waiting on michael

2004-06-10T11:18:00.000-04:00

we've moved! :)

we're no longer waiting on Michael, now we're just confused and stumbling our way through life. the new blog is located at http://feminineenigma.blogspot.com/

2004-04-01T11:05:00.000-05:00

on saturday march 27th Michael came home. what a relief. he's already dealt with his mother, i think she'll be easier to handle now! haha anyway, since this blog is titled "waiting on michael" and i'm no longer waiting on him, i guess things end here. i've gone back and read my archives, and it amazes me how many feelings and emotions that i'd never have remembered if it hadnt been for this blog. its also amazing how much i have changed, and how much M and I have changed as a couple. mostly, for the good, which is a relief. the wedding is exactly one month away, so this will be a very busy month for us. luckily, i think we've made it through the hardest part......what a year!!

2004-03-18T11:40:00.000-05:00

What is Love?

I guess everyone has different opinions of what love is, and what its meant to be. But, do any of us really know? I asked my 5-year-old son what love was. his answer was "its when you want to be with someone forever, but you cant". a little cynical for 5, dont you think? i was curious, so i asked him why we couldnt be with someone forever. and he said its because you just cant. no one gets to be with who they want to be forever. has my cynicism rubbed off on him? has he been affected by more than i thought, over the years? have i not hidden my pain from him, they way i thought i did? and is he right? is that love? just wanting to be with someone forever? and can we really? so, what happens when we no longer want to spend the rest of our life with someone? does that mean we dont love them anymore?

i think love is sacrifice. i think love is caring more about someone else than you do about yourself. i think love is giving more than you take, and never regretting that. but, maybe love is different for everyone. i also think that love is a choice, one that we make every day. i dont think you fall in love, i think you decide to love. so, the one who says "i wasnt ready when we were together" really just means, "i decided not to love you". so, if we can decide to love, cant we also decide NOT to love?

but what about the one who says "i didnt know what love was". maybe they did love, but didnt recognize it as that. isnt that possible? maybe they met all the criteria for love, but, somehow had expected it to be something more, or something different than what it was. then, once that person was gone, the loss they felt made then go, "wow, is this what love feels like?" i think its possible. sadly, its almost always too late.

so, how important is love? i think thats the big question. is it more important than commitment, honor, duty, justice? or is it just meant to compliment those things? i've always wondered about the saying "if you cant be with the one you love, then love the one you're with". are you honor-bound to love the one that you're with, and release your heart from the one that got away? or is love more important, and should you seek out the one you love at all cost?

is it possible to love two people? i certainly dont see why not. and this, is where all the other attributes come in. honor, committment, honesty. if you love two people, how do you choose? do you follow your heart, or your head? do you do what feels good, or what you know to be right? do you sacrifice your own feelings to spare anothers? or, can you make a decision to only love one person, and then decide every day, not to let the past love affect your future?

so, my final decision is this: love, like any other emotion, is only a hindrance in the decisions that we must make daily, for the benefit of ourselves and those around us.

2004-03-18T11:11:00.000-05:00

something's happening with michael. i dont know as much as i'd like to, and i cant share what i know. all i know is that he is probably in danger, and i wont hear from him for awhile. so, i try not to think about it, and i certainly dont want to talk about it.

2004-03-11T14:46:00.000-05:00

i am grouchy, grouchy, grouchy! monday night, i t/w M's dad, and i thought we had the rehearsal dinner thing all settled. it was a plan i could live with. a group of 20-25 out on the lake, grilling out. there's a covered shelter etc. sounded fun... then, SHE got involved. she is the devil. SHE decided that she wanted to have it elsewhere....can you guess where? yup! remember the friends that i didnt even really want to invite? well, now she wants to have it at their house. crap! i know she could tell by the tone in my voice that i wasnt thrilled at that idea. but, did she care? oh no. anyway, that happened on tuesday evening. so, i calmly sent M and email telling him that i didnt want to do that. so, i suggested either we have 2 seperate dinners (my family one place, his another) or have no dinner at all. basically, i am refusing to go to this woman's house. i dont like her, she makes me very uncomfortable, etc. anyway, he answers my email, but doesnt address the dinner. so, wednesday morning when we are talking online again, i bring it up. he avoids. i bring it up again. he tells me that we will discuss it when he gets home. unacceptable. when he gets home will be too late to back out. and i am not being coerced into this. so i got mad. i fired off at him. it turned into a huge, wedding-cancelled fight. i hurt his feelings. he said he was "in shock". and that he didnt even know what to say to me. that he felt everything he'd done in the last year, all the changes, were for nothing. i felt bad...but only a little. after all, i only wanted him to make one tiny decision. anyway, he finally decides no dinner... whatever, i dont care. so he asks if we are ok? i said i guess. he asks if the wedding is back on, i say i guess. he says "guess?". i told him to take his victories however he gets them. he asked what that was supposed to mean. it means, i'm not happy. it means i dont want a big wedding. it means this whole thing sucks. but...i'm doing it. for him. so, the least he can do is BACK OFF a little bit. then, he "informs" me that he's just found out he has to caravan across iraq. through some major hotspots before coming home. basically, he's going to be in some pretty serious danger. i dont know whether or not to believe him. why? because before he shipped out, every single time we got into a fight, he'd call me with some BS line like "i just found out i'm shipping out to iraq tomorrow, and i will probably die...i hope you're happy that you're not speaking to me...see ya". used to make me SO mad. and, of course, every time, it was a lie. very annoying! but, there's always the tiny chance that he's telling the truth. its like emotional blackmail. very annoying!! anyway, i guess we got off on ok terms, and i didnt hear from him today. what really pisses me off about that, is i KNOW he got my email, he just didnt answer. and he wasnt online this morning. juvenile. and then there's the itty bitty part of me that thinks "what if he's hurt, what if he's dead". and i know he's not, bc i'd have heard...or would i? i hate the constant doubts. anyway!! on to lighter subjects
i bought wedding invitations today. i have a friend that works at a printing company...so my grand total for wedding invitations?! $22. nice huh? they arent my favorite style, but hey who cares, they're $22!! lol
marci hasnt been around today. i'm thinking maybe she's not at work today. she may be doing something with the kids, since they are oin spring break. which means i have no one to talk to!
ok, now back to M's mom. i emailed her and told her no dinner. she said she understood, but her FRIEND would be "greatly disappointed". gee, like i freaking care! what about me? i'm disappointed. it's MY wedding, and i cant have a rehearsal dinner, bc they are ridiculous. it sucks. she's manipulative and controlling. basically, i wrote her back and told her friend would get over it. then i said that i was going out to eat w/my family and my attendants, and suggested they do the same...maybe she'd take the hint what the problem was. she didnt, she just wrote back and called me a party pooper. whatever lady!!
at marci's suggestion, i called a girlfriend last night and asked her if she wanted to go out for a little while. she'd had a crappy two days at work, so she said absolutely. lol we went out for about 2 hours to a local pub...well, ok i dont know what else to call it. its more like a bar, but its pretty small, and they do have food. but, its mainly a bar. anyway, it wasnt very crowded, so we stayed for a few hours had a couple of drinks (me one, her two) and bitched about our crappy week thus far! lol it was nice, though, to blow off some steam, and i felt better afterwards.
all i know, is that i will be SO glad when may 1st is over!!

2004-03-08T08:56:00.000-05:00

drama, drama, drama. it seems to be the story of my life. every time i think his mother and i are beginning to get along, she does something (IMHO) to undermine me, and my relationship with michael. its enough to make ya scream. we all know about the "ticket" incident. well, here's the latest. michael's parents decided to forego the rehearsal dinner. so MY mother offered to get the wedding party, and the parents (only) together the night before the wedding, so that M and I will be able to give out our gifts. michael's mother then decides to invite people... does this make sense? i mean, she doesnt want to throw the dinner, but she's perfectly willing to invite people? none of MY family is coming. none of MY friends are invited. so, why is it that she should be allowed to invite HER friends? and thats just it, they are friends. not even family. which makes it all the more annoying. if it were a "rehearsal" dinner, i'd have no problem with it. but we were just supposed to be getting the parents together, and of course the wedding party since some of them will be from out of town, and its only polite to feed them...;) lol i just felt that it was EXTREMELY rude of her to invite people, especially when i made it quite clear who was invited. and even if she WAS paying, since when did MY wedding become all about HER?? very frustrating! so anyway, i said no to the friends being invited. very nicely i might add. so, what does SHE do? she goes online and whines to michael about it. so then michael jumps down my throat. he wants them there, blah blah. they are like family to him, blah blah. SO WHAT i have plenty of friends that are "like family". hell, i have plenty of family, but you dont see me inviting them all do you? NO because it is not a freaking rehearsal dinner!!!!!! UUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so anyway, i told michael to just cancel the whole damn thing. if his parents want to go out to eat with their damn friends, they certainly dont need MY wedding as an excuse to do it. so i told michael it was totally up to him whether he chooses to have dinner with me or his parents the night before our wedding. i'm assuming he chose them. its frustrating for me, but, what can i do? i almost feel like the rest of my life is going to be this way. competing with his mother for him. and i'm not all that in to that scene.... part of me wants to bail. i mean, i'm already stuck with 100% of the expense for a wedding that i never wanted to have in the first place. if you ask me, he and his parents should be footing that damned bill. but, NNNNNOOOOOOO, i am paying for it all. i am shelling out SEVERAL thousand dollars towards a day in which i will be totally miserable and uncomfortable. all because he and his mother wanted a wedding...what the hell am i marrying in to? freaks...

so anyway, in other news...my son eats NO fruits. and NO veggies. wait, i take that back. he will eat the cherries and the pears out of canned fruit cocktail. and he does eat corn. anyway, i am obsessed with raisinets. i love em. guess who will eat them? yup, the non-fruit eating son. but, will he eat raisins? no however, that little bit of chocolate gives him the motivation to eat the raisins. lol. good parenting? perhaps not. but THANK YOU raisinets for keeping my kid regular. lol

anyway, back to the michael saga...yes, it is my life. he tells me this morning on the computer that JESSICA (we all remember her from may 03) called his mother yesterday asking all sorts of questions about when he'd be home etc. supposedly his mom told her that she wasnt sure when he was getting home but that he was getting married as soon as he did get home, and not to call the house again. why dont i believe that? especially not the "dont call us again" part. UGH i'll ask his dad. he seems to be the only one in that family who gives it to me straight. thank God for that one glimmer of sanity.

well, thats all the news and updates for today folks...

2004-03-01T13:56:00.000-05:00

ok, its been awhile...again...get over it. my weekend sucked! to start off, we'll need to do some back tracking. appx 2 weeks ago, michael's mother emailed him (and me) and told us that jimmy buffett was coming to town. i'm not a fan, but both michael and his dad are. anyway, michael asked me to go, i didnt want to (since its 2 days before the wedding) but it was a big deal to him so i agreed. so, he tells his folks to get 2 tickets for him. actually, he has me email his mom and tell her. so, she writes back and says something like "oh, YOU'RE goin? i thought he could just go with the guys, in lieu of a bachelor party or something". THEN, the next sentence was "of course, i'd like to go, since i've never been". she'd told me previously that their best friends (another couple) were going to be going, and also that michael's best friend would definitely be taking his fiance. so, lets get this straight...everyone is invited but me? anyway, michael said too bad for her, he wasnt going without me. so, fine, thats settled, right? ummmm, no. saturday, michael says for me to call his mom and make sure she got the tickets. which i do. at which time she says to me "well, we have a problem. i was only able to get 6 tickets, instead of 8, so i guess if YOU'RE gonna go, that means his brother wont get to go". oh drama. then they try to tell michael that they (his parents) will give up their tickets. which means that me, michael, his little brother (15) and his friend, and a couple his dad works with (in their 50's) are all going to a concert together. NO THANKS. i'm not babysitting at a buffett concert. anyway, i told michael, no way, i was not doing it, i was not going. so, i think the folks are mad. like i freaking care!!! two days after that concert, i will be her son's WIFE, and she thinks i shouldnt be included? ugh!!! anyway!!

on a lighter note, i went and paid half on one of the bridesmaids dresses today. (i really dont think she can swing it, and feel bad bc it is almost $200) and i paid for my new dress. the other one just isnt going to cut it for the ceremony we have planned. my mother and i are going tomorrow to look at headpieces to try and decide what i want to do...oh joy. i still have to pick out shoes, and decide on the headpiece, and try not to change my mind on flowers, etc etc etc. wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2004-02-20T22:52:00.000-05:00

wow hard to believe its been this long since i've blogged. i guess there's been so much going on that i havent found the time. so, lets see, as far as the wedding, dresses have been ordered, the cake has been picked out, as have the flowers. we're going to skip the ring bearer and flower girl, and i think my son is going to walk me down the aisle. he's excited about wearing a tux! there was some drama over the tuxes by the way! i guess m's brother didnt like the tux i picked out, so they worked pretty hard to get M to say he didnt like it, but in the end i won out. its about time i got to choose something in this darn wedding! :) had another planning session with the wedding place, things are going smoothly. bought my pen and guest book, and i have a neat idea to put everyone's picture (from that day) beside their "autograph". should be pretty cool i think. will let you know how that goes.
the kids are great, the baby grows so much every day i can hardly believe it! M gets to see her often on webcam, which makes him happy. she's a beauty. my son punched a kid at school today! busted his lip open. i have no idea why. he gave no reason. lovely huh?
we got a puppy. a cocker spaniel, very cute-very annoying. i am not much on housebreaking animals. i've heard that the best thing to do is crate train them, but he cries the whole time he is in the crate...even all night long. it is horrible. its only been 3 nights though, so i'm hoping he will learn soon!! that little brat craps everywhere!! its disgusting. i never knew one little puppy could hold so much poo! he doesnt go in the crate though, which is i guess how they are trained. maybe i should have waited until M got home to get the dog, but i figured i was safer getting a dog i liked, than waiting until he gets home and getting stuck with some nasty pointer or something!
dont you hate when you think you have SO much to say, and then, really, you have nothing? i just keep thinking, what have i done the last 3 weeks...nothing.
still having some doubts about michael's homecoming. the nearer it draws, the more anxious i get. only 6 weeks now. i heard a rumor that he may be home a couple of weeks early, but we all know how rumors are. i think they said around the 20th of march, but i'm not going to get my hopes up. the 10th of april is not that much farther. i'm nervous about seeing him. i know it sounds crazy. i was nervous when he came home on midtour and that worked out fine. the moment i saw him, it was all ok. but, now, we are getting married. its right around the corner. and that is what makes me the most nervous. the word husband carries some scary connotations for me. i dont know anyone with a good marriage. and the few people that i DO know that have a great marriage, is only because they've toughed it out for 30 years, and now have nothing left to fight about! i'm just scared that he's going to screw up. i know that i should trust him, and i do, but sometimes i wonder if all these strong emotions that he's having arent directly related to the situation he is in. what if he gets home and says "hey, i'm ready to party". i wont be able to deal with that. michael and i used to argue often because he said i gave too many ultimatums. i dont think i do. i simply present, up front, the things i will not put up with. the choice was always his to make. if those things were more important than me, well, then he was welcome to them. the main one being that i am not going to date a drunk. if you have to go out 2-3 nights a week and get trashed, then you are not the guy for me. how is that an ultimatum? i'm not telling him that he cant drink. i'm telling him that i cant be with an alcoholic. i see a distinct difference... so many times i told him "i cant deal with you anymore" so many times i begged him to just let me be. he always said i was being headstrong, and independent to a fault, and pushing him away. i dont see it that way. i didnt need him. i could do it on my own. so when did that change? when did i begin to NEED him-or anyone-in my life to feel complete? when did i change? was it just a part of growing up? or something more sinister? a dependence on a man to make my life whole? perhaps that is why even now, i dont always trust him. perhaps i desire to find him making mistakes as an excuse to push him away. there are always these thoughts in the back of my head that say he will screw up. and at least i will have been somewhat prepared. i will never be blindsided again. is that fair to him? maybe not. but, what if i am right? what if i throw caution to the wind, instill complete trust in him, and he screws up? then i'm left broken-hearted, and whats more, looking like a fool. at least if i keep walls up, i may be hurt, but never foolish. i will have expected it all along, so that the shock is not so extreme. but, living with walls, is it really living? how close can you really let someone get, if you're guarded? sometimes i dont think i give as much of myself as he does. sometimes i think i cant. that i'm not capable. and then i feel sorry for him. but then, the nagging voice in the back of my head reminds me of past lies that he's told, and the walls, are stronger than ever. it may take years of building trust (and intense therapy) to get over this. what if he's not willing to stick it out? what if he's not willing to be there, to put up with my array of shit while i deal with my issues on trust? is it fair for him to reap the consequences for past men? perhaps it is, since he has contributed to those issues. i dont know anymore. all i know is that i wont find out until he is home, and we have a concrete foundation on which to build. sometimes, i feel like i am marrying a stranger. and maybe i am. i'm sure he's changed in the last year, i know i have. but i do love him. and i do believe he loves me. is that enough to make it work?

2004-01-28T14:46:00.000-05:00

ok kids...its been a few days, i know i'm slack. i had a beautiful day saturday, weather was nice, but cold. went over to the neighboring town, and signed the contract with the place where we are going to hold the wedding. its going to be a brunch, at 10am, so dress will be fairly casual. you can see the dresses here that the bridesmaids are going to wear. (its the pink one). they picked them out themselves, hey what do i care, i dont even want to have this thing! :) michael and i have talked and he's agreed to the small reception. we're going to have a drop-in for his family (and maybe mine too?!?!) shortly after the wedding, for all those who were not able to attend. we are also going to have a combination engagement party/welcome home party, as soon as possible. i told M that he could have the alcohol there, but not at the wedding! ;) all in all, things are turning out nicely so far. i'm glad that i dont have much planning to do, and even though i feel that 60 guests are still WAY too many, i'm much too tired to argue about it. we're planning a trip to the mountains (talked M out of a full week) which i think will be fun. anyway, my trip was fun, did a little shopping, got a cool nine west red leather purse and some nine west sunglasses! woo hoo

anyway, for the last few days, we've had horrible weather. it started sunday, and then i missed 2 days of work. no snow, just a lot of freezing rain and some sleet i think. i lost my cable for about 24hrs but never lost electric or phone. we were very fortunate, bc some people will be out for up to a week! the weather is better today, and is supposed to continue to improve over the remainder of the week. yay being cooped up at home is NOT fun!

only a little more than 2 months until michael comes home!! i'm so excited sometimes i can hardly stand it, and then i think...gosh, wont it be different? what if we dont get along? we've gotten so used to being apart. having our own lives, being completely different people. i worry that it may be hard to adapt to life "together" again. especially since the first 4 months of our marriage will be spent in different states. (he has 4 mos left at his current duty station once he returns, and i am not moving for only 4 months). i think he'll be able to visit most weekends, but, it will stink havnig a weekend husband for 4 months! oh well, maybe it will be better for us in the long run, giving us more time to adjust. well, guess thats all for now, if anything exciting happens...maybe i'll write about it!

2004-01-23T21:58:00.000-05:00

i'm not done complaining in case anyone wanted to know. i was going to post some pics of the wedding site, but then i thought that removed a good bit of anonymity, doesnt it? so, i cant do that. anyway! michael has the link to this. i'm kinda scared he may read it. i mean, i really dont think he can see how selfish he's being. and i feel bad for talking about him, because i know he's far away, and he's just excited and everything, but damn. it just sucks that i dont count. i really thought my opinion was more important to him than that. his mom wants to have a "drop in" with all the relatives, shortly after the wedding. and he wants to have that big party/reception thing. and then there's the big wedding and reception. damn, how much do you have to celebrate one flipping wedding? i dont mind the family thing, i really dont, but its stupid to have a big wedding/reception, and then have another reception later. thats just DUMB. and everyone keeps talking about breaking out the booze. hello, can you celebrate SOBER? guess not. and now i am moody. and i dont even feel like blogging anymore. maybe i'll go think up some more ideas for my sucky wedding.

