though its ONE THIRTY in the morning, he tells her to call me and tell me to get online so he can talk to me about it. lovely well, i was tired, and irritable, and didnt feel like discussing it, so i refused to talk about it, and even denied being mad. he's such a little fibber though, even then he was lying! stinking brat. well, saturday ema spent the night off, and i went out with some friends. NOT fun. i was in a bar, they played crappy music, there werent many people that i knew, and i was tired from my lack of sleep the night before. anyway, i was there until almost 2 in the morning. finally, i took my friend home (yes it was a chic...dont get suspicious) and i went home, going to bed sometime after 2. well, bright and early at 9am michael calls. the conversation went something like this.

M:good morning honey, happy anniversary
C:hey you, thanks!
M:whatcha doin?
C:sleepin
M:still sleepin? musta stayed out too late last night
C:probably
M:(incredulously) what?
C:you're probably right, i was out too late
M:you went OUT last night?
C:yes, why?
M:where was ema
C:she spent the night with my aunt
M:WHY
C:bc they wanted to take her to church this morning, and i wanted to go out
M:is she still there?
C:yes, you woke me up remember?
M:how long are you planning on leaving her there?
C:until i wake up and go get her
M:who did you go out with?
C:D**** and S***** why?
M:where did y'all go?
C:the bar where their husbands work/
M:did you drink?
C:yes dear, but dont worry, i had one for you also.
M:(laffs) gee thanks
M:dont make a habit of this...
C:what do you mean
M:going out all the time
C:it was ONE night
M:you know what i meant, dont make it a habit
C:oh, like you used to?
M:USED to, dont anymore
C:hard to go out in iraq isnt it?
M:i didnt do it when i came home did i?
C:well, we shall see how long that lasts.
M:it will
C:we'll see...now can we change the subject

the conversation went pretty well after that, he told me he was going to try to send me flowers, but nowhere was open on sunday. i told him not to worry about it, it was ruined now since he'd told me anyway. he said he was sorry. no big deal. well, then i figure i may as well get out of the bed, right? so, i pull my sneaky snake routine, and check his alternate email address. guess whats there? an email from becky... it went a little something like this. "I don't know what ur problem is, but I've been hearin you're spreadin my name in a very bad way...WTF? I'd say we have to talk, but u've already made ur mind up, and u don't even see the truth...whatever. " and that is a direct quote. so, what did she mean? i dont know, but i wrote her back and asked! then i emailed T and asked her to do some digging on this girls name (she had an army email address) and see what she could find out about her. i havent heard back yet. i also emailed michael, and told him that i'd talked with becky, and that he better fess up. i wonder if he'll tell me the truth? ya never can tell. so, for the past 26 hours, i've been nauseous, paranoid, and generally unconsolable. picking up connor helped, and it also helped that he wanted KFC for dinner, so i didnt have to cook. but, my feelings are still awfully hurt! i just hope he can tell me the truth. thats the only chance we have right now...

2003-11-14T10:36:00.000-05:00

Leaving the Past Behind...Is It Possible?

sometimes i wonder, if everything will ever be OK again. there are the days when i dont think about the past. the days when i dont wonder about the lies he told me, the days when they dont hurt. and then, there are days like today. days when i wonder if he and i will ever be truly happy. i need closure on the things that happened, the lies that were told. the deceit, the pain, the covering of tracks, the missed phone calls, the nights out with the "boys". i dwell on them all. and they prevent me from moving forward. so, i go to michael for comfort. i beg him to tell me the truth. i wont get mad, knowing that he did it, cant hurt anymore than thinking that he did anyway. at least this way, i'll know that he's being honest, and i can move on, believing that he's trying to be straight with me on all counts. but as long as he continues to deny, and HIDE, what i know in my heart to be true, i can never believe that he's a changed person. never believe that he is being 100% honest with me. and then he does something, like change his email password, that makes me think "whats he got to hide now". and maybe there's nothing there. but why else would he change it? he still denies SO many things. things that i believe in my heart happened. things that other people have witnessed. he claims that they are all lying. are they? or is he? and part of me thinks, just believe him. but the rational part of me says, "he's lying to you over and over and over". every day that he lets me live with a rationale that he knows is non-existent, he's lying to me again. so, if i cant let it go, without the truth, and he's unwilling to tell the truth...where do we go from here?