2004-01-23T21:46:00.000-05:00

well, i'm going to check out a wedding site tmw. THE wedding site. you know, for the wedding i dont want. now michael is being more stubborn than ever. now, not only does he want the wedding and the reception following, but he also wants a huge party for our friends. and he no longer wants the honeymoon we agreed on. he wants to go to the virgin islands. i hate the beach. i hate sand. i hate the ocean. i have a sun allergy. (seriously, ask my mom) so, lets see, now it gets to be the wedding he wants while i'm miserable, AND it gets to be the honeymoon he wants while i'm miserable. what a way to start a marriage huh? it feels like my opinion doesnt matter to him. like I dont matter to him. why is it that i'm always the one giving in? why am i the only one that can find the middle ground? i certainly hope this isnt indicative of the rest of our lives. cuz if so, this is going to be a short marriage. he tells me he's always had this picture of a perfect wedding. and he's not willing to compromise on that. well, i too have always had a picture of a perfect wedding. only our pictures were very different. so, he gets his, and i get screwed. and that is fair how?

2004-01-22T11:43:00.000-05:00

i realized i may need a littl introspection today. so i've decided to point out my major character flaws, for the whole world to read (along with a few good things)!

1. i'm very judgemental...cruelly so
2. i love my children to a fault
3. sometimes i wish i'd never had children
4. then i feel guilty about that thought
5. i procrastinate-i've had my lights and phone turned off in the last 6 months even though i had the money
6. i'm shy sometimes, and very outgoing sometimes
7. i'm terrified of the wedding i am planning
8. when i am comfortable, i thrive on being the center of attention
9. i smoke sometimes, quit sometimes, never been addicted...it is odd
10.i stole my first husband from his first wife and then lost him to a married woman
11.i hate my first husband-i never loved him, only the idea of being married
12.i hate that my receptionist never works, always talks on the phone, but i wont say anything to her
13.i'm not appreciated at work, and i get very angry about it
14.i love the color pink, though i'd never admit it
15.i'd hate to be accused of being girly
16.my mother and i have never gotten along, i feel she's fake
17.i write people off very easily, instead of forgiving them
18.that is how almost ALL of my relationships have ended (friends or romantically)
19.i'm cruel when i want to be, horribly so
20.i'm very self-involved
21.i think back and laugh at my teen years, when i thought 115lbs was fat
22.i wish i was 115lbs again
23.i say my prayers every night, and the first thing i say is to thank God for my kids
24.i'm terrified of eternity
25.i'm addicted to braingle.com
26.none of my close friends live in this state
27.the ones that do, i no longer speak to (see #17)
28.i miss them sometimes
29.i'm too stubborn to ever admit it
30.even though its been 9 months, i still miss michael so much it hurts
31.sometimes i worry that because he's so important to me, i'll lose him
32.my fiance is my best friend, and i hope, always will be
33.i like his mom much better than my own
34.i like his dad more than his mom-i dont know why
35.i feel bad admitting that
35.his grandmother drives me CRAZY
36.i feel bad admitting that too
37.i hate self-analysis
38.i hate insurance (which is where i work)
39.i used to party...A LOT
40.i love coutry music
41.i hate to cook
42.i hate to drive
43.i hate extreme temperatures, either hot or cold
44.i also hate to clean
45.my father died when i was 22-i never got to tell him i was married
46.we were not close-he was an alcoholic and i hated him for most of my life
47.i'm glad that i forgave him, and that we had a relationship when he died
48.sometimes i still cry when i think about it
49.i love steak, but rarely eat it
50.i have dinner w/my grandma every sunday
51.i get very depressed when i realize she may die soon (she's a little sick)
52.i adore hershey bars
53.i pretty much always eat junk
54.i love getting emails and surf all day at work
55.i get very mad when i have a customer
56.i love to ride horses
57.i'm addicted to my children, its scary, as i used to be the opposite
58.i hate my car...and my house
59.i pay my bills, but i'm also very frivolous
60.i have a small crush on a guy from another of our offices
61.i feel bad admitting that
62.i cant wait to be married
63.but i'm scared it will fail...again
64.my fiance and I have spent more time apart than together
65.i got pregnant with my daughter the first night we slept together (i think)
66.i met him in a bar, and i was extremely drunk
67.i love planning weddings, just not my own
68.i'd like to leave my job, but i'd feel guilty bc my boss has helped me out a lot
69.i love to type. odd isnt it?
70.i keep pausing in this list to check my email
71.i love taking pictures. so does my son
72.he has my personality just as clearly as if he were a "mini-me"
73.his attitude drives me MAD...he's rotten, but i dont punish him
74.i'm afraid that punishing my kids means someone can come take them
75.i get so involved in movies sometimes, that i feel like it happened to me afterwards
76.though i was young, i cried when reagan left office, and thought "what will happen to this country"
77.i marvel sometimes at how justified those tears were
78.i'm a die-hard republican...but i dont support bush generally speaking
79.i refuse to vote bc i dont like any candidate
80.my sister is beautiful, and i hate that about her
81.she's also very bitchy,and i love that about her
82.i love sex and the city, but i never watch it the night it comes on, i check it out later on HBO on demand
83.i didnt realize this list would be so long
84.i went to catholic school for awhile
85.i used to play the clarinet, but my mom didnt make the payments and they came to our house and took it. i think i've always resented her for that.
86.i always felt like i was the child who didnt matter to her
87.i always only wanted one child so that my son would never have to feel that way
88.i never knew it was possible to have so much love for 2 people, without exploding, until i had kids
89.i daydream...alot...i dont think it is healthy
90.i have actually met up with people that i met online in a chat room (they were all nice, we still talk)
91.i've never gotten along with my brother, even now i dont really like him, i have no idea why
92.at 25, i'm still waiting to feel like a grown-up
93.i've stolen money before
94.every day on my lunch break, i go visit my kids at daycare, and feel guilty if i cant
95.i once abandoned a cat when i moved from one house to another
96.i once punched my mother, which got me kicked out of the house
97.i did it defending my sister, but she didnt ever appreciate it
98.i've had my heart broken, more than once
99.i'm very self concious
100i'm sarcastic

2004-01-20T14:02:00.000-05:00

and the drama continues. no agreement is anywhere in site for the wedding plans. michael is so hard-headed. even when he pretends to agree w/me about the small wedding, he still insists on having 3 attendants, which means i need 3 attendants which means they will want to bring their families or whatever, which means MORE PEOPLE. so, really he's agreed to nothing at all, behind the pretense that he has. and i am not his friend! :)

2004-01-08T16:04:00.000-05:00

i have been a slacker. over the holidays, the baby and I had the flu. so i felt like dirt for two weeks. in the midst of being sick, we went out of state to meet the maternal side of michael's family. they were a nice bunch, but it was not what i would call a comfortable weekend. michael and i have been bickering about the wedding something fierce! it sucks. he just cant grasp why i dont want a big wedding. i told him if he wanted to see a replay of runaway bride, keep pushing! haha anyway, he finally told me to plan whatever i wanted, as long as i wanted him... (brat) now i feel guilty. damn! but, i really do think, once we do it my way, he will be glad and he will love it. and besides, i want to dump all the money into a really kick ass reception!! PAR-TAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now, i just have to think of a theme........

2003-12-15T13:29:00.000-05:00

my nerves can NOT take this. she drives me crazy. she talks nonstop. she never shuts up. she has been everywhere, seen everything, she knows everything, and everyone, she (or one of her immediate family) have had every disease known to man. she's from everyhwere, or she's lived everywhere, she's had every cell phone service, every regular phone service, every electric company service. she has dealt with every bank, and lending institution, and has been covered by every insurance company on the planet. and she just cant stop talking about it. my ears burn. my head hurts. and my nose even burns from the stench of her all too often cigarette breaks. my lungs ache from inhaling her way too powerful white trash perfume. and did i mention how she smacks her big mac's that she always brings back from her lunch break...i dont know why she couldnt eat in the hour she was gone.

anyway, yay for us, we caught saddam! how hilarious was he...he wants to negotiate? yeah, i guess he does when he's cornered like a rat in a hole the size of a coffin. FREAK. and i love the line "regards from president bush". that's too great! absolutely hilarious! i almost feel sorry for him. he had to be scared, tired, and hungry, down in that hole. but, then i remember, you dont have to feel sorry for sub-humans. and that helps me smile. lol

Ema is much better, no longer coughing. got an email from michael this morning, which is always nice. he said he was going to try to call me later. exciting. yeah, i'm weird...shutup. havent had time to blog lately, or to read anyone elses. i've actually been working while at work, and not surfing. haha

michael has agreed to the NC wedding, although i lost out on the mountain aspect. i think i'm doing more giving than receiving in this compromise...and here i always thought weddings were about the bride. oh well..........................

2003-12-10T12:46:00.000-05:00

nothing is going on...still. michael called this morning to check on the sick munchkin, but i dont remember much of what he said...i hate that. i barely talk to him when he calls that early, but i told him that i'd rather him call then that call me at work. which i would for the most part. except i'd like to be able to remember what we talk about. ugh! of course i dont think we talked about much, because i was so tired. he says he's been having trouble sleeping...worried about the bambino. poor thing...i told him she'd be ok, but i'm not so sure. she can barely breathe, its horrible! poor kid.

anyway, i've been trying to decide on a cake for connor's "cat in the hat" birthday theme. i found one, but it looks a little complicated, and, well, i dont DO complicated. anyway, i'll probably make it anyway, because i'm obsessed with my son's birthday cakes, after i forgot his first one, and burnt his second one...since then, they have been perfect. and it will be perfect this year. as soon as i figure out how...

i want a new cell phone. i have a friend that works for alltel (who i have my service through). i also have another friend who just went with a new carrier, and therefore got a new phone. his other phone is the type that i want. so, i thought i'd just buy his. BUT, can i get my service switched over to that phone? i dont know, so i've called the friend at alltel to find out. would be much better than buying the phone from the company, which is mega bucks! i really dont need a new phone at all. i just want one, because i've had this one for 2 years. and who keeps the same phone for 2 years? it just isnt fair! and i paid $200 when i got it...and that was at half price. so, its a really nice phone. and i have 3 batteries for it. but, its old, i've had to have the antenna replaced already (13 bucks) and now it needs a new charging mechanism...and really, i need a new car charger for it, mine has had it. and this one is SO cool. and i deserve a new phone dammit, stop looking at me like that!

i have a headache. and i havent heard from ron since thanksgiving. he was going to get snipped. his wife is preggo and he doesnt believe it is his. poor guy. i dont know why he hasnt written me...shithead. we had a little pissing contest, but i've talked to him since then, so i assumed he was over it. perhaps not. who cares anyway?! not me!

2003-12-05T12:30:00.000-05:00

ok, i'm going on a little tyrade here, so buckle up, and keep your hands in the car at all times. thanks for riding with us.

WEDDINGS

WHY do they have to be public? why does a public spectacle have to be made of what is supposed to be a private, intimate moment between two people? why does my personal commitment to love, honor, and cherish one person for the rest of my life have to be made in front of 500 of our closest family and friends? i mean, the huge reception i can totally understand. the big party after the fact is completely valid. but, the ceremony, the actual vows, shouldnt that be a private, shared moment? isnt it sort of like having sex in front of an audience? well, ok, so you have clothes on, but its definitely emotional sex. its just a very personal, private, emotional experience that i dont think the whole world should be privy to. i think the entire experience is cheapened somehow, when it becomes an extravaganza. The true reason we are doing this, the feelings, the emotion, the commitment behind the wedding, are lost in the pandemonium of the event. with all the planning, the flowers, the dresses, the music, the attendants and the general commotion, the "marriage" gets lost in the "wedding". its a little scary. when you make a commitment to someone, when you look that person in the eye and say "i am going to spend the rest of my life with you, for better or worse" that should be between you and that person. not you, that person, and everyone that you've ever met in your entire lives. it almost makes me want to run screaming in the opposite direction. i want to be married, but i dont want a wedding. the huge reception, with the entire town, and the big cake, and the fancy clothes, and the flowers, and the food, and the dancing, thats FINE. thats great. but, the actual commitment is only between the two of us, so shouldnt the vows be as well?

2003-12-02T13:32:00.000-05:00

my life is a den of tedium. there is literally NOTHING going on. i guess i can blab about my holiday...woo hoo. i got up early thursday morning, and went shopping! got the cutest pair of camel boots. anyway!!! went out to mom's lakehouse and had lunch, and goofed around there for a little while. missed a call from michael, there's no reception out there. i dont know WHY! i can dial out, but it doesnt ring. anyway, after that i came back to town, and went to michael's family function, and met the crew there. high-stress i tell ya! stayed there for a couple of hours, and then went to my grandma's family function for dinner. man was i tired by the time i got home!!! friday, i dont think we left the house all day, but i really dont remember, and i dont feel like thinking about it. i'm pretty sure i sat there and looked for wedding music. and dresses, and flowers, and tuxes, and candles, etc etc etc. and then, today, i decided we can elope. lol well, not exactly. i want to go into the mountains to this old plantation type house built in 1812, they host weddings there. i want to have maybe 10-15 guests. admittedly, i enjoy being the center of attention, but, only in comfortable surroundings. and i'm not comfortable in front of 300 people. we can still have the big reception back home. that wont be bad! michael's mom likes the idea...now if we can just work on michael. he called me yesterday morning at 5am. i really dont remember the conversation, i was sleeping.

the baby is sick. very sick. she can barely breathe, she has a temp, she's congested etc. she's going to the dr today. poor little thing. they better do something. i didnt work yesterday because i kept her home.

and thats been my life....MARCI! (hehehe)

2003-11-24T14:10:00.000-05:00

have you ever noticed how sick the world can be? i know that sounds cruel, but its true. do you really think that we, as americans, would have violently beaten the dead bodies of any two human beings, even those we considered enemies? probably. i'm sure we'd all like to believe that we're above that, but are we really? i know that I personally, would never look at a dead body as an "enemy" but as someone's child, someone's husband, someone's father. but, i think i'm in the minority in the world. i mean, how horrible is it to pummel (with concrete blocks no less) the already dead body that is someone's son? its sad, and its sick. where the hell was the REST of that convoy, that they allowed this to happen? now, i know, these men were dead, and did not feel the beating they were subjected to. but is that really the point? obviously, that is not why it was done. its was cruel, and it was evil, and in my opinion, every one of those snot-nosed teenagers should be buried in sand up to their necks, and stoned to death. then they can know how it feels to be beaten with concrete blocks. but they wont be. because the US will recognize them as "children". kids with moms, dads, friends, brothers and sisters. and will deem them undeserving of the fate they so willingly passed on to another.

2003-11-21T11:10:00.000-05:00

nothing has happened in my life in two days. isnt that scary?

2003-11-19T10:56:00.000-05:00

well, its a good thing i waited to confront becky. how is it that things can seem SO clear, it can appear that there is NO other explanation for something, yet there is. and once we hear that explanation it makes perfect sense. far more sense than what we originally suspected even! ok, hears what happened. you'll have to read back to find out who T is...basically she is michael's boss' wife. so, when i found the becky email, i wrote T asking her to see what she could find out. then, i waited for 2 very tense days to hear from her. last night, i did. she talked to her husband. and he knows this girl. she is over there with them right now. i panicked. until i read on... michael has a buddy named Z. now, this guy is not my favorite person, a little on the wild side, young, very immature, and known to hang out with some bad gals. anyway, apparently, he used to date becky. becky, according to michael's boss, is t-r-a-s-h. she and Z had a bad break-up. so Sgt B (the boss) said it is highly likely that michael was talking about the girl, because he never liked any of the trashy women that Z hung out with. then he told T to assure me that he'd been keeping an eye on michael, and that he's done nothing but talk about, and worry about me and the kids the whole time he's been over there. ***sigh***

well, then michael calls this morning. i quickly tell him that he has a very nasty email sitting in his inbox, and warn him not to read it. he says ok. then i explain to him what it is about, and tell him that i've found out who becky is. he still doesnt know "which one" of Z's girls she was. but, said if it was the one he was thinking of, she was "nasty". then he said, he'd only met her twice, and hasnt said anything about her. so, either she was just trying to get attention with the email (my theory) or she heard Z was talking about her, confronted him, and he blamed michael to get her off of his back. (michael's theory). Z is on leave right now, but he will talk to him when he gets back and find out for sure if that is the right girl, and why she is writing him.

why, oh why, cant i just keep my nose in my own darn email??????????????

2003-11-18T11:20:00.000-05:00

still no word from michael. i dont even know if he's checked his email. his mother said that he called his father yesterday, but he didnt call me. not a big deal, it was his dad's birthday, so i understand the phone call. but, if he was there with the phone in his hand why the heck didnt he call me? butthead. anyway, i dont know why i logged on here like i had something to say, bc i sure dont feel like talking about it. by the way, i havent heard from back from becky. my paranoid sense of logic tells me that he's talked to her, told her not to say anything to me, she would have then told him about the emails, which he would have figured out was me, and not himself (of course). great. if thats the case, then he knows that i dont know a damn thing. ick! i really dont want to talk about it now...

2003-11-17T13:14:00.000-05:00

well, i emailed ron (you'll remember him from the "soulmate" discussion) to get some advice. i told him to tell me to stop being paranoid, and not to assume the worst, and to trust the boy. this was his reply. "don't ever trust anyone as much as you do me....you may come close, but not as much. :) yes...be paranoid...be very paranoid" now, i know where he's coming from with this... i do trust him more than anyone else. because i know that no matter what i tell him, he'd never repeat it. and i trust guys more than girls anyway. because they dont gossip, and they dont meddle. they dont stick their nose in where it doesnt belong, and hey-they aint gonna sleep with your man! lol its so hard to explain my relationship with him. he always knows exactly what advice to give me, because he KNOWS me that well. now, occasionally there is the problem with him only hearing my side of the story. but, so often, he'll say, ok that is your side, now lets look at it from his side. haha i havent fully told him about the becky incident, because i'm not sure how i feel about it yet, and i dont want him to have a low opinion of michael, in case this turns out to be nothing. i wanted reassurance that the rest of the people in my life (especially those i want to marry) deserved the same trust and respect that i so freely give to ron. that reassurance, i did not get. but, can we ever trust a lover the way we trust a friend? i mean, for the time that ron and i dated, i didnt trust that turkey. i called him every day, "where are you, who are you with, what are you doing". but, the luxury of friendship, is that you dont need to know those things. whoever, or whatever he's doing, doesnt concern me, as long as it doesnt adversely affect our friendship. and it never has. and he's having problems of his own (crazy wife) and it isnt fair to burden him with my problems and expect him to fix them. but i always have, and he always does. in turn, i have always given him advice about his loco wife. so, maybe its not selfish to go crying to him? anyway, his advice not to trust, has left me slightly concerned about my future with michael.

2003-11-17T11:26:00.000-05:00

could i please have had a worst weekend?!?! because i really dont think it sucked enough. hell, i didnt get arrested or struck by lightning or anything! and those would have DEFINITELY been worse. slightly... i guess the weekend started out alright. connor went to his dads and i spent a quiet night at home with ema. then saturday, i got up, took a shower, and dressed, bathed ema, and dressed her in an adorable pink outfit with a huge flower on the front. she's SO cute. and she was in a terrific mood. so i took several pictures. (the faint of heart need not read on). well, miss ema decided to take a huge crap...it ran out of her diaper and ALL over her! so, i had to strip her down, wash her down, and re-dress her. well, that was not overly tragic, i suppose. except that i was sleepy and tired because a friend of mine, dee, was surfing the net, and michael logged on, so she goes blabbing to him about how pissed off i am at him about the whole password thing. so...........even though its ONE THIRTY in the morning, he tells her to call me and tell me to get online so he can talk to me about it. lovely well, i was tired, and irritable, and didnt feel like discussing it, so i refused to talk about it, and even denied being mad. he's such a little fibber though, even then he was lying! stinking brat. well, saturday ema spent the night off, and i went out with some friends. NOT fun. i was in a bar, they played crappy music, there werent many people that i knew, and i was tired from my lack of sleep the night before. anyway, i was there until almost 2 in the morning. finally, i took my friend home (yes it was a chic...dont get suspicious) and i went home, going to bed sometime after 2. well, bright and early at 9am michael calls. the conversation went something like this.

M:good morning honey, happy anniversary
C:hey you, thanks!
M:whatcha doin?
C:sleepin
M:still sleepin? musta stayed out too late last night
C:probably
M:(incredulously) what?
C:you're probably right, i was out too late
M:you went OUT last night?
C:yes, why?
M:where was ema
C:she spent the night with my aunt
M:WHY
C:bc they wanted to take her to church this morning, and i wanted to go out
M:is she still there?
C:yes, you woke me up remember?
M:how long are you planning on leaving her there?
C:until i wake up and go get her
M:who did you go out with?
C:D**** and S***** why?
M:where did y'all go?
C:the bar where their husbands work/
M:did you drink?
C:yes dear, but dont worry, i had one for you also.
M:(laffs) gee thanks
M:dont make a habit of this...
C:what do you mean
M:going out all the time
C:it was ONE night
M:you know what i meant, dont make it a habit
C:oh, like you used to?
M:USED to, dont anymore
C:hard to go out in iraq isnt it?
M:i didnt do it when i came home did i?
C:well, we shall see how long that lasts.
M:it will
C:we'll see...now can we change the subject

the conversation went pretty well after that, he told me he was going to try to send me flowers, but nowhere was open on sunday. i told him not to worry about it, it was ruined now since he'd told me anyway. he said he was sorry. no big deal. well, then i figure i may as well get out of the bed, right? so, i pull my sneaky snake routine, and check his alternate email address. guess whats there? an email from becky... it went a little something like this. "I don't know what ur problem is, but I've been hearin you're spreadin my name in a very bad way...WTF? I'd say we have to talk, but u've already made ur mind up, and u don't even see the truth...whatever. " and that is a direct quote. so, what did she mean? i dont know, but i wrote her back and asked! then i emailed T and asked her to do some digging on this girls name (she had an army email address) and see what she could find out about her. i havent heard back yet. i also emailed michael, and told him that i'd talked with becky, and that he better fess up. i wonder if he'll tell me the truth? ya never can tell. so, for the past 26 hours, i've been nauseous, paranoid, and generally unconsolable. picking up connor helped, and it also helped that he wanted KFC for dinner, so i didnt have to cook. but, my feelings are still awfully hurt! i just hope he can tell me the truth. thats the only chance we have right now...

2003-11-14T10:36:00.000-05:00

Leaving the Past Behind...Is It Possible?

sometimes i wonder, if everything will ever be OK again. there are the days when i dont think about the past. the days when i dont wonder about the lies he told me, the days when they dont hurt. and then, there are days like today. days when i wonder if he and i will ever be truly happy. i need closure on the things that happened, the lies that were told. the deceit, the pain, the covering of tracks, the missed phone calls, the nights out with the "boys". i dwell on them all. and they prevent me from moving forward. so, i go to michael for comfort. i beg him to tell me the truth. i wont get mad, knowing that he did it, cant hurt anymore than thinking that he did anyway. at least this way, i'll know that he's being honest, and i can move on, believing that he's trying to be straight with me on all counts. but as long as he continues to deny, and HIDE, what i know in my heart to be true, i can never believe that he's a changed person. never believe that he is being 100% honest with me. and then he does something, like change his email password, that makes me think "whats he got to hide now". and maybe there's nothing there. but why else would he change it? he still denies SO many things. things that i believe in my heart happened. things that other people have witnessed. he claims that they are all lying. are they? or is he? and part of me thinks, just believe him. but the rational part of me says, "he's lying to you over and over and over". every day that he lets me live with a rationale that he knows is non-existent, he's lying to me again. so, if i cant let it go, without the truth, and he's unwilling to tell the truth...where do we go from here?

2003-11-13T08:23:00.000-05:00

for those of you who are grammatically challenged, or cant find the right "swear word" to express your level of anger, click here

2003-11-13T08:21:00.000-05:00

wow, the drama continues. last night, when i finally got home, around 7, i saw an instant yahoo message on my computer. this made me sad because i knew it was michael. he had been online, and I wasnt home to talk to him. so, i checked my email to see if he'd written....NOPE. strange. but-there was an email from his mother. she asked if he was still having probs with his email. hmmm....i dont know. i'll check it out. so, i log on to his email. no....i dont. invalid password. invalid password??? no way. maybe i had a typo. i'll try again. invalid password. the little prick CHANGED his password. he uses one password for everything. all his messengers, online banking, email accounts everything. and now, his email, and ONLY his email has a new password that i dont know. now, why do we think that is? i honestly dont read his email anymore. i only logged on to it, to see if he'd gotten her email, like she asked. but, i cant log on, because he changed his password. why would he DO that? dee said maybe he just wanted some privacy. i say he has something to hide.

and why do men do things like that anyway? why do they feel compelled to constantly prove their masculinity by having "friends" they know they shouldnt have? oh sure, they may never cheat, but its just the idea. the idea that they know they could. they like the attention, adoration even, of other women. its sad. i heard some twisted logic one time from a girl who preyed on married men. she especially went after the ones who wanted to be "just friends" and said they would never cheat. why? because she wanted to settle down . she wanted to get married. and she KNEW that these guys had commitment potential because they were already committed to someone else. she managed to snag a married guy twice. both times he divorced his wife to be with her. and both times, he cheated on her within a year. stupid, stupid girl. see, the error in her logic was in thinking that because these guys were married, they were "commitment ready". if they were committed to their wives, would they be out in a bar talking to you? NO these men are even less committed than single men. sad isnt it?

back to michael. OBVIOUSLY, he cant cheat from iraq...well, he could, there's plenty of female soldiers over there, but then there'd be no need to hide his emails. so, he's not cheating, he's just communicating with another female. so, why is that a big deal to me? because he feels the need to HIDE it for one. another reason is bc before he left he did cheat. and the one stipulation to me staying with his juvenile ass after that, was the he not so much as TALK to another female while he was overseas, unless they shared blood. and he agreed. even made it sound like his idea, by saying the only people he was going to have TIME to call/email would be myself of his parents. good on him you say? nope. cuz it was a skeezy lie. he's a skeezy little liar. and i am pissed off.

so, now the question. do i confront him and admit that i tried to log into his email, and ask why the password was changed? do i act pissy with him, and ask leading questions like "emailed any girls lately" and see if he confesses on his own? do i ignore it, and deal with it when he gets home? do i ignore it all together and let it roll off my back? or, do i tell him i dont trust him, perhaps i never will, and end things now? lots of choices, none good.

2003-11-12T13:06:00.000-05:00

i dont have a good betty word today, but i do have a good receptionist word.

seen-yes, you would think this is ok, right? WRONG...especially when used in place of "saw". sentence "i seen your brother at the piggly wiggly last night". its like a really bad scene out of Sweet Home Alabama.

speaking of alabama, has anyone heard the new buddy jewel song called sweet southern comfort? i like it. its nice.

2003-11-12T12:04:00.000-05:00

this is BULLSHIT. sorry guys, but there is no other way to describe this. i have taken 4 (count them 1, 2, 3,4) PERSONAL messages for the freaking receptionist. either because she is yapping away on ANOTHER personal call, or because she's outside on her 5th smoke break of the hour. and while we're on the subject of smoke breaks, why the heck is it that people who are essentially killing themselves with nicotine and tar, get to take 10 times the breaks of any other person working in the same office? just because you want to kill yourself slowly, should NOT give you privileges of missing more work than everyone else. lord that aggravates me. her JOB is to answer the dang phone and she cant even do that.

anyway, on to michael! he called last night. he's so darn cute. i just want to pinch his cheeks. he was cracking me up last night. i told him about the incident with my boss and that i was pissed and wanted to move. he laughed at me and told me to make up my mind. i told him that i've never said i didnt want to move. of course, i dont want to go to nasty ft hood where they are going to redeploy him. oh well. i'm kinda over my temper tantrum now anyway. i'd still move if he wanted, but i'm no longer thinking up revenge tactics.

i tortured my child last night. i didnt mean to, i feel horrible. she was nursing, and she just looked so cute, and i just wanted to smoosh her, so i pinched her little cheek. NOT HARD. but, boy did she start wailing. she turned that little lip down, and her eyes teared up and she went to screaming. it was horrible. i felt like such a bad mommy. i know it didnt hurt, i think it just ticked her off. and she was mad at me for quite a while. everytime she looked at me she just started crying again. on the up side though, she went to sleep soon after that, and slept 12 hours straight. thats always nice. haha

marci is being a slacker at keeping me amused today. she must be busy. oh well, i have plenty to do with ANSWERING THE PHONES FOR THE DANG RECEPTIONIST.

2003-11-11T12:25:00.000-05:00

this is going to be a really crappy day. and it did NOT start out that way. i even got to work 10 minutes early. but, as soon as i got here, i spent 30 minutes in my boss' office getting my ass chewed. i actually got in trouble for leaving at the time that i get off work everyday. what am i supposed to do, stay after i'm off? so, i asked, would you like me to work later hours? "no" was the response. ok, so you're mad when i leave work at the time i am supposed to, but you dont want me to work later?!?!?! what am i missing here folks? then he starts telling me how valuable i am, and what an asset i am to the office, because of my training, licensing etc... ok, so, what do you want me to DO??????????? yes, i know that i can do things that no one else in the office can bc i am the only one licensed to do so. but, you dont want me to do it, you want to do it yourself. even when i offer to do the things that i am licensed to do, i'm told no, thats ok. so, again, WHAT DO THESE PEOPLE WANT FROM ME??? blood???? sheesh. i mean, come on here, get a grip. you are saying that you are not happy with the way i do things, but you dont want me to change anything either. what is that crap? oh the drama. i swear, i think i'm gonna tell michael to take those damn orders to germany. except that those guys will probably deploy. and that would be drama wouldnt it? ok, so maybe i wont do that. let me think awhile on my retaliation...

i have another betty word for ya

onced-known to the rest of the world as once. as in "onced you do that, your cost will go down"

2003-11-10T12:04:00.000-05:00

ok, now my coworker post. this should lighten the mood. a lady that works with me, i'll call her betty, drives me nuts sometimes. can we say KNOW-IT-ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but, then she will turn around and ask the most ignorant questions. so, today, we'll list a couple of her favorite words.

subligate-better known to the real world as "subrogate". sentence: if you pay your deductible we can subligate against the other company to get it back.

bus left- the act of being left behind by the bus. sentence: if you dont hurry down to the bus stop, you're going to get bus left.

there are more, but i cant think of them right now. i'll add them as i hear her say them. another fabulous habit of hers..."carrie can you show me how to...". so, i go into her office, and fix whatever she has done to her computer THIS time, and then she says, now do that again so i can see what you did. well gee, break it again, and i will.

and another favorite, is when she asks me to do personal things for her at work. like, go to the irs site and download a form she needs. she just cant do it from home, she doesnt know how. HILARIOUS!! i have never minded doing things for her, bc i know how PC illiterate she is, but i still find it hilarious! because, if i was downloading that stupid form for myself, she'd be tattling. and arent 50-something women too old to tattle? sheesh!

the annoying receptionist is out today. i think i mentioned that already. since she's not here to come into my office and try to see what i'm typing, i'll tell a story about her from friday. does the term "white trash" mean anything? anyway! friday she was telling me a story about her live-in boyfriend. apparently he asked he was she was cooking for supper. she told him nothing. a few minutes later he (nastily) asked again. she told him she'd eaten, and her kids had eaten, and she wasnt cooking a damn thing. to which he started yelling at her. she told him to fix his own food or pack his bags and leave her house, she didnt care which. now this part is pretty funny. because i'd have done the same thing. but, she's not me. and i KNOW she wouldnt have reacted to him that way. but anyway, this is where her story starts to get interesting. she's one of those people that has to tell the story twice. back to back. in case you didnt hear her the first time. so, version one of the story ended with him storming out, sitting in his car for 30 minutes listening to the radio, and then coming in to fix himself a bologna sandwich. version two of the story, which began IMMEDIATELY when version one was over, ended with him coming inside COOKING dinner, and even offering her some. its days like this that i want to look at her and scream "what the hell happened to the bologna sandwich". you'd have to hear her to fully understand. it goes something like this...first part of story..."that joker came inside and fixed himself a bologna sandwich, and went to bed. thats what he needs to do. i dont cater to no man. it was so funny y'all. shoot, thats my damn house, i aint doing nothing for him. if i'm hungry i'll cook, if i'm not i won't. i make sure my kids eat, i'm not worried about him, he's a grown man. wanna sit outside and pout. then come in and smoke up my whole house. he sat outside and pouted and then he brought his tail inside and cooked his supper, and smoked up my whole damn house. then he wanted to offer me some. i told ya man, i already ate, i dont want none of your nasty burnt up supper, hell naw." duh, did you hear yourself JUST SAY he ate a sandwich?!?! it must be hard to be so stupid. especially when you've experienced SO much in life. i mean, she's lived everywhere, done everything, had every kind of dog on the face of the earth, but the ALL ran away, been married to or dated every branch of the military, knows everything about everything. and cant even keep a story straight. what a tangled web we weave...

2003-11-10T11:26:00.000-05:00

well, the weather here is a little nicer. the high today is 55, and the sun is shining. i love fall. i'd be a lot happier about it if michael were here. wah wah, poor me! ema was in a terrific mood yesterday morning, so i got several smiling pictures which i promptly emailed out to EVERYONE that i know! :) she's a beauty!! (no, i'm not partial)

i havent heard from marci today, i wonder if she's at work. maybe she's actually busy. LOL work is dreadfully boring today. its almost frightening. the receptionist is out with her sick daughter. she's probably actually hungover, its probably not the daughter at all. thats mean isnt it? oh well!

my weekend was rather blah. i got to talk to michael online for about 30 minutes on saturday, which was nice. then i went to my aunt's baby shower, and we all went out to eat etc. it was really late when i got home, and man was i tired. then yesterday i went over to my grandmother's for lunch (the whole family goes on sundays) and that was about it. michael called yesterday, its always great to hear his voice. he's thinking of getting out of the military. i say "hell yeah". of course, i feel somewhat guilty encouraging that, since i know he's only doing it for me and the kids. but, is that so wrong? i mean, he's not doing it bc i said so, he's doing it bc he wants to be with us, wants to see his daughter grow up. and i think he's afraid (as most of us are) that this drama in iraq will never end, and he'll miss so many of her important events. so, you see, its not really my fault at all.

i havent made any wedding plans. i'm being slack, i know. i'll do what i always do, and wait until the last minute, and then try to throw everything together in a few weeks. i cant even decide how many attendants to have. all of my close friends have moved away. except for the one i'm currently not speaking to. lol and SHE Doesnt deserve to be in my wedding. i'm still pouting with her (as i have been for 7 months now)

speaking of 7 months, yesterday was exactly 7 months to the day, that michael has been gone. its very sad to think of it that way. 7 months. wow. i havent talked to trudie in quite a while, i wonder how's she dealing... its kind of sad to think how dependent she is on a man. i mean, yes, i miss michael, sickeningly so sometimes, but i dont wallow in self pity the way she does. I SAVE THAT FOR HERE. hahaha but, hey, you dont have to read it if you dont want to. :P i'm not having a good "writing" day, i need some inspiration. i wish i had some witty pearls of wisdom to share. but, of course i dont. i think i'll make a seperate post a little later on my co-worker...that should be funny

2003-11-07T10:45:00.000-05:00

last night, while most of us slept, helicopters were being shot down, convoys attacked, and military barracks being shot at. its very frightening to feel that the person you love more than anything could be hurt, or dead, and you dont even know it. that was what i woke up to this morning. i logged on to yahoo to check the weather, and saw the news story "helicopter shot down, 6 dead". as i read on, i found out about the attacks on the convoy and on barracks. i try very hard not to panic, i dont want my child to worry, but its hard. its hard not to tear up when i look at my sleeping little girl and hear the nagging thought in the back of my head that says her daddy could be lying somewhere hurt or even dead, and i dont know. when he looked at her monday with tears streaming down his face, as we drove away, it could be the last time that he ever looked at her. the last time she ever smiled up at him. God, it makes me sick to even think about it. his mother hasnt heard anything from/about him, and i feel quite sure if he were hurt, she'd have been notified by now, its been 12 hours since the attacks. for anyone who reads this,and believes in it, please keep michael, and all the other soldiers in your prayers.

2003-11-06T21:36:00.000-05:00

i just realized this...the day michael came home (18 oct) was the 192nd day that he was gone. and today is the 211th. only 154 days to go...

2003-11-06T12:52:00.000-05:00

ok, after this, no more writing today. i just heard from michael. he made it back safely, but boy is he MAD!! apparently when he was told he could choose any base he wanted...that was a lie. when he was told he could change his career field...another lie. there are only 2 bases open for us, and both are in texas. could this be devine intervention marci? LOL

2003-11-06T11:55:00.000-05:00

its going to be one of those days...i feel it already. everyone is driving me nuts. i try not to write about it, bc this is supposed to be about michael, but my whole life is about michael, so i'm sure he wont mind. he doesnt even know this blog exists. lucky for me. because if he read about all my sneakiness in my archives, he'd probably choke slam me. ok, he wouldnt choke me, but he'd at least put me in a headlock. anyway!! the people in my life are truly nuts. as i've said PLENTY of times before, my mom doesnt like michael. she reallyyyyyyyyyyy doesnt like him! not that i care. she has no reason. she's just like that. i'm not even sure she likes herself sometimes, and she certainly doesnt like me. she needs to refill her prozac i think. but, i'm getting off track. the point of that was to tell you what she said about my ring. i showed it to her, even though i knew she'd be negative, because she always is...and her comment..."whats this, a friendship ring?". yeah mom, its a 1 carat solitiare, with sidestones set in platinum FRIENDSHIP RING. moron. she just said it to be nasty. then, when she told my sister about the ring, she didnt even know what it looked like, told my sister that the center stone was emerald cut! HELLO, its round. there's a big difference in a rectangle and a circle. but, she's a very negative person, so its expected. she's one of these holier-than-thou christians who thinks its ok to put down the rest of the world because she's the only one going to heaven anyway. its really quite sad. she only got like this when she got off her medication. haha thats not true, she's always been holier-than-thou. always the martyr, and much to wrapped up in her own life to be concerned with that of her children. but, thats a whole nother issue that i do NOT wish to address. you know how the TV moms act when they find out their daughter is getting married? or having a baby? just once i wish my mom would have one of those reactions. but, she's inherrently negative, she cant help herself. i've learned to live with it in my 25 years. so, back to the ring. bet you're wondering why i just got it huh? well, i cant really answer that. but, probably because anytime M brought up the subject of marriage (before he left) i always told him HE wasnt ready...which was code for I wasnt ready to go through that again. again...yes, marriage number two. i'm nuts, i know. but the first one only lasted 3 weeks...technically. its all in the archives, i dont feel like writing about it again. hakuna matata.

speaking of hakuna matata, we bought the new lion king on DVD. now, its been a while...but i didnt see anything new in there?!?! and i was cooking dinner at the time, so i wasnt paying absolute attention. maybe i should rewatch it. i feel tortured just thinking about it. of course, its not as bad as having to sit through the HULK again. ick!!! it was way too long, and way to fake to get a thumbs up over here. but, the kid likes it. go figure.

i'm hungry. guess my mocha cafe latte and 3 fig newtons breakfast has long since been digested. i miss michael. i KNOW, i'm not talking about it, but i do miss him. and i'm worried about him flying over fallujah. well, i think i've done enough complaining for one day...maybe i'll go to theknot.com and make some wedding plans...

2003-11-06T11:16:00.000-05:00

i've tried to think of things to keep my mind off of not hearing from michael. its hard! ok, so i'll talk about how dense i am these days... this may gross some of you out slightly, so be warned. anywho! when i can not express enough milk to send to ema's daycare, i make her a bottle of formula to take, while i am at work. (normally she nurses). well, i ran out of formula. i was too tired last night to drag the kids into walmart for more, so i decided that after i dropped my son off at school this morning, i'd run to the grocery store next door to the baby's daycare and pick up a can. so, i boiled her some water, and poured it into the bottles, so that the formula could just be added and the bottles would be ready. i went into this grocery store, and guess what?!?! no formula. i walked up and down the baby aisle. they had baby juice, baby food, baby cereal, baby bottles, spoons, bibs, pacifiers, wipes, diapers, and anything else imaginable. but NO formula mix. with 20 minutes left until i was late for work, i didnt have time to go anywhere else. thats when i say gerber cereal with formula mix. well, ema eats cereal, so that should be fine, right? so, i bought a couple jars of baby food, some baby banana juice and a spoon and zipped to the daycare. i take in the 2 bottles of sterile water, and my purchases. i still feel like a heel that i waited until the last minute. and what the hell kind of grocery store doesnt carry baby formula?!?! UGH! anyway, i explain what happened to the daycare worker, as i'm spooning this disgusting cereal/formula mix into a bottle of the water. no way do i think my child is going to drink this, and now i feel worse. the lady starts laughing and tells me that she always shops at that store, and they DO carry formula, but its in a different part of the store. what kind of stupid ass grocery store keeps the baby formula on a totally different aisle from all the other baby products? well, by this time i only have 10 minutes left to get to work. so i give them the cereal bottle, the bottle of water, the jug of juice, the 2 jars of baby food and the spoon, and tell them to wing it! she's only there 4 hours, so its not that bad, but i still feel like dirt about it. so, that was my mornings drama. i mean, i know she wont starve, she eats baby food fairly well, and she does have the cereal bottle. but still, the guilt... michael would just die if he knew. but, she'll be fine, i'm sure. and now she only has 3 hours left. but, i WILL go get her formula the second i get off work today. she's sick...did i mention that? we both are. i used to think she was bringing germs home from daycare, but my son never gets sick, so i think the baby and i must share an allergy of some sort.

well, i won my hoop skirt on ebay. woo hoo! only 15 bucks. i'm excited. i cant believe i'm planning this big shebang. i wish we could get married in cooler weather, but michael wants to do it soon after he gets home, and if he stays there until april...well, then it looks like may (which was my original plan if you'll read back). besides, even if he does get to come home early (he heard a february rumor) it still doesnt help. there's his bday and V-day in feb, my bday is in march, and by april its 70 degrees down here!! sheesh. so, we'll just set a firm may date, and have an evening wedding so it will be cooler. but evening weddings are usually a little more formal...goody. more work for me. why cant the military cooperate with my plans? haha

did i mention the weather here? the high today is 80. 6 weeks until christmas, and here in good ole SC, its 80 freaking degrees. what kind of crap is that? the low (at night) is around 60. maybe i should move farther north. i wonder if i'll be able to wear shorts at x-mas? lol guess i should go email marci now, make her help with wedding plans. hehe may 15th is a saturday, sounds good to me!

2003-11-05T13:59:00.000-05:00

marci hasnt kept me amused today. i find that offensive. haha she hasnt answered my email in 2 hours. i am angry. how rude! (not really angry) i have 5 minutes left of work. then i have errands to run, and i dont feel like it, bc i am sick. however, it is bills that i have to pay, and i dont want them to turn off my phone or my cable. LOL i wonder if the new house has cable? it is out in the boonies. they may not have cable out there. that would suck. then i would have to use dial-up internet. my life would be over. hmmm...i'll have to check into that. DSL is not available here yet either. well, its time to go home now...marci i know you will read this...i am mad at you...lol

2003-11-05T11:01:00.000-05:00

havent heard from him in almost 24 hours. i'm trying not to think about it. so, we'll talk about other things. did i mention that i bought my wedding dress on ebay? well, i did. its an addiction that marci and i share. LOL i also bid on a hoop skirt (to go under the dress) but i lost it by 50 cents in the last 2minutes of the auction. how very annoying. oh well, i'll just bid on another one.

how can i not talk about michael in a blog that is all about him? i can do this, i can. i will NOT talk about michael. he is fine, he will be fine, and he will come home safely. so i do NOT need to obsess about this.

ok, now that i've gotten that out of the way. i'm sick. emalee is sick also. i cant figure out if she's getting sick and then passing it on to me, or if perhaps she and i share an alergy of some sort. we seem to get a stuffy nose together all the time. i hope she's not allergic to the cat. that would suck.

so... i'm thinking of applying to aiu online to get my bachelor's degree. i guess people probably dont look very highly at online degrees though, do they? not that i really care what anyone else thinks. oh, who am i kidding, sure i do! but i'm still gonna do it, bc its so much easier for me, i can do it after the kids go to bed etc. speaking of bed, i hope we get this house. it'll be fun! i sent the #'s of 3 house inspectors to michael's dad. supposedly that is the first step. i'm keeping my fingers crossed. i'm tired. emalee hasnt slept the last two nights. i wonder if its because her dad is gone? i wonder if she knows? i wonder if she can tell that i am upset? poor kid. connor is still upset. when i walked in to pick him up yesterday, he said "aw man". and i said "what, are you not ready to go?" AND HE SAID "michael's not with you". UGH!!! i felt sssssssooooooooooo bad. then, this morning, he said something about michael, and then he said "its not fair is it mama?" oh, i couldnt help it, i started crying. wait, i'm not supposed to be talking about this. ok, think. talked to my lawyer yesterday. he is looking for my ex-husband so he can throw him back in jail...again. some idiots never learn, do they? i told him i had NO idea how to find the man, and frankly, dont care. what a scumbag. the ex, not the lawyer. he's great. lol (personal friend) not sure what else to write about right now, all thoughts go to michael, and i dont want to talk about that! maybe i'll start some wedding plans...only 6 mos away now. :)

2003-11-04T13:46:00.000-05:00

well, michael is gone again. he left yesterday. amid all the "action" going on over there right now, he has to fly back in. that has me worried. of course, i always worry, dont i? i'm just so scared that some jackass is going to shoot his chopper down or something. i dont think i'm allowed to say exactly when he will be flying over the country, for that very reason. hopefully i'll hear from him again on one of his stops. we went to the theme park alone (well w/o his brother) and had so much fun!!! michael threw up twice. i told him that is what he gets for drinking a beer and then riding a roller coaster. it was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! poor thing. they didnt make me go into the clown haunted house (i'm deathly afraid of evil clowns-but thats another post). everyone else went in (including michael) but he later came back out bc he didnt want me wait alone. how sweet, huh? he won a pooh for emalee, and was very proud of himself. we went to the mall there, its HUGE, and had a great time walking around, shopping etc. we bought some of those tall beer glasses (cute cute) and OF COURSE, an outfit for emalee. michael also got her a piglet rattle (because she's a little piggy he said). it was a good time, just hanging out by ourselves. all in all, a nice saturday for us. sunday we spent with his family, and all too soon it was monday and time for him to leave. we went and had pictures taken of all of us, and then i took him to meet his dad, who was driving him to the airport. that was something i knew i couldnt do. it was hard watching him go. both of the kids took it hard as well. connor was pretty easy to calm down, but emalee is just too young to understand why he's not there holding her all the time. (ggggrrrrrrrrr) i thought i'd be ok with him leaving again, and i think if it werent for the attack on that chinook, i may not be so upset. but, its scary to think what he is flying into. i just kind of chew my nails, and pray. we are probably buying a house. his dad has his POA and told me he'd take care of all the details. its just more than i can deal with right now. very stressful. the realtor said she thought we should definately be in the house by x-mas. i hate having to move all by myself again, but the house is huge, and right down the street from the family farm. (his family not mine) it will be a bit of a drive for me, but all in all, very exciting. its a tad on the expensive side in my opinion, but i think we are paying mostly for the yard (pond etc). anyway, i guess we'll see how that goes. more later...

2003-10-27T12:14:00.000-05:00

ok, now i have time to finish. we went to eat and we had a talk. i could tell he was in a receptive mood, and wouldnt be jumpy and defensive if i approached him about some things. so, i asked him again about the online dating service thing. i knew he wouldnt openly admitted that he'd lied, but he did give in a little. he said he may have, he didnt remember, but if it hurt me, he was sorry. which is a huge step. we had a productive conversation and i was glad for that. it was a big step. of course, he still got on the stupid playstation first chance he got! brat. but, life is slightly better since the "talk". he did ask why i hadnt talked to him sooner instead of letting things go on and on, but i just told him that i thought he'd have been defensive, and it would not have been productive to have a conversation. he said he understood. his mom is going to watch the children for a while tonight, so that he and i can go out with another couple that he is friends with. that should be interesting.

as a side note, i got my wedding dress in the mail today. my boss came in (because it was shipped here) and asked what was in the box, and instead of just telling him that it was mine, the motor mouth receptionist blabs, "oh its carrie's wedding dress". gee thanks! his response was "shes getting married?" he sounded incredulous. he didnt ask me about it though, so i havent mentioned it to him. i can NOT believe how some people take things upon themselves to tell. UGH!!!

2003-10-27T11:03:00.000-05:00

well, we had a spat and then a talk over the weekend. first of all, he extended his plans with his brother. even though he knew i was angry at being neglected. (he knew bc my aunt told him...lol) when he realized i wasnt going to "get over it" he cancelled the new plans with his brother, which I thought made me look like a B*tch, which pissed me off even more. we were over at his grandmothers during all of this. anyway, i went into the bedroom to feed the baby, and he follows me in there and picks a fight. which is upsetting A) because i'm trying to feed the baby, and B) because his family can hear everything we are saying. so, then i was HOT. he knew it too, so he grabbed up connor and went to the playground. his mother approached me and mentioned some of the problems he and i seemed to be having in the other room. GGGGGRRRRRRRRRR @ him!! anyway, she offered to keep the kids for he and i to go out, but i told her no. the way i see it, if he wanted to spend time with me, he'd make time for ME, not everyone else. she said i'd have to understand that men were dumb sometimes. haha so she wound up keeping the kids for us to go out to eat, and we had a talk. more about that later...

2003-10-24T12:04:00.000-04:00

why do all my "michael is great" posts always turn out to be so "michael is anything but great"????

2003-10-24T11:59:00.000-04:00

you know, michael's great. he really is. i mean, how many guys would put up with my complete array of SHIT and still love me in the morning? poor boy. i'm totally wishy-washy, i change my mind constantly, i'm maddeningly demanding, wholly possessive, maybe even obssessive. and yet he lives with all these flaws, even finds them endearing. IS HE BLIND?!?! last night i started a fight. i am evil. personally, i think the fight was justified. but, that could be bc of my demanding streak.

so-this is what happened. if you'll read back, you'll remember my little issue with michael's online romance website that he joined. well...he's always denied it. even told me that one of his roomates joined it and used his email. my argument for knowing that he was lying was that his roomate would not have used a username that M uses for everything, his password, and his description. so, i KNOW it was him. anyway, all of that is past. well, i asked him about it last night. i know he's lying when he says its not him, he knows he's lying, and he knows that i know he's lying. so, why wont he just admit it, and let it be over? he thinks i should just drop it. but, i cant. because he wont say, yes i did it, and i'm sorry. if he would just admit it and apologize, it wouldnt bother me anymore. but he wont. jerk. so, of course he got pissed at me, turned everything around on me, and made it look like i was the bad guy, bc i wont just leave it alone. ron would never do that to me. and i feel guilty even making that comment. oh yeah, ron would be the "soulmate". i'm pretty sure my seat in hell is reserved bc of all this. but, dang, M may put up with an array of shit, but so do I!!! he's here for 15 days and the boy cant spend 5 freaking minutes with me. he has to go see this one and that one, and blah blah blah. we have 2 kids. so, alone time is pretty impossible. there will be one day, count them again, ONE day while he is here that i have a babysitter for both kids. so, i made plans for he and i to go to one of these theme park places, bc i couldnt go while pregnant. what does he do? he invites his little brother to go with us. the one night that we can actually be alone, do something together, and just enjoy each other's company, and not have to worry about the kids, and he invites his 15-year-old brother to tag along. and, i mean, i love his brother, but it hurt my feelings. he never even asked me. and of course, it does no good for me to whine about it now, bc if he un-invites his brother, then i look like a big B*tch. so, i get to spend no time with him while he's home, and i just have to resign myself to that fact. oh yeah, and tonight, being friday, i thought we could hang out, after the kids go to bed, stay up late and watch a movie or something since i dont have to work tomorrow. what does he do? invite his brother to come spend the night with us. lovely isnt it?

2003-10-23T11:25:00.000-04:00

ok wow, this post will have NOTHING to do with michael. well, maybe a little, but not really. here goes...

there's this guy. i dated him about 5 or 6 years ago. we broke up. we dated again. we were engaged. there has always been something keeping us apart. his job transferred him across the country, among other things! i'd be dating someone when he was free, then he'd be dating someone when i was free. we were both young, and not sure what we wanted out of life. but, from all of that, we became the best of friends. we can finish each other's sentences, we always know what the other one is thinking, and we know we can always count on each other, and talk to each other about anything. if i believed in such things, i'd say we were star-crossed lovers. lol but, i dont... anyway! i think part of me will always be in love with him. and i feel guilty for that. he feels the same. dont get me wrong, there's no talk of getting together, he's married and has 2 kids, and I of course, have michael. but i have a guilty conscience about this guy... and i'm not sure why that is. anyone who's ever known the two of us have said that he's my soulmate. he even says that. as i said, i'm not sure i believe in such things. i LOVE michael, i love him to death, but i KNOW that i will never have the connection with anyone that i have with this other guy. so, am i cheating michael? is the other guy cheating his wife? or, is that just how life goes sometimes?

2003-10-15T21:36:00.000-04:00

what i've learned

ok, so now its been a LONG while! the baby was born august 2nd, and i've been very busy since then. writing doesnt seem to be therapeutic for me anymore. i've learned to live with the sickening heartache that i feel on a daily basis. i've learned to deal with the constant nagging fear that he's not OK. i've learned to accept that he can NOT call every single day. he's been gone for 6months, 6 days now. he gets to come home on a midtour. for 15 days. then it will be 6 months before we see him again. she wont remember him. she'll probably be afraid. because she'll be 8 months old. but, she'll get over it. michael's done some wonderful things recently. he retook his asvab and got the score he was shooting for. this means he can now choose his post. or, he can choose to change career fields. he'd love to do both. but-he cant. i've also learned to accept that we may not get to live here forever. this is very much my comfort zone. i have a terrific job, i know this entire town, and half the people in it. my friends, my family, my whole life has been here. but, it may not be anymore. loving michael means loving all of him. especially the soldier. the person who joined the military is the person i fell in love with. and that person will have to travel. and if i want to be with him, i will have to travel as well. we'll adapt. and we'll be ok. i have faith in that now. i'm excited to see him, but a bit nervous. what if he doesnt love me anymore? what if he looks at me and says "my god what happened to her". i mean, i guess i dont look THAT different. but, there have been some changes. i'm scared. its almost like he's 2 different people. there's the michael that was here before, and the michael that i've only known through letters and phone calls for the last six months. and, i like the new michael a lot better. what if he gets back, and he is that same old person again? he promises it wont be that way, but how can i know? i've learned that i cant know. i can only trust him, and believe him. and i may end up looking like a fool in the end. but, isnt it better to be burned by the fire, than afraid of the flames? the fact is, he's my best friend. i love him, i adore him. he makes me laugh, he makes me cry, but most importantly, he makes me whole. i never feel as complete as i do when i am talking to him, or writing him, or reading one of his letters. sickening isnt it? haha so, most importantly, what i've learned is that nothing in life comes without cost. you have to take the good with the bad, toss em together, and see what ya get in the end. and, if you're lucky, the good makes all the bad disappear. all that we can really hope for in life is happiness. and, even with all of his flaws, michael makes me happy. so, i cant dwell on the mistrust, or the apprehension. i need only to dwell on the joys in our lives. and pray that they last a lifetime.

2003-07-28T16:44:00.000-04:00

wow, its been a while! i've been busy getting ready for baby. only 3 1/2 weeks left now. this wed will be 16 wks that M has been gone. not fun. its gotten consistently harder, as the realization is setting in that he will not be here for the baby. they were told they'd have to stay the whole year, and that has been hard. now, they are saying that may be changed again. they were supposed to hear something definate from the commander last week, but nothing yet! typical army i guess. nothing has really been going on with M and I, we've had pretty calm lives. i still check his voicemail. the other day there was a message from "shannon". i think thats tasha's friend. (tasha is the evil ex that kept calling). he said he didnt know why she was calling and not to worry about it. and you know what, i dont. he's pretty much tried to call me every day. but, not today. they must be busy. i miss him. that hasnt gotten any easier. maybe it never does. surely 3 1/2 months is time to get over it?!?! maybe not. maybe its not something you get used to. he did say something the other day that kinda bugged me. as a matter of fact it was yesterday. first he went on and on about getting married, and then he turned around and said he wanted to find a duty station close to here so that we'd be able to visit on the weekends. (each other that is). OK?????? i was confused and asked him if he planned on moving alone and he said yes, that he assumed i wouldnt go. now, my little mind went to wandering and i immediately thought that he said that bc he didnt want us there. of course he denied it and said he didnt think i'd want to move. where does he get these things? yeah, moving sucks. leaving my job, family, friends, and everything familiar sucks. but, military wives do it all the time. i wouldnt die. it may even be kinda fun. new town, new home, new life... so, why doesnt he want me there?

2003-07-16T11:01:00.000-04:00

well, today makes 14 weeks. havent felt much like writing lately. saturday, t came down to "help" paint. lets just say that was a mistake. it took the 2 of us together 2 hours today the 1st coat. the next day, i got the 2nd coat done now, i know, this may sound mean, but she drove me NUTS. she talked non-stop the entire 10 hours that she was here. starting with the second she walked in the door, and ending when she got back in her truck! normally, i probably would have been ok with this, but man, it really got on my nerves for some reason. especially since some of the stuff she talked about, was stuff that i REALLY didnt want to know! haha anyway, overall, she was nice, but i was just frustrated at the constant chatter. even when michael called, she wasnt even quiet to let me talk to him. at one point, she yells out, "tell him i still love him" and he said, "tell her i dont give a shit". of course, i didnt repeat that. but, seriously, he calls me from thousands of miles away, and she thinks he wants to hear that SHE Still loves him? um, no! haha M said he's checked and they are being told they will be there until february. its very frustrating. i'm so angry right now, with everything, and i really cant help but wonder what the presidents ulterior motives are. why wont he let the UN help? it can only shorten the amount of time that our guys have to spend away from home. not to mention, what happened to 6 month rotations? since when can you send someone on a 10 month TDY when its not war time? you cant. does he not realize whats going on over there? the attacks, the bombings, the SUICIDES? its not good for moral to never know when you will be going home again, and to feel like you wont make it back alive. thats enough to make anyone want to die. i just hope he knows that the blood of all those suicides is on his hands. because of the lack of hope, and the lack of communication with family. if these guys had more support, and a definate time frame for home, they'd be happier. and happy people dont kill themselves. but, he doesnt care, does he? he thinks he's making some big point to the rest of the world...and he's letting our people die in the process. anyway, now i've gone somewhere that i didnt want to go, havent i?
ok, subject change. monday, i went to the dr. contractions. he said nothing to worry about, but that i would probably only last another 3 weeks. but, even though she'd only be 37-38 weeks, it would be fine. said even if she came now, she'd be ok. so i feel better. anyway, i'm going to have to finish this later, bc its time for me to get some work done!

2003-07-11T10:06:00.000-04:00

well, yesterday was 90 days. and wednesday was the 13 week mark. and, i bet you're all thinking we're on the downhill slide huh? NOPE. T went to an FRG (family readiness group) meeting last night, and was told the guys would have to stay until april 04. the entire year. now, she was under the impression that didnt include michael. like i said, they are in different "units" but still under the same battalion. when she gave me the news, she said the entire battalion, but i think each unit has its own FRG, so possibly, it doesnt include him! she didnt think it did, but i dont think she realizes that his unit and billy's are under the same battalion. so-stress until M finds out for sure!!!!!!!
anyway, i talked to him yesterday about the situation w/his mom, and he said he'd talk to her. then he called me back a little later, and said he couldnt reach her. i called her myself after work, and told her what he'd said (about what HE was to be paying for, for the baby) and she said OK. she's going to "babies r us" today, and said she'd get them. she's taking michael's godmother with her to help. she said she'd get in touch with me and let me know what they got. she seemed amicable enough, but it could all be a show. she's going there to look for the stroller (even though i know they dont have it) and to get the crib set that i want. i decided on the all white "eyelet" set. its SO precious. and coincidentally, on sale for $100 for 6 pieces, which is a great price(about 1/2 of the other things i was looking at).
i'm going to try to paint this weekend. not sure if i mentioned it, but the carpet in the place i moved is almost a royal blue. so, the lavendar baby room is OUT. i decided to paint the bottom 1/2 of the wall yellow (leaving top white) and put up a "little suzy's zoo" border around the middle of the room. since everything else is just white, i'll be able to easily transition to the lavendar if i decide to once we move! i even asked his mom her opinion and she agreed that it was a great idea, and that the all white crib set was "beautiful". finally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
well, guess thats about it for now, i'm really not in the mood for writing. i mostly do this to remind myself later, of the appx dates that things happened. hahaha. havent heard from Marci today, maybe i'll email her again........

2003-07-09T09:43:00.000-04:00

wow, has it been forever!! last week was hectic with moving, unpacking, etc. had a little tiff with michael's mother that really rubbed me the wrong way. it was over a stroller, and i think the basics of it were that she didnt like the one that i picked out (which she was supposed to go get, so she could write one of his checks for it) so she was going to pick out a different one! UGH. i finally got to talk to michael about it this monday. he said he'd talk to her and let her know we'd already decided and to just get the right one. i had previously told her that if she could find one with all the same features that didnt BLUE in it, she was welcomed to try. but, trust me, i looked. and there's really not one. michael said she's just trying to be helpful, and its her type A personality, but i think its something deeper than that. its very frustrating! finally went to court yesterday and got all the mess with my ex-husband straightened out. he's in jail for contempt, but other than that, i should have no future dealings with him, legal or otherwise. so thank God for that! michael was very relieved as well. he seems to be doing well. he's on (i guess) some sort of TDY. still in the same country but in a different area. it was to be 2 weeks, then 3, and is not at 4. i keep praying that after that is up they will go ahead and let those guys come home, but its doubtful! so, the likelihood is that he will not make it here to see the baby born, but we can always hope and pray. keep your fingers crossed! only 6 weeks left. as of this friday anyway! michael and i have kinda patched things up in the past week. he's called every day to check on us and see if there's anything i need and how things are going. of course, when i do "need" something, he tells his mother, and she doesnt send it to me...but at least he's putting forth an effort. he's been so nice lately, its almost eerie. the house has been driving me crazy! the a/c doesnt work right, the fridge doesnt work right, the master br closet is broken (the rod that holds the clothes) and the master bath shower is messing up. UGH. how frustrating. i keep telling him, and telling him, and nothing is being done. well, thats not true, the a/c guy has come twice, but only "looked" at it, didnt bother to fix it. the fridge guy has been a no-show twice. the shower guy says he'll be here one day this week, and the guy for the closet has also been a no-show twice. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH i guess i'll have to call the "landlord" again today and see if i can get it straight. its frustrating. especially to someone who's pregnant, and very anxious to get everything perfectly in order in the next few weeks. i know its way too early, but i feel like i need to pack my bag for the hospital already. hows that for panic? haha my next appt is 7/22 (with the dr) and i'm guessing after that i'll have to go weekly. i think in a way, it may make the time go faster! ok, enough babbling for one day, back to the grindstone for me...

2003-06-27T23:13:00.000-04:00

alrighty. its been a few days, again. its friday. i've had an eventful few days, but nothing i've felt like talking about. i only do it now, so that i'll have a reference for later. i forget things these days! anyway, yesterday i had to go to the dr very early bc of severe cramps. they said it wasnt the baby, and thought it may just be ligaments stretching. it certainly didnt feel like muscle pain, but there was on obvious explanation otherwise. they did ask if i still had my appendix, but determined with no temp, couldnt be that. so they gave me tylenol with codeine and sent me home. with a doctor's note to stay home. anyway, michael called about 2 pm. he said i sounded distant..........DUH. anyway, i talked to him for about 10 minutes, and then he had to go. and i was kinda like whoop-dee-doo. then today, around the same time, he called again. asked me "are you not happy to hear from me" i said "did i say that" and i really wanted to scream, NO i'm not happy to hear from you i'm angry. but i was mad at him, and i didnt want to talk to him. but i did anyway. for the whole 18 minutes. and i wasnt even really happy to hear from him. i feel guilty. he just makes me so mad sometimes. he brought up the money thing again which totally makes me want to blow a gasket. anyway, the big moving day is tomorrow...yay. M is sposed to call tmw around the same time...woo hoo.

2003-06-25T14:25:00.000-04:00

ok, so its been a few days. bet you think i've cooled off huh? NOPE. i'm still pissed. it only got worse. got an email from michael yesterday. he didnt tell his mom to ask me what i needed (which i knew he hadnt) nor did he tell her to send me a check (which i thought he had). he told her to come get me and take me shopping. bamboo shoots under the fingernails come to mind. or some kind of ancient chinese torture maybe...like female circumcision. anyway, he tells me this in an email...oh am i pissed. then he says "if you want me to send you a check, fine i will" so i calmly write him back (ok not so calm) and tell him i dont want him to do a $%*&#@! thing. he nor his mother. i want them both to take a flying leap, and leave me the heck alone. he babbled on and on about how she was a big help to him, while he's gone etc. like i care. she can run his life if he wants, but she's not running mine. and if i want to go shopping with someone's mother, i have one of my own TYVM. i have a whole handful or surrogate/adoptive mothers actually. (hahaha) so, now not only am i completely livid with the meddling witch, but i'm livid with michael for being an idiot, a child, and a damned pansy. oh i hate when he makes me cuss. anyway, i told him i thought the best thing we could do was cut ties for a little while. that i needed some space and some time. obviously, i'm going to have to do this alone, despite his claims to the contrary. well, T tells me that if he dies, i'd feel bad, and to at least write him back and "smooth things over". WHY SHOULD I???? anyway, to ease her mind i sent michael an email and told him that i loved him, but that had nothing to do with my decision. anyway, about 1 this morning...ok ok 12:47, he called. he apparently hadnt gotten the emails yet. he was all chipper and smiley, talking and asking me the SAME questions i'd just answered in the email. did i want him to send money. "NO, dont worry about it". why was i mad at his mom. "dont worry about it". his mom loves me. "NO, she doesnt, dont worry about it". she just hasnt been around you enough. "i dont care, dont worry about it". are ya kinda getting the drift of the conversation yet? so finally i said, "michael, just leave it alone, it doesnt matter, dont worry about it". so then he moves on to the subject of "where are we going when i get back". i tell him he can go wherever the hell he wants to, but i have 2 kids to take care of...or will by that time. he starts to say that his mom can watch them at which time i cut him off mid-sentence, and tell him over my dead body. no one will watch them, i will stay with him and he can go wherever and do whatever he chooses to do. then he asks me "whats wrong with you". i told him to check his email. he said he wasnt going to read any mean emails from me. FINE, be in the dark about whats going on, i really dont care. I"M NOT WORRIED ABOUT IT. i'm so mad, so upset, so sad, so pissed, that i think its cruelly unfair. i didnt want to do it, bc i was scared to do it alone...and now, thats exactly what i'm doing. having a baby all on my own. he hasnt done a damn thing to help, not the first thing. and he doesnt even seem to realize why that bothers me.

2003-06-23T15:17:00.000-04:00

hope y'all werent getting too excited with the shiny-happiness, because its all over now. ok, where to start without being repetitive. michael was supposed to send me a check. or, rather, have his dad send, since his dad has his power of atty and checkbook while he's gone. so, i get an email from his mom this morning. wanting to know if i need anything for the nursery...no, why? i told her that michael and i had already talked and he was to send me check for half of what i'd already bought etc, and that i still needed to buy a dresser. she writes back and asks if i want her to buy the dresser (with my fiance's money of course). no, i dont, i just told you what i wanted you to do, which is precisely what your son has already agreed to do. argh. she acts like i'm asking her for her money or something. hello, its not hers! she's not even the one with the power-of-attorney over it. its his DAD. i want to blow a fuse. i have never taken money from him for anything. if that were a factor, it would be just the opposite. over 80% of the times that we went out, i paid. even on the weekend of my birthday if i recall correctly. so how dare she have this snide undertone as if i were trying to take her son for a monetary ride! i'm beyond pissed off. furious. livid. my blood is boiling. who the hell does she think she is? i'm almost to the point of calling my attorney and having him served with papers as to what he owes me thus far, and what his future child support and visitation will be. and just calling all the rest of this shit off. (bad word, bad word) i mean, if she wants control of his life that bad, she can have it, but i'll be damned if she'll control mine! i've been on my own far too long to take orders from someone else's mother. i have a mother thank you very much. and SHE knows better than to try to take over my life, or my childs life. gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!! ok, i need to go calm down somewhere. i sent michael a nasty email about it, and told him i didnt need a mediator in our relationship, and if he did, obviously we dont have much of one.

2003-06-23T09:59:00.000-04:00

could yesterday have been any better? ok, i got the first email from michael, VERY early. around 2pm he sent me another email with the cutest pictures of him...they are linked in my photos. then, when i woke up this morning...you guessed it! another email. i bawled like a baby when i first saw the pictures. but, its ok now! :) i finally sent him a pic of my SHORT hair, but he didnt say much about it, just said he could tell it was a fake smile. what a brat. i told him to come home if he wanted real smiles. i also asked him if he was a prisoner and was being forced to email me 3 times daily as some kind of punishment. haha. i loved it though! it made me SO happy to get 3 emails from him, basically within 24 hours (i know i know, you want to gag dontcha marci?). well, thats about it for now. maybe i'll get another email later, and i can write about it...haha (of course, he may also think that 3 emails in one day gets him off email duty for like a week or so...brat) more later!!

2003-06-22T08:57:00.000-04:00

ok, i figured it out. he's smarter than me. haha he called early friday morning, but he hadnt emailed since wednesday. so, i wake up really early this morning and come stomping into the computer room ready to send him a mean email because he promised to write every 2 days, and well, its been 4. and he hasnt even called in over 2. so, now i look like a dummy, bc there's an email from him, and he's so sweet in it. first though, i guess i should explain my weekend. friday, i got an email from T. she was telling me that michael's mom had sent her an email telling her i was too independent and hadnt asked her or michael for any help with the baby. this made me a little angry...why? because i shouldnt have to. this is HIS child, and her granchild, and i shouldnt have to ask for help. and i dont think it should come from her, this is HIS problem. but i think she meant since she has his POA that she is the one who would be sending me michael's checks or whatever. anyway, i havent specifically asked her, but i've told him plenty of times how expensive this is...but thats already been discussed. anyway, T was very angry with her, so she decided not to write her back right then. haha. basically agreed with me, said i shouldnt be required to "ask". so that was my friday night...woo hoo. connor is at his dads this weekend, so i'm feeling very lonely. oh well, he'll be back soon. anyway, yesterday mom, stepdad, and brother came over to help me pack up some stuff. basically anything that could fit in a box was packed and went to the new house. (i got the key friday) the only thing left in my house now, is a weeks change of clothes for me and connor, 4 towels, shampoo, conditioner, soap, table, entertainment center (empty except for TV and VCR) couch, 2 beds, computer, and desk. thats it. this place is like a barren wasteland. haha anyway, ysterday, we were running boxes back and forth, and unpacking...i was unpacking a box of glasses, and one of my wine glasses hadnt been wrapped well, (the base had no paper around it) so it was broken. well, i just didnt unwrap it, laid it down, and went on unpacking. we finished that box, and luckily, that was the ONLY thing that was broken...granted my set of 4 is not a set of 3, and those glasses are no longer carried at the blownglass shop where i got them, but that was ok. one broken glass in that all that moving, not a problem. until i step on a shard of glass. now, let me say, i am not squeemish. i dont mind blood all that much. i mean, its kinda icky, i couldnt be a phlebotomist but, i'm ok with it. needles on the other hand-well thats another story-for another day. i sit in the floor and i'm like "dang, that hurt, now i gotta dig glass outta my foot". until i break out into a sweat, the room starts spinning, and i feel nauseous. i call my mom and ask her to get it out. she touches it, and i scream (it seriously hurt, i think she pushed down on the glass) and told her to stop, i was fainting. she hands me the coke that i asked for, but its too late. i drink some, but there's nothing i can do, i'm going to faint. i tried to hold my head down, but there was nothing to be done. my brother kept talking to me (in that annoying 14 year old way) about being squeemish. finally i just laid over. i could hear them (sorta) but i couldnt answer and i couldnt open my eyes. i felt too weak to move, and i still felt nauseous. i'm not sure how long i laid there. but eventually i felt like my arms and legs were no longer noodles, and the nausea had passed. so i sat up and got mom to take the glass out. then i was fine. i'm not sure why i passed out, but it was scary. i kept telling her, "i'm going to pass out, and i'm going to throw up" what a baby! anyway, i totally missed my friend's daughter's first birthday party yesterday! i dont think she'd have been so mad, bc she knew i had moving to do, except for that fact that like 4 other people didnt show up. so, she was pretty pissed. i went by there when we were finally done (like 8 pm) and told her i was sorry but i had to get things done whenever i had someone to help. i cant lift etc right now. she kinda got over it. i was the only one with a valid excuse really. haha anyway, i fell asleep over there while we were watching "catch me if you can". i woke up to see the end though. then i came home and went to bed. not a very restful night, but oh well. then, like i said, today i got the email from michael. i dont know if i mentioned this, last thurs or fri i'd sent him an email telling him i wanted to hold off on wedding plans, i wasnt sure he was ready, etc. when he wrote back, his subject line was "no bs i already have ushers". haha. ok, he's not eloquent but it was funny. anyway, the whole email is how he's so sorry about all the "crap" thats gone on, and he really has changed, and all he ever talks about is coming home and getting married, and how much he loves me etc. i laughed at the line "i was crazy once, young and stupid, now i'm just old and madly in love with you, not stupid". (crazy once...yeah, like less than a year ago weenie head). he swears he's ready and he's not going to do anything, ever, to screw up what we have. of course, if i tell T she'll still be reluctanct, and skeptical, and tell me not to trust him...why, i dont know. its almost like she's against this relationship, even though she assures me that is not the case. so, that has been my weekend so far. hopefully, today will be a good day! :)

2003-06-20T11:06:00.000-04:00

oh i feel awful. why is it that everytime i send him a mean email, even without him checking it, he somehow senses that i'm mad at him, and he calls me and acts like the sweetest man on the entire earth? then i feel bad for being mean. and i really wasnt all that mean. he called last night wanting to know if i need money for my deposits. i told him no. he said he was sending some anyway. i said no again. he said he didnt care what i said, he was sending it. i said "whatever michael". he probably wont though. ok, so why did i say no you ask? "MS INDEPENDENCE". i dont mind him doing for the baby, but i dont want him to do a dang-on thing for me. ridiculous? probably. i dont care. pppppllllllttttttt. (that was for marci) anyway, then he asked when we were getting married. which is how i KNOW he hadnt read the emails. he told me (again) that he'd gotten the easter pictures i mailed him (finally) and he'd taped them to the wall by his "bunk". how sweet is that? it just so happened that connor had just woken up and gone to the bathroom, so he asks who's on the phone and gets to talk to michael. thats only the second time since michael's been gone that connor has been able to talk to him, so i was glad for that. he was tired of course, so he just told him he was being good, and he loved him and gave me the phone back. very sweet. then m starts talking about how he's ready to come home, and ready to get married, and he wants a dog. (oh brother).
i told him his cat was as good as dead. he told me to leave his cat alone. haha ok-its "my" cat. i got it as a kitten...not that i wanted it. well, that was round about the time m and i started dating. the cat fell in love with m immediately. so, the cat slept with him, he fed the cat etc etc etc. now that he's gone, the cat is IN MY FACE 24/7. i cant take a shower, i cant go to the bathroom, i cant even walk down the hall without tripping over that darn cat. his name is sebastian, and he gets on my nerves so bad that i call him "se-bastard". he's always attacked connor and been a pain in the butt, so connor calls him "se-BEAST ian". haha we really dont like that darn cat. michael used to spank the kitty for attacking the baby, but he was always the only one who could catch him (the cat strikes and runs). anyway, when i move, the cat is NOT going with me. sorry michael! lol
i talked to T last night, and she was telling me how B was saying all the army girls were acting really wild over there. said they were hooking up left and right and making him sick. haha he told her that michael was having nothing to do with any of that, and that he was hanging out with the married guys and behaving. said coming home to me was all he ever talks about. boy, now i feel guilty! i cant even be mean and feel justified about it. heck, i wasnt mean! haha i really wasnt though. they were things that needed to be said. anyway, we talked for about 15 mins, and i told michael to stay away from those nasty girls. he started laughing and said thats over at hhd, not where i am. fibber. it may be the hhd girls, but they are all right there together. i dont care though. he just told me that to make me feel better, and at least i know from billy that he's behaving! even if he is a little brat boy. he said he'd try to email in the next couple days, so i'll wait on that. oh i dont know what to doooooooooooooo. why do i have to be so mean? hahaha (if i get any comments on that line, you will die). :) ok, thats enough for now. more later.

2003-06-19T12:08:00.000-04:00

well, yesterday i decided to spend my last 30 minutes of work posting. i got a customer, so i clicked "post and publish" and turned to help the lady who'd come in. i get an error, and guess what, my post is gone. and now, i dont remember what i'd typed. i know i was complaining about michael. why you ask? because, the main reason i never wanted this pregnancy was that i didnt want to do everything alone...and we KNEW he was going to war. we didnt know when, or for how long, but we knew he'd have to go eventually. and i didnt want to do it by myself. he kept promising i wouldnt have to. even if he wasnt here for awhile, i'd never be "doing it alone". well, guess what, i am! i'm 7 mos pregnant, and first of all, he's not sent one penny to buy anything for his daugher. not a crib, dresser, diaper, bottle, nothing. maybe he's not thinking about it. but, i know i've said stuff to him. like at least 5 times. and it frustrates me. well, the other day i was in a bad mood, and complaining about the deposits i'm having to pay with the new light and phone companies. obviously, i complained to him in an email. so, he sends me an email asking if i need money last night. for some reason, that pissed me off. because then he says "and dont tell me its not my problem, because you are my future wife, and if you need money i will send it to you". why was i mad? because, i dont need money. i have the money to do what i need to do. but i shouldnt HAVE to do it all by myself. so, i wrote him back and said "no i dont need anything, your daughter on the other hand needs the following." then i sent him a list of every conceivable baby product ever. another reason i was mad was that i'd checked his bank account, and he has a VERY large sum of $$ in there. its bc he doesnt have any bills while he's over there (no phone, cell phone, lights, water, cable etc etc etc) his car is paid for, so he only has credit card payments, and car insurance. thats not much... so, anyway, since his pay basically DOUBLED due to hazardous duty, he has a good bit of money in there. which makes it all the more annoying that he hasnt even offered to do anything for the baby. and i'm confused as to why... anyway, i know my email back to him was mean, and i feel bad about that, but i was very frustrated, and i have so much going on, and the way he worded it (probably unintentional) was like a slap in the face! i just blew up at him. then i told him i had to go before i said something i'd regret. told him i loved him, sent the email, and got AWAY from the computer! haha. today, i'm tired, grouchy, and generally hating life. with that in mind, i'm going to run far away from the computer, before my fingers do any more damage.

2003-06-18T11:06:00.000-04:00

I'm an irredeemably eejitous, liberal, not-too-generous, not-too-selfish, relatively well adjusted human being!
See how compatible you are with me!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

2003-06-16T22:57:00.000-04:00

some scary facts: 1) i've forgotten what michael looks like. ok, not really. i mean, i can picture him in certain situations, like i can remember the time i walked in and he was laying on the couch with his head tipped back and his mouth wide open, knocked out. and i can remember what he looked like christmas day driving down the road talking. and i see his face the night that i told him i wanted him to leave and never come back (of course he didnt). but for the most part, just to recall his face, i cant anymore. and even in the situations where i can remember what he looks like, its a little fuzzy. i remember his bright blue eyes, and how i could always tell when he was lying just by looking into them, but i cant really see them anymore. except in my dreams. when i first wake up from a dream, i can see him so vividly. but as the day goes on, the image fades. and, he leaves me, all over again. anyway, fact 2) i have 10 weeks left of this pregnancy. why is that scary? well for lots of reasons. first of all, i think its important to go ahead and admit that i didnt want this pregnancy. michael did. and the only reason i kept the baby (at first) was because i knew how much it would hurt him if i didnt. he told me he wouldnt leave me, but that he'd never be able to look at me "the same". i know how he feels. still loving someone, but not sure you can live with what they've done. and i adjusted, and i am looking forward to it now. sometimes. well, even most of the time. but not always. there are these few fleeting occasional moments (god forgive me) where i think how much easier my life would be, since michael is gone, if i were single. if i could go out with my friends, partying, drinking, clubbing...forgetting. and then i say, good grief, you are 25, get a grip! i'm not sure i can do this. i mean, kids i can handle. but i HATE pregnancy. i hate every second of it. the baby kicking makes me nauseous. i feel like a blimp. i look like i swallowed a basketball! i still have a waist line on my sides and in the back, and then i turn to the front, and its like, oh man! its funny. how can i feel settled, and be excited about this "family" when i am basically a single parent of 2? i dont feel like i'm in a relationship. i feel alone. and thats not a good feeling. so, scary fact 3) i don't know if i want to get married. or maybe thats not exactly it. maybe i'm scared of screwing up this one like i did the first one. i mean, that wasnt even my fault, and i still feel guilty for it. i've always been sortof reserved, aloof with men. maybe even cold. i dont know. i liked being that way. i didnt want to need anyone. so i never did. i learned to take care of myself, and i probably hurt a LOT of people in the process. from the moment we met, i told people that michael was my "harvest". what did that mean? that i knew i was finally going to reap what i'd sewn. all those deceitful, cold-hearted, malicious seeds that i'd planted...michael was the crop. i knew that my heart was gone. and that if anyone was ever going to break it, it would be him. and he has, a million times, and he never meant to. i dont know if i want to spend my life with someone who has that kind of power over me. part of me wants to run, screaming in the other direction. get as far away from him as i can, build that wall right back up, hurt him before he can hurt me. and then i hear his voice. or i see his name in my "From" box of my email...and i get butterflies in my stomach. my heart skips a beat. and all i want to do is hold him and never let go. but if i do, he can hurt me. he can. it would be so easy for him to tear my heart out if he chose. and there'd be nothing i could do about it. i went to a birthday party saturday night, and saw some old friends i havent seen in a while. one of them said to me "miss independent, i-dont-need-a-man went and got pregnant" it was funny at first. then i realized, he was right. i used to sit around with "the guys" (most of my friends are male) and make fun of men in a bar who would hit on me...stuff like "oh yeah, cuz YOU have a chance in hell buddy". i realized, i acted like a guy. i played people's emotions like a violin. and now, what if i'm being played? ok, not likely, but entirely possible. which leads us to scary fact 4) i'm going to have to move. maybe not anytime soon, but eventually. i've worked long and hard to get myself where i am at my job. i make a good living, especially for a 25 year old female, and i'm quite capable of taking care of my kids on my own. i drive a 2002 car, pay all my own bills, and still manage to squander a good bit of dough on spoiling my son! leaving here, means giving all of that up. its not a company that i can transfer within. and its the kind of job where i'm extremely valuable where i am, because i am the only one who can do the things that i do there. elsewhere, i may not be so valuable. i may not be so needed. i may not find this opportunity again. and marrying michael means moving. and giving that up. and yet, i know that i will do it. because i love him. and if it makes him happy, then i'm happy. even though, i'll be giving up ALL of my security that i've worked along time to build. so my life is pretty scary right now. because, (back to fact 3) i'm not sure that i want to give up my independence. and thats what i'll be doing. and i guess we all "need" someone. but until now, i never really have. and i dont think i like it one bit................

2003-06-16T10:16:00.000-04:00

long weekend. michael called friday night. well, actually about 1am saturday morning. i'd emailed him fri evening, and asked him to call. well, about an hour after i sent the email, he tried to call me at work. crazy nut, it was 7pm, he should have known i wasnt at work! haha anyway, then he called his mom, she wasnt home either, so he left a msg. well, later, he called me again, and thats when he got me. he asked if he woke me up, and then said "i can let you go". hahaha. um, NO. he's such a little brat. like i'm really going to get off the phone just because he woke me up. i got so mad at myself, because he talked for about 20 mins, and i cant really remember anything he said! UGH!!! then i cried when he said he had to go. i could have slapped myself, i really could. how annoying. anyway, he sent me a 2 line email yesterday, just saying that he missed me and loved me, and he'd try to write later. of course he hasnt yet. but, whatever right? anyway, i had a very weird dream about michael last night. first of all, i had a dream that me and a girlfriend were...somewhere. anyway, she had to go to jail. (?) but she had to be sent to costa rica to serve her time. so, she and i walk through these huge double doors, and we are in costa rica's jail. somehow, it turns into this "resort" and she's telling me this is where she spent her honeymoon. so we're walking around looking out of windows at these beautiful waves and stuff. there were just these HUGE waves crashing everywhere. anyway, i said something to her about maybe michael and i should come here for our honeymoon. then, like a flash everything changes, and michael and i are in a room at this resort. we are both sleeping. anyway, i wake up, and we are having sex?!?! sortof. anyway, i half-jokingly say to M, i guess you were having the same dream i was, and he kinda laughed and said yes. ok, so then we really do start having sex. (i know this is gross, it weirded me out once i woke up). anyway, i remember in the middle of this kinda stopping, and putting my hands on each side of his face, like i was making sure it wasnt still the dream (yes in a dream). and he said "i'm really here, honey, and i'm not leaving you anymore" and i looked in his eyes, and he really was there, and i was so happy. and then i woke up. and he wasnt here. and it hurt. and then i woke up this morning with this horrible sense of loss, like if i'd just stayed asleep he'd still be here. almost like i felt guilty for waking up. anyway, now i'm pretty sad. more about the weekend later, i'm not really in the mood...

2003-06-13T22:45:00.000-04:00

got flowers at work today from M. it was very sweet, made me happy. he sent me an email too. and i'm so mad, bc it was at 7:15 and i had just checked my email at like 5 after 7 and then left to go eat. and i think he tried to call about 7:45. its very frustrating... its too depressing to sit at home and wait on him, but it seems like whenever i dont, he calls. i hate it. he didnt leave a msg, but i think it was him bc his mom said he'd called her a little after 7. she wasnt sure the exact time. so, it was probably after the email. thats usually when he calls...after he checks the computer. anyway. he picked a name. finally. i'm glad i didnt have to do it. haha he's still working on trying to come back early, but i dont know how likely that is. keep praying i guess. thats all i can do. its certainly not in my hands is it? he told me to try to send longer emails, said he looks forward to those. i've been trying NOT to, because i didnt think he read them (see 6/12 entry). i guess he does...probably just doesnt have time to type long ones back. understandable i guess. i just miss him, and i want him home! i'm sad and i hate feeling like this. so, all readers, pray, keep your fingers and toes crossed, light a candle, whatever works. and i'll hope against hope that he makes it home soon.

2003-06-12T21:06:00.000-04:00

does this grumpiness never end? i'm so frustrated by michael's apparent inability to comprehend the things that are important in life. whenever i had something to tell him, i just picked up the phone and did it. whether he answered, or whether i had to leave a message, if i needed to tell him something, i dialed the number. i cant do that now. all i have now is emails. so, yes, i may write 2 or 3 a day. but, if i dont, i'll never remember to tell him things. then i'll think i told him, and he'll never know. and, ok, so some things are not THAT big of a deal, but some things are...to me anyway. so, why am i grumpy? because, he doesnt read my emails. i really, really appreciate him writing me, i do! but, he always tells me how he's doing, that he misses me and loves me, and to give connor a hug, and thats it. he NEVER answers my questions. he even told me to pick out the wedding rings and send him links so he could see what they looked like. which, of course, i did. did he even look at them, NO!!!! he wrote back and told me that he was sure he'd love whatever i picked out. well, thats a lovely gesture, but lets tell the truth here buddy, you just didnt feel like looking at em. so then why the hell did he ask? frustrating. as if I dont have enough to do ALL BY MYSELF. and i feel guilty for being angry. sometimes i feel like i SHOULD do everything all by myself, and be happy to be able to do it. why is that? why should i? yeah, he's overseas, yeah it sucks to be him right now. but you know what, its no walk in the park to be me either. i wear this stupid yellow ribbon, and think of him at least 100 times a day. but does he care? does he even READ the emails i send him? nope. he doesnt. oh! i forgot about this one. i sent him ecards a couple times. through an ecard service that sends a confirmation whenever its viewed. have i gotten confirmation that he's viewed any of the 3 of them? nope. he hasnt. jerk. i know i shouldnt be mad. should i? i mean, he should look at the things i send him. but, he does have limited time on the computer. but still... the only way to get him to actually read (or at least respond to) an email is to either put 911 in the subject, or put something mean like "we're through" or "i hate you" or "you're a bad hermie" (weird nickname, long story). then he feels bad enough to read it. haha and, he answers it. which is a damn miracle, i think. anyway, trudie just signed in to msn messenger. she had an FRG meeting tonight, maybe she found out something about the guys...more later!

2003-06-12T15:48:00.000-04:00

and more drama today. first of all, i've been a little offended the last 2 days bc michael's mom hasnt written me. today she writes and tells me that her computer crashed. great, now i feel guilty for being mad. but, that wasnt a very BIG deal. here's the big deal. i was talking to T last night (michaels supervisor's wife). she told me that her husband was the one who actually made the decision to have michael transferred to the new unit. (can you hear my blood boil?) anyway, he called it "tough love" saying that it was for michael's own good, to help him make rank faster. even though he's now in a more dangerous position in iraq. i'm a little upset about this. then T starts telling me about this time that her husband made michael do push-ups until he was "basically just laying there" in the pouring rain. as if the story were funny. am i laughing? NO. now, i understand that B was his supervisor, but he was also his "friend". and as an NCO if you cant handle being "friends" with your soldiers, DONT. but, dont punish them when they treat you like the friend that they think you are. of course, he blames michael saying that michael should be able to differentiate between work and home. and michael should know how to act at work, and treat him like a supervisor, not like a friend. FINE, then he should do the same. why i'm so offended by this, i dont know. i feel like if you are in a position of authority, and you step down from that and befriend a "subordinate" then YOU have to deal with the consequences that come from that friendship. and that may mean your "Friend" treating you like a friend in front of the other NCO's and embarassing you. does that give you the right to take your embarassment out on your friend by treating him like he's inferior? i mean, come on, folks, thats a bit ridiculous. i know michael can be a bit obnoxious, and i know sometimes he doesnt seperate work from home the way he should. but, obviously neither did B. anyway, i'm a little mad about the whole thing. its almost as if T was bragging to me about it. and that REALLY bugged me!
then, i went to the dr today. my blood sugar was elevated when i had my test a few weeks ago, so now i have to go back for the 3 hour test, and possibly go on insulin for the rest of the pregnancy. UGH. that test is dreadful, the drink is nasty, and i dont WANT to take insulin. sheesh.
i may have found a place to move...not exactly what i want, but, i'm not going to be here forever am i? so it should be ok. anyway, on to michael...haha. he did send another email yesterday afternoon. he said he was trying to get on a "pre-team" to come home early. said he has to make "contacts" and be approved. its a shot in the dark, but would be an answer to prayer. maybe it will come through. of course, T likes to rain on my parade and tell me it will never happen. bleh, why me? he hasnt called me in like 9 days. i know i shouldnt be mad but i am. he even emailed yesterday and said he was going to call, but never did. he did email again, but still, i'd like for him to call. i enjoy hearing from him. i had a weird dream about him last night. i dont remember much. i remember he was home (of course) and i was mad at him about something. i wish i could remember it now. it kept me awake for over 2 hours afterwards. anyway, when i finally fell asleep, i had another dream about michael after that though. i just remember that it must have been as soon as he got home, because i remember running up to him, and giving him the biggest hug and kiss. it was great. makes me miss him a little less when i dream about him. of course, then i wake up with the reality that he's not here. and it could be another 4 months before he is, if things dont work out. if anyone out there has a direct link to the man upstairs, put in a special request for us! :) i feel a little bad for fussing about T in here. i think she means well, but i'm easily offended at times. why is it that WE can talk about our loved ones, but no one else can? haha. anyway, T and I have never actually met. just through email and stuff since the guys have been gone. she said last night that M had shown her a picture of connor, but she'd never seen one of me (odd). anyway, i sent her a pic of me and michael through messenger. she writes back and says, "you are so pretty". of course my reply was "no i'm not". she writes back "yes you are! not what i expected...not that i thought you would be ugly, but not that pretty". hahaha i'm not sure what that meant, but i guess it was a compliment. haha. i'm going to try to figure out how to link to some pictures here. one of M and one of my angel ;). we'll see if we can get marci to handle that. hehe

2003-06-11T12:01:00.000-04:00

ok, its officially been 9 weeks today. ugh, i hate this. i havent heard from Michael in 3 days. i know this is supposed to be all about him, but i think you need to understand that all the other drama in my life contributes to my "michael" drama. maybe, if the rest of my life was perfect, the complications with michael wouldnt seem so dramatic. but, there's the problems with the landlord, the problems with my sons attitude, his dad being a nut job these days, hiring someone new at work, the list goes on. my landlord sold my house 5 mos ago. i met the "new" landlord in february. she assured me there would be NO changes in the agreement i had with the previous landlord (who coincidentally was her mother). i could continue paying the mother (who lives next door) no changes in rent etc. they were also going to have several things in the house repaired that i've been having trouble with for quite some time. (things that were supposed to be fixed before i ever moved in over a year ago). anyway, needless to say, i got a letter this week informing me of several (unsatisfactory) changes in my rental agreement, along with a huge rent payment increase. clearly more than the house is worth! but, do i really want to hassle with moving? you're darn right. well, these changes are effective july 1st, and the rental agreement that they want me to sign states that i'll give 30 days notice before leaving. well, if i dont have 30 days to respond, how can i give 30 days notice? exactly, i cant. so, my lawyer says i dont have to give 30 days, since i didnt even have 30 days. besides, i havent signed the new agreement that says i'll give them notice anyway. anyway, thats just one example of the drama in my life right now. and normally, i'd ask michael's advice, but he's not here, and i cant even get a damn email from him. ugh! its so frustrating. see, i wouldnt be nearly as mad with him about not writing, if i didnt need his input on stuff. so, i'm handling it on my own, and hating myself for resenting him in the progress. and as i'm cursing him, he sends me an email. i swear, that boy knows when i'm talking smack about him. he sent me an email to let me know that he loves me and misses me, and he will write more tonight when he has more time. of course, he didnt answer me about moving, but he will later. he only had 10 mins. so i love him again. haha. as if i could stop.

2003-06-09T17:36:00.000-04:00

2 months today. not even halfway there. i got good news the other day. apparently the original orders were for a year, because it was considered "war time" duty. now that there is no more "action" (although the president has not declared an END to the war) they are back on regular TDY rotations which means he should only have to stay 6 months. hopefully thats 6 mos from when he left, and not 6 mos from when they made the change. the FRG (i think that means family readiness group) said that as soon as their mission was completed they would be back. but, still within the 6 mos. they said not july, probably not august, but maybe sept. i'm keeping my fingers crossed. he still thinks he may be able to be home for 2 weeks when the baby comes, but i still think that is impossible. i mean, we can hope and pray, but it probably wont happen. i still miss him everyday. he really doesnt keep in touch like he should, i know that perhaps he cant help it, but i feel like he can. everyone else writes home more than he does. B writes his wife more (like daily) and calls a few times a week, and then sgt L writes his fiance 2-3 times a DAY and calls once a week i think. michael says they dont have as much work to do as him, but it still hurts that my heart feels like he just doesnt really try. i hate not believing him, i know it hurts him, but its so hard to trust him when he's lied to me so much in the past. did i mention that he admitted sleeping with someone after we'd started seeing each other? ok. so, he says that I acted uninterested, so he thought we were going nowhere, and that it was in the first week after we met. (so now its become MY fault that he did this?) anyway, thats neither here nor there. i had a talk with daniel (he's been a blessing from God) and he made me see that it doesnt make me stupid or foolish to forgive. the bible says to forgive as you have been forgiven. so, it doesnt mean that i'm an idiot, or blind, or playing the fool. it means that i can acknowledge his faults, acknowledge that he did wrong, and forgive him for that and move on. forgiveness means stop bringing it up though. and i havent figured out how to do that. because i still wonder about the parts that i dont know about. the parts that he didnt tell me. and i shouldnt. if i've forgiven the actions, why can i not forget them? maybe because i dont know what i'm forgetting? anyway, i digress. this is not supposed to be about that. its about the email sunday. i hadnt heard from michael all weekend, and i was a little sad. he'd called friday (i think) while i was at work, and we'd talked a few minutes, but not for long, since i WAS at work. things were a little tense, as he kept pushing the marriage issue, and i feel like its something i'm no longer ready for. its not that i havent forgiven him, but i do think maybe we need to take a step back and re-analyze things before we jump into a marriage. now, yes, jump is a dumb word for a pregnant person to use when referring to marriage, i know. and i'm definately not saying that we wont do it, i'm just saying we both need some time (back together) to work on the relationship before we add the "strain" of living together, sharing bills, etc. it doesnt sound like it will be any more difficult, but it is. but it hurts him for me to say that. i mean, really hurts him. he panics. and then i feel horrible. like the evil girlfriend from hell. he already refers to me as his "wife". haha and i cant stay mad at him...which is completely frustrating in itself. anyway, about the email from sunday. he sent me a short email, and i snipped back at him. he wrote later and apologized saying he'd just wanted to check in, but didnt have time to be on the computer right then. so it was ok, he did email again a few hours later. and it was a sweet email. telling me that he needed me to "just trust" him, and that he knows this is what he wants. he also said something about maturing, and that his "friends" were 4th on his list. that me, the kids, and his parents rank 1,2,3 on his list. which makes me feel better. but, its easy to want what you dont have when you think you may never have it. what i am saying is that may entirely mean that he wants this commitment "NOW". but when he gets back here, gets back to post, back in the swing of things there, and back with all of his friends, maybe he won't want to be tied down anymore. maybe he'll like his single carefree life again. maybe the fear of being shot, or dying made him "want" someone back home. maybe he wants someone to miss him, and love him, and write him. and maybe when he gets back, all that won't seem so important. or maybe thats just me not trusting him again. but is that wrong? doesnt trust have to be earned? i mean yes, we do live in the land of "innocent until proven guilty" but we dont trust strangers to keep our children do we? dont people have to prove that they are trustworthy? and once you've violated that, shouldnt you have to earn it again? who knows, not me! life only gets more confusing as we get older...oh to be 6 again! well, more later, time to go home.

2003-06-04T17:31:00.000-04:00

i'm evil, and i'm going to hell, there is no doubt. i dont even want to write about this, because i feel so horrible!!! but, i'm going to anyway, if for no other reason that so wendy can see it and really get my goat about it. ok, this is how it all started. we all know i've been more than a little suspicious of my darling fiance. so, i lied. to a friend. his supervisor's wife. i feel terrible. but, i felt like i really didnt have a choice. why? well, here it is. i knew that her husband and michael were close. and that if michael had done anything (in NC) her husband would know. so, i told her that i knew he'd been seeing someone up there before he left. she wrote back and said that she was so glad i'd mentioned it, because she felt guilty not telling me. my heart hit the floor. i sent him an email. told him i was through. that he was a liar, i knew it for a fact, and i was done with him. in the meantime, i emailed her back for more details. he called me at work, hysterical. crying, begging me not to do this. "i swear i wasnt seeing anyone, i never even wanted to, what are you talking about". i didnt care, i was furious. i told him i wasnt discussing my personal life at work. he said i was scaring him. i still didnt care. he deserved it, i was scared too. my boss was standing there "who is that" he asked. i know he was thinking "she better not be having that hard of a time with a customer". haha anyway, it ended with me telling michael we'd have to talk later, and him saying he'd call at 3am (his time...7pm here). he asked me if i'd talked to T (the super's wife) and i said no, it had nothing to do with her...well, he didnt believe me. he went and yelled at B (the super). of course, its not his super anymore, since Michael has switched units. now, its just his buddy, and they had guard duty together. so, he yelled at him for his wife talking about him and "ruining" his life. how funny....now, if he cheated on me, how is that anyone's fault but his? however, i didnt know all this immediately. when i got off work, i went by mom's for a little while to visit. i left in time to get home for his phone call. T was online so after checking my email (where'd she'd written about her conversation with her husband, where he'd call to tell her that michael said she'd ruined his life) i pm'd her. thank God she wasnt mad at me, and believed me when i said i didnt tell him that the info came from her. which is true, i denied it, even though i felt guilty. i did tell him though, that i'd promised the person i wouldnt tell him where i got my info, and that i was not going to break that promise. so, it wasnt exactly like i lied to him. i had promised that. anyway...she and i talked for about 2 hrs off and on, before he called. she told me lots of things that were very upsetting. things i didnt know. like all the weekends michael couldnt come down to visit me before he left...all those weekends he was on recall and couldnt leave the base, not true according to T. at least, not that she knew of. her husband had never been on recall, and seeing as he was michael's direct supervisor, its hard to believe michael would have been if B was not. but, oh well...thats neither here nor there. 9:30pm, the phone rings. its michael. i asked him about the recall thing first. he said we were wrong. he and B had been on two different detail teams (confirmed by T) and therefore weren't always on call at the same times FOR THE DETAIL. also confirmed by T. so, maybe he was telling the truth there. she'd told me about his working as a bouncer at a bar called "flamingo's" on some of these weekends that he supposedly couldnt come see me. he says it was only one weekend, (actually just one night) and he didnt tell me bc he didnt want me upset. now, he told me at 6pm that friday the he'd just found out he couldnt come see me. so, he walks into a bar, and gets a job THAT SAME NIGHT? how does that work? thats right folks, it doesnt. it probably wasnt the whole truth. but, i'm so tired of fighting. he denies the cheating thing, and in her 2nd email, T had told me that she had no proof, only suspicions. so, i have no choice but to believe him, i cant prove otherwise. T told me things that bothered me, things that hurt. like, whenever they were out at pool league (2 nights a week) michael would flirt with girls, act single, etc etc. some girls even came up to T asking about him. T always told them he was engaged and expecting a baby, and they were always shocked because of the way he'd come on to them. ouch. but again, not proof that he slept with or even dated any of them. all in all, it was a hurtful night. but, i do feel better knowing. and at least he admitted most of the things she accused him of. the only thing he denied was the cheating. and he said he'd never lied to me about having to stay on base, but she said if it was due to the detail, she wouldnt have known. another thing T told me. she said michael's phone used to ring when they were at pool league, and she'd always tease him that she was going to answer it and talk to me. he'd always snatch the phone away so they couldnt. why is this a big deal? because it wasnt me. see, michael told me he didnt get a signal in the bar where they shot pool, so he left his phone in the car. apparently not the truth. again. anyway, because i thought this, i never called. well, not exactly. i dialed his number (when i knew it was close to time for him to be leaving pool) to check the voicemails he'd gotten while his phone was "in the car". there were always msgs. from jessica, tasha, shelly etc. sometimes his parents, sometimes a guy, but most times some girl or the other. i always erased them, and thought that was the end of it. anyway, after hearing all these hurtful things, and finding out about all these lies, i realized that as upset as i was, i didnt want to leave him. not because i'm weak or insecure, but because i believe him when he says he's changed. that i'm too important to lose, that he loves me and misses me, and he's truly sorry for what he did, and for the pain that he caused me, directly or indirectly. he said his life was over if i left him. i wanted him to hurt as much as i did, more even. but was that fair? is it MY job to punish him for his mistakes? isnt there a higher power out there for that? didnt God say it is just my job to forgive "as i have forgiven you". when does turning the other cheek make you a fool? Jesus said 70 times 7. even if we take that literally, i dont think michael has quite told me 490 lies yet, anyway! haha (i'm sure its close, but not quite there yet). anyway, i must have asked advice from 5 people (ok 4) before i talked to michael last night...(well 5 if we count T). everyone had slightly different opinions on how to handle the situation. but the one opinion that stayed the same with everyone was dont give up on michael. he's a good guy, he loves you, he wants to make it work, he's sorry and he's being sincere. no one said he's a liar, get rid of him. and even if they did, i wouldnt, i dont want to. he said he's been going to church. maybe it will do him some good. i pray every night for michael's safety, and also for God to direct his path. maybe his going to church is an answer to prayer. its too soon to tell. keep your fingers crossed!!!!!

2003-06-02T10:11:00.000-04:00

wow, what a strange weekend. i was flipping channels on the TV saturday and i saw the fox news ticker running along the bottom of the screen. i stopped to read what was running across. "3rd soldier dies from accident 6 others wounded;they were in a unit attached to tne 101st". immediate panic on my part. log in to centcom. whats going on? the accident was in mosul. thats where michael is. and his unit is attached to the 101st. and i havent heard from him in 3 days at that point. PANIC. serious freaking out. the accident happened friday. surely, if he were hurt or god forbid dead, they'd have notified his family by now. and his mom would certainly have let me know. but i cant stop the panic. so i email his mom. i send her the centcom link and ask if she's heard anything from michael. no she hasnt. more panic. i write again asking her if its been sufficient time for her to have heard IF something was wrong? no news is good news right? she says yes, but i'm still nearly hysterical. i have a birthday party to go to that night, but i dont dare. what if he tries to call?!?! i check my email several times an hour hoping to hear from him. finally i calm down and put a movie in. maybe that will take my mind off of it. i watch the first hour or so, before running back to check me email. he wrote me. he's ok. he's sorry he doesnt write more often, he's just too busy. it was 3am and he'd just gotten off work. poor thing. he wants me to pick a ring out and email it to him...could that be marci's influence? haha he also said he'd heard "from a reliable source" that they'd be home in september. but, he warned me not to get my hopes up... YEAH RIGHT!! he has MET me right? lol i'll TRY not to get overly excited...but i'm keeping my fingers crossed. maybe it will be early september and he'll only miss the first few weeks of his daughter's life. that would be nice. we decided on a first name. Anna-Kate. now its back to finding a middle name. oh joy. anyway, he still thinks he may be able to make it home for the birth, but i have my doubts. besides, its an expensive plane ticket. and i know PLENTY i'd rather him spend $3000 on! hmm, let me make a list. haha seriously, i'd love for him to be there, but i'd completely understand if he couldnt, and i really dont think its going to work out. i guess right now we're just living on a wing and a prayer. i havent heard from him again, since saturday evening, but he promised to write every 2 days, so maybe i'll hear from him tonite. keep your fingers crossed (if you have any left). anyway, i'm off to find an email server i can access from work! haha

2003-05-27T22:14:00.000-04:00

okee dokee here. its only been a few days. 7 weeks tomorrow. seems like much longer. turns out that since michael and i arent married yet, the army will not get a msg to him when the baby is being born. that sucks. also turns out that he had to switch units while he was over there. and it was a permanent change. so, now he's on their schedule. which could be good or bad depending on how long they've been there. he still hasnt called me again. though he did email yesterday. he's being so sweet. i'm worried though! he didnt say much. he likes the name "alexis" though. (YUCK) its one of those days. i'm crabby because the mean ole army wont even tell him when his daughter is being born. only messages about immediate family members. i guess they dont consider his first (and probably ONLY) child to be immediate family. UGH! nothing's really going on, other than that. i miss him, i wish he'd call. maybe this new unit will get to come home early! one can only hope i spose. well, thats all for now!

2003-05-24T23:03:00.000-04:00

hmm, where did i leave off? lets see, the 21st was wednesday. so you dont know about the phone calls right? michael called wednesday night. actually, 4:30am thursday. i'd asked him again about jessica in another email (remember i doubted his answer) and he got mad, and sent me a nasty reply, and i got mad and sent a nastier one back. i mean, REALLY nasty. so, he called. he said he was sorry, she is no one, he's tired of fighting, he still wants to get married, he misses me, he loves me. then he got told to get off the phone. GGGGRRRRR anyway, friday, 3:30 am he called again, and this time we got to talk. first words out of his mouth again were "when are we getting married". how cute. we got to talk that time. gosh, i really miss just chatting with him. we didnt have anything urgent to discuss, so i got to just sit there and chit-chat with him. it was great. then he had to go, in a rush of course, and the moment ended. but, for a few minutes, it was like he was here, just calling to say hi, and how was my day. it was a nice change. but, it ended all too soon. he said there was a SMALL chance he may get to come home for the baby to be born. but, not likely. he also said his new NCOIC (he got moved to a dif company) said they may come home in september!! YAAAYYYYYY. anyway, i'm fighting not to get my hopes up, and still praying that he makes it home in 90 days. i'd even settle for 120. that still puts him back in time for the baby. i'm keeping my fingers crossed. and anyone who reads this better do the same!!! :) anyway, i havent heard from michael since that way too early friday phone call, that really should count as thursday night. haha he said he'd email, but he hasnt, so i guess he's been busy. he's on town patrol now, in mosul, which really makes me nervous. anyway, thats it for now, its bedtime. good night all....

2003-05-21T11:04:00.000-04:00

ok, so a lot has happened. 6 weeks today, for those keeping up. michael got his email back monday. that was exciting. it was the same day, coincidentally, that i'd mailed him a 4 page letter. we have some things we need to talk about! this jessica thing is really bugging me. he finally sent me a sort of answer on her. said they were just friends. his words were "i saw her before i went into the army and we talk every so often." so then i asked, did he ever date her, because thats the impression i got from the word "saw". he wrote back no, she only dates hispanic men. so then i asked why she talked to him the way she did in her messages, and why did she have NO idea about me??? he said she's just jealous of me because he and i are together. well, here's where my confusion comes in. if they are just friends, and she only dates hispanic men, and he really doesnt talk to her that much, then why does she begrudge him a happy relationship? is she lying to upset me, to try to cause problems? how does she know to do that, if they dont talk? does anyone see where i'm coming from? cuz i'm getting a little frustrated here! the rest of the email so was so adorably sweet and wonderful and he told me how much he loved me, and how much he missed me, and how he couldnt wait to get home. so, why do i still doubt him? i mentioned the letter that i sent monday? it was 4 pgs typed. poor guy it will take him an hour to read it. haha. i just cant help but feel like he's hiding SOMETHING. i dont know what, but its something. and it makes me wary. of everything. of him, of our relationship, of my place in his life. i really hate feeling this way. he also said he'd be home in november! yay!!!! i'm not getting my hopes up. he also said he'd try to "kiss some butt" and get home to see the baby, but he wasnt sure that would work out. oh well, more news when i have some! :)

2003-05-16T16:59:00.000-04:00

5 weeks, 2 days. man, this is hard. poor poor pitiful me. i got an email from michael yesterday that said he wouldnt have anymore internet access for awhile (he's only had it 5 days) and he wasnt sure, it may be phones also. (again only 5 days with them). he sent me a couple of name suggestions, but i wasnt fond of them. oh, i feel so bad! but i think i'm more aware of the fun kids make of other kids with unusual names, like cheyenne. i dont want her to have a plain-jane name, but cheyenne is just a little too out there for a child who's BOUND to have blonde hair and blue eyes. i just dont think it will suit her. oh, and he sent her his email address...(his mom). i dont know if he told her not to give it out. and i asked him in 3 different emails about jessica, and he ignores that part. i also admitted checking his voicemail on purpose, but he didnt say anything about that either. its like i cant make him mad. no matter what i do, he's just like, "hey, whatever". in a way, that makes me feel good, because its like he has nothing to hide, but on the other hand, it feels like maybe he's thinking, "well i cant get mad at her for that, because of what i do". almost as if he doesnt get angry with me because he has no room to angry about me checking his voicemail whenever he knows he's doing wrong. does that sound crazy? i'm sure it does, i dont care! why cant i just trust him? because i have issues. and he says he understands that. which makes me feel even more guilty. but then again, for some sick reason, it makes it easier for him to be gone if i can get mad at him about something. and i feel like that makes me a bad person. ok, back to the email thing. i told his mom that i didnt have the address. that i'd lost it. well, she writes me to TELL me that she got an email from him, and didnt even offer to give me the address. damn that made me mad. ok, it shouldnt have since i did it to her, but it did. she thought i'd lost it, and she didnt even offer to give it to me. even after i told her that he hadn't written me again, so she knew i didnt have it. and why am i so mad about that? because i can be. he told me he was going to email her and tell her about the wedding plans. i refused to do it. its not my place. i know he wrote her after he told me that, but i dont know if he told her, because she didnt mention it to me, and he didnt say that she'd said anything to him either. of course, she actually hasnt emailed me in a couple days either. maybe she wasn't thrilled! like i care. i dont understand people today. we get along, we're happy, we're having a baby for goodness sakes, yet people think we are "too young" or whatever crap reason they may have. HELLO, 25....not young. sheesh. and it makes me feel like they dont like me or something. why wouldnt they approve? that concerns me. and it kinda hurts my feelings. ick, why me?!?!

2003-05-14T16:12:00.000-04:00

no word from michael since the email and phone call from sunday night. although, i've done something i feel bad about! his mom wrote me, asking if i'd gotten email from him. i told her yes, but that i'd accidentally deleted it, losing the address. why did i do that? because! when i gave her his mailing address, it took her about 3.5 seconds to send it to every single person that she knew. and i'm sorry, but i'm jealous. if he's going to be emailing someone in the 15 minutes that he gets to use the computer, it should be ME. he shouldn't be inundated with emails from well-wishers etc that he feels obliged to answer. not when they are cutting in on MY time. now, i'm sorry, but thats life. i think its wrong of her to give that out anyway. obviously, if he wanted people to have it, he'd send it to them. that fact that he ONLY sent me an email, must mean that ONLY wants me to have the address. what right do i have to give it out anyway? he didnt ask me to give it to anyone. he did specifically give me a new zip code and asked me to give that to his mom, and never once asked me to share his email address. and not only that, but he could have emailed her and given it to her, if he wanted. and besides, its a military email account, which means he has very limited storage space. so he wont have room for all these emails from all these people. and i'm more important than them, dammit, and they arent getting it from me. so there! they are NOT infringing on the little time that michael can spend writing me. and, i'll have to admit, there's this small part of me, that wonders who all would get it and be able to write him (like tasha, jessica, etc). so, if i dont give it to anyone, it cant get out. and anyone who doesnt like that can bite me. if that makes me petty, or childish, of selfish, so the hell what. I need to talk to him. I need his help with wedding plans, baby names etc etc etc. and he should be writing ME about that stuff, not writing other people who are emailing him because he's a "cause". he's a relative who's overseas. or a friend who's overseas. and he MUST enjoy hearing from people back home. NO HE DOESNT FOLKS. he enjoys hearing from ME. ok, yes, he probably enjoys the occasional card from his mom, or his grandma. but, honestly, the troops over there do NOT want cards, emails, letters, etc from strangers. they understand people's need to support them, and they dont get angry, but its not like they look forward to mail from john and jane doe. they look forward to hearing from people that they love and miss. michael even specifically said to me in his email "i hope everyone is doing good but the only important thing is how you are doing". so no, he doesnt want emails from aunt cathy that he only sees at christmas. or uncle bill that he hasnt talked to since he was 8. he didnt miss talking to you while he was here, and he doesnt miss it now. oh, why am i so mean?

2003-05-12T11:04:00.000-04:00

ok, its monday, the day after mother's day. i've stopped counting days that he's been gone. he finally called last night. he hadnt gotten the mean letter yet! now i feel bad that i sent it..........almost. yesterday, after church, i was checking voicemails. yes, i checked his, i know i'm wrong. oh well!!! there was a message from jessica. (she's the one that called the night that he left). again she didnt leave her name. but her message began with "hey baby its me". i recognized the phone number (the voicemail tells you the number that called) and that was how i knew it was her. the rest of her message went something like this: " i'm just calling to see, well, if youre back in yet, i guess youre not. but if you happen to get in and you do get this, dont forget to call me ok? i miss ya and i'm thinking about you all the time. i'm not workin in ____ (town name) so if you get this call me on my cell because i work out here in _____(new town name)Now. so anyway i'll talk to you later sweetie, bye. oh pissed does not begin to describe. i couldnt let it ride this time. i was nice though. i very politely called her back and asked if anyone from her number had been trying to reach michael. she said "yes mam" (haha) she thought maybe he was back since she'd seen that people were coming home early. i think maybe she thought i was his mom. haha then i told her, "well this is his fiance, he'll be gone for a year, so there's really no need in you continuing to call, since i have his phone while he's gone." she asked "michaels engaged?" and i just said "well yeah" and she said ok thank you and hung up. it was hilarious. i didnt ask him about it when he called, as i dont like to use our phone time for BS, and i had already written him a letter that was to be mailed today. i dont have to do that now. he has email. he has to use the "army" email system, they dont have regular internet access to msn or yahoo or anything. but, he has EMAIL!! and he emailed me yesterday to ask how wedding plans were going. so, i wrote him and talked for a few minutes and then i told him about jessica. he will probably be angry, but i cant help it. i have to know the truth. i dont think that makes me a bad person, or a bad girlfriend, or a bad future wife. it just makes me human. its already forgiven, but i cant "Forget" until i know what it is that i'm forgetting.
anyway, about the phone call. my phone rang at 1:55am. it was michael (of course). we talked for about 15 minutes before the line went dead. damn military phones. it was a horrible connection. but, i got to hear from him, so that was enough. i didnt really expect him to call until after he got the letter (which would be a few weeks). so, i was pleasantly surprised to hear from him. i told him about going to see his parents and grandmother for mother's day. i spent about 2 hrs with them. so, even with the jessica incident, overall it was a nice day.

2003-05-09T10:48:00.000-04:00

one month today. crazy isnt it? an entire month since he left. wow, how different i am now (emotionally) from the 9th of last month. i didnt think i'd live through that day. now, here we are, a month later. and i know that i'll be ok. i still miss him. i miss sharing things with him, i miss hearing him laugh, i miss him fussing with his hair (yes, he's one of those) for 20 minutes, only to have me go in there and fix it in 2, and him wondering "how in the world did she do that"?! he never did understand how i could fix his hair faster than he could. (c'mon now, he's in the army, there's not a lot up there, i dont know what the fuss was all about). i just miss everything about him. the horn beeping as he pulled out of the driveway, and headed home, the phone calls from the "halfway point" to let me know he only had an hour left, the laughing during movies, the way he got mad in the mornings because the cat would come lay with me and not him. it is MY cat after all! :-) but, its not a "painful" missing him anymore. it is in a way i guess. it still hurts a little. but, now, i can remember things about him, and they make me smile instead of making me cry. things do still make me cry, but now its only the big things, and not all of the little things. i still worry about him, i still hope he comes home early, but i dont depend on that to get me through the day. i know that i'll be ok, even if he does have to stay the whole year. i wont like it. it wont be easy. but i know that i can do it. i'm embarassed to admit, that every night for the last month, i have prayed for God to send him home in 90 days. EVERY night, without fail. i always threw in there, rather begrudgingly, some small line about "your will be done" (while secretly thinking, as long as his will is MY will). what i did find myself doing, probably 10 times a day, was whispering the serenity prayer. and i think i have finally been given the serenity to accept the things i can't change, and the wisdom to know this is one of those things. so, while i'll still pray for his safety, and his speedy return, i dont think i'll be putting time limits on God anymore. after all, he probably knows a little more about this than i do! :-)

2003-05-08T15:07:00.000-04:00

ick, i hate my new moodiness!!! i sent michael the worst letter. he deserved it. actually, it was a very polite, "hello how are you" letter. like one you'd send a distant cousin. or a pen pal you just met. it was, decidedly chilly. i let him know that i knew he'd been less than honest about several things in our last conversation. but i did it in a way, that while, he WILL know, he won't be sure that i actually know. he knows he lied, and he knows that i know he lied, but he doesnt know that i've recognized it as a lie. i simply told him what billy's wife said, and then said that it was weird that he told me something different. he'll panic. it will be funny. too bad i wont be there to see it. i bet he calls. i guarantee if he's near a phone, he'll call when he gets that letter. he'll be all upset about how it wasnt all sweet and nice. good enough for the little shit. i'll feign innocence, with a slightly sarcastic tone, and he'll feel terrible, and promise to do better, and i'll pretend to have NO idea what he's talking about. little shit. i told him in the letter i was going to cancel any wedding plans, and also any plans to move where he lives. he'll freak out. haha i told him we'd have to wait and see how things work out once he gets back. he'll think he's being dumped for sure. thats what he gets. little shit. i didnt even tell him that i missed him, and only said "love ya" once, instead of the usual mushiness that i send. poor boy, i almost feel guilty. almost. i just think its so funny. because he knows me so well, he will miss every word that i "didnt say". but anyone else reading it would simply think it was a nice little note. it was only half a page. normally they are 3-4. he'll notice. yep, he will notice, and he will cry. too bad i wont be there to see it. perhaps he will learn...we should always tell the truth...little shit. how many times have i called him that now? not enough, however many it was! i'm so angry i want to send him scores of hate mail, but i know they won't be as effective. he needs to feel guilt and remorse, he does not need to feel defensive and angry. that doesnt get me what i want. when all else fails,you dont fight fire with fire, you fight fire with tears, they put it out quicker. it will probably take at least a month to receive an answer, if he cant call that is. it will probably take longer than that. i think it averages about 3 weeks to receive something, give him a few days to write back, and 3 weeks for me to get it...more like 2 mos before i get an answer. but, that's ok. bc that means its another month before HE gets HIS answer. and thats 2 mos he will be sweating. little shit. sweat away, i know its hot over there! ggrrrr, i'm so mad. and just think, i was all set to send him a cute little package this weekend, with "future dad" father's day gifts. ICK. he'll be lucky to even get a card. that little shit.

2003-05-08T09:54:00.000-04:00

ok, i posted this whole long she-bang yesterday, and its gone. ggggrrrrrr. anyway, i dont feel like repeating any of it. however, today, i have a new complaint. remember i said that michael's mom had the email address of the wife of one of michael's sgt's? well, today, she sent me a fwd from the wife. apparently, her husband is a lot better writer and phone caller than michael is. see, michael called friday night, he only had like 5 minutes. they were getting ready to head out and he'd be unavailable for several months. no phone access etc. WELL, in billy's wife's email, she said billy had called her saturday night (and actually several times over the weekend) and they weren't actually heading out until sunday and he told her exactly where they would be going, and who they were traveling with. over the same freaking phone line that michael claims to not even be able to tell me what country he is in. not only that, but billy said they'd have no phones for a week, maybe more. a week folks, not several months. is michael lying to me? why would he not want to call me again the next day, if they were still at the base, and COULD call?!?!?! i hate feeling this way, i swear it. he tells me in one breath that he understands my trust issue, and in the next breath, he lies to me. was it intentional? we'll probably never know now will we? how can i "get over the drama" as i've so often said i wanted to, whenever it keeps building up. aaaaahhhhhh!!!!! why do i feel so betrayed?

2003-05-06T14:40:00.000-04:00

ugh, i have become so self obsessed!! why hasn't anyone told me? wah wah, poor me, my boyfriend's gone. good lord, get a grip! i even get tired of hearing it. i think its all the stress of everything else that goes on day to day that i dont fuss about. its the kids, the jobs, the constant drama between family members, and then to top it all off, i dont have michael here to take my mind off of it. he was always the one who called and said "how was your day" and if i ever said "fine" he called me a liar! haha he wanted details on how my day was. he wasnt asking just to be polite, he cared. and i think all too often, none of us have someone like that in our lives. how many times a day do we hear someone say "hello, how are you". but they dont really care how you are. and they dont want to know. they are just asking because they think it is polite. its not. i think its absolutely RUDE to ask how i am, and then become angry when i dont answer. because i'm not "fine" and i'm not going to lie to make you feel better. see, we have these customers who come in and i say "can i help you" and their response is "how are you". none of your freaking business, thats how i am. "CAN I HELP YOU". i had a man repeat 3 times, how are you, demanding an answer. finally, i said "well, i'm here, now can i help you?" take a HINT!!!!! i dont want to tell you how i am, because i dont want to talk to you. i want to take your money and then i want you to get the hell out of my life!!! why does "how i am" matter to you? it doesnt. so why do you insist on asking? is it solely to piss me off? one day i'm going to tell someone exactly how i am. i bet that person will learn to think twice before asking. why does this bother me so much? why can i not mundanely answer "i'm fine". because i'm not fine. and i dont know when i will ever be "fine" again. so stop asking! ok, enough of that. is this hormones? sheesh!

2003-05-06T13:09:00.000-04:00

tuesday. i got a mother's day card from michael in the mail yesterday. he's so cute! it really was postmarked 4 days before the letter was, so i'm not sure what took it so long to get here!!! who knows! his mother said she got hers yesterday also. maybe bc they were larger it took a bit longer?!? i dont know. all i know is i'm sad, and i miss him. i write him everyday, even if i dont have much to say, and then i mail them once a week. email would make life so much easier. why he doesnt have computer access i dont understand. plenty of other folks over there do! it makes no sense to me. but oh well i guess. not much i can do about it. except suffer through a 3 week older letter, once a month or so. its hard when you're used to talking to someone 5 times a day, and seeing them every week, to suddenly be thrust into this role of never seeing, hearing from, or speaking to them. for so long he's been my best friend, my confidante, the person i can complain to about my terrible day, or whatever else i may want to whine about. he's been the one to go out and get me BBQ chicken at 10 in the morning bc i have a weird craving. and now he's just gone. gone, and with no time to really prepare for it. its stifling. why am i not over it by now? tomorrow is 4 weeks. and friday will be a month. in one month, we've had 4 maybe 5 phone conversations. we usually have that many phone conversations in one day. my caller ID maxes out at 99 entries for any one phone number. it took us less than a month to max it out, every time. haha. its almost like reading words from a stranger when he writes. i dont even really recognize his handwriting. i'm going to look for a "future dad" father's day card to send him as soon as they are out. he'll get it late, but i want him to have it. i wonder if he's as sad as i am? he always sounds pretty upbeat when i talk to him. i guess in a way, maybe its easier for him? he's not stuck in the same rut. i mean, i know it has to be SO hard being over there, where he has no family, but all of his friends are there at least. and its almost like he's on this big adventure. he told his mom in the letter to her that he didnt really miss home yet. i told her that he said he did in my letter. she said "yeah, i'm sure he misses YOUR home, he just doesnt miss MY home". that was pretty funny. she doesnt seem to be upset at all.......i guess she probably is, but she sure doesnt sound it. ugh, it feels like there's no one who understands. at least marci is here to talk about the mundane BS with, so that i dont totally die from lack of empathy. lol maybe i should email GWB..."dear mr president, can my boyfriend please come home, or at least have a phone..."

2003-05-05T13:13:00.000-04:00

well, its monday morning, day 26. had a tough weekend. michael called friday afternoon, but i missed the call. he did call back (after calling his parents) but by then his phone time was almost up. we talked for a few minutes and then he had to go. basically forever. he just called to "check on me" and to let me know that he was heading out and would have no more phone access. for several months he said. that was hard to swallow. its bad enough when you know its coming, but far worse to hear it. i tried not to cry when i was talking to him, because i know it hurts him, but i couldnt help it. he finally got my package. i had sent him an article on "trust" hoping to help him understand why its hard to trust him. so, when he called, he told me that he read it like 5 times (along with my letter) and how he understood perfectly. *sigh of relief* he doesnt blame me, and he knows why i feel the way i do, he's sorry about the password thing, and he'll try to be more understanding in the future. he said he still hasnt told his parents about the whole wedding idea (he didnt have time before he left, we'd only just decided really, and then he got called away early). i told him that maybe with any luck things would go well, he'd be back before the year was up, and he'd be able to tell them himself, in person. otherwise, he's going to have to mail them a letter, that will take them a month to get, and then i'll have to deal with all the "why didnt you tell us sooner" drama. at first, i really hoped he'd be back in time for the baby, but i'm pretty sure that wont happen. now, i'm just hoping he'll be here in time for her first christmas. still a long shot, i guess. my first letter from him arrived saturday, and was dated 20april. he said on the phone that things had changed since then, so it was really not helpful about his "mission" or how long he'd be gone. he told me that he'd shaved his head, but not to worry, he'd let it grow back before he got home. he said their 1st sgt told them to be careful, they looked like nazi's. i guess its cooler since they have to wear helmets all the time. the letter, as i said, was pretty mundane. 1/2 of it was telling me where he was, and where he would be going, and like i said, all that had changed. the rest was just telling me how he was bored, and they didnt have their equipment yet, and how after 10 days, the only camel he'd seen was a cigarette. hahaha he thinks he's so funny! he said in his letter and on the phone that he was concerned about me finding someone else while he's gone. he asked me why i laughed, i guess he doesnt see just how hilarious that scenario is. i miss him. and its harder knowing that i wont hear from him anymore. i mean, not hearing from him for 8 days was crazy. and it was in teh back of my mind that maybe he wouldnt be able to call anymore. but having it confirmed is so much more gut wrenching. i have a friend who's stationed at the af base that michael flew out of. he said that all of the planes are supposed to be coming back by the end of may, and that anyone who they took over there, would have to come back when they came back. he told me this, bc he called to see if i was excited about michael coming home this month. i told him i had just spoken to michael, and knew nothing of this sort. that michael had said he'd be gone for several more months. i must admit, i was very excited to hear this news at first, but then i realized, it couldnt possible be true. if he really was heading out in a few hours (towards baghdad i guess) then there's no way he'd be back in time to be on a plane by the end of this month. so, now i dont know what to think. now i'm scared he'll be stranded there. especially with all the bases closed. where will the planes land to pick them up?!?! i just want him home. and i'm angry bc i know if we'd do what we SHOULD do, and give the UN a bigger part in the reconstruction and the hunt for WMD, more of our men could come home. and even if it wasnt michael, at least someone's husband, some child's father, could come home. i guess the president has a bigger plan, though sometimes, i have to admit, i wonder how noble it is...

2003-05-01T16:21:00.000-04:00

its thursday now. its been 3 weeks and 1 day. its also been 8 days since i last heard from michael. its tougher than i thought. sometimes, its like he's just gone away, and i have to live without him and he'll be home as soon as he can, and i have to plan for that day, and its ok. and then there are days, like today, when it feels almost like he's dead and he's never coming back. its this suffocating sadness. and it doesnt help when his mom sends me snippy emails. maybe she doesnt mean to sound that way, but its a bit frustrating!! i feel like anytime i ask her anything, its this huge inconvenience to her. and then if i dont contact her for a few days i get an equally snotty sounding email wanting to know "whats wrong". i mean, i dont expect his family to fill his shoes, by any means, but shouldn't it count for something that i am carrying their grandchild? that their son loves me enough to want to marry me? shouldnt that make me important in their eyes? dont get me wrong, they are always polite. but it is a "distant" and reserved politeness. maybe its just not the southern hospitality i'm accustomed to?!?! maybe i'm being overly sensitive. like i said, i've been through this before, and i remember how often my ex-husband's family called, and sent letters and cards just to check on me. and i wasnt even pregnant with their son's child! i guess everyone is different. its kinda sad though. they are my only link to him, and i feel like it is an imaginary one. it could be that i'm just "overly" aware of his absence today. i mean, in one sense, i think of how fast the last year has gone by, and think, it wont be that bad. and then i think about how the last 3 weeks seem to have just dragged on and on forever. i guess time always goes faster when you're happy. oh well, i'm tired of talking about it. more news later! :-)

2003-04-28T10:48:00.000-04:00

day 19. monday morning. i've made it through the 3rd weekend. i realized something yesterday. i have to let all the drama go. this is the 3rd time i've had a loved one leave bc of the military. when i was very young (just out of high school) i dated someone. the military re-stationed him 2000 miles away! we stayed together for over a year not seeing each other for the first 12 mos. no one can keep up that charade. we fought, we broke up. i can remember how hard it was when he left. how heartbroken i felt. then there was my husband. who was sent to korea for a year. and that was hard. both times i felt like i was dying as i put them on the plane. but this was very different. when michael left i felt that same tragic sense of loss. what i still feel, even after almost 3 weeks is this gnawing emptiness. like a part of me went with him. its not the sudden intense loss that you learn to deal with after a few days, and eventually get over. its this disheartening, deflating sense that you cant breathe without this person. i should be excited about the birth of my child, my upcoming wedding, and a million other things. but i'm overwhelmingly sad that he wont be here to share it. i finally realized that i truly have found the person that i'm going to spend the rest of my life with. and all that other stupid stuff really doesnt matter. what matters is that we can both move on...........together. i find myself daily dreading the next year, and praying that things go well over there so as to shorten his time. i'm unable to plan for the birth, i dont want to pick out quilts for the baby or anything, bc i want his input. i dont want to choose dress colors, or flowers, or a reception menu without him. so i just dont do it. any of it. i stay engrossed in the news, hoping to catch a glimpse of his face, or hear where his unit is traveling, or make sure there are no more names added to the list of POW or MIA or KIA. i'm in constant fear for his safety. it's a debilitating sense of uselessness. i still dont sleep, and when i do, i have dreams about war. sometimes good (he comes home early) and sometimes bad. like last night when i dreamed i was watching the news and saw him taken prisoner by iraqi's. i've forgotten what he smells like. its weird isnt it? that something so small can be so upsetting. i finally washed the shirt of his that i've been sleeping with for the last 3 weeks. of course, now it no longer smells like "his" laundry detergent, or "his" soap, or "his" cologne. it just smells like my house. so i cried. what a dope huh? it wouldnt have held that smell for the whole year anyway. and lets face it, it had to be dirty. but it was like losing the last part of him. giving up the one thing i had left. but, even though that happened, i'm now at peace with our relationship. because i now remember why we are together. i remember looking into his eyes and seeing forever. i remember looking at a picture of the two of us, only the day after we met, and knowing this was the person i would spend the rest of my life with. i remember how excited and happy he was when i told him i was pregnant, even though i was crying and hysterical. i remember how he told me everything would be ok, and that this was a good thing, and it wasn't ruining our future just because things got a little out of order. and i remember the look on his face when he stuttered through some long complicated speech of beating ALL around the bush that ended in "lets get married". he was so scared, so nervous, so afraid that i might tell him no. and i remember the phone conversation when he told me that i was his life. that he'd never felt that way about anyone, and that he couldnt imagine a future without me. i remembered the night he played a song for me...the catch line was "thats when you'll know what infinity is". and that's when i remembered why i said yes. because in his eyes is my future. my whole life. and infinity doesnt seem like long enough. seeing his face and hearing his voice everyday for the rest of my life just seems like not nearly enough time. i adore him. and he adores me. and thats how i know that through all of this BS, we'll make it. and we'll be ok. and we'll be happy. because that is what was meant to happen. and i know now why i went through all those things in my past. every step that i took, every heartache that i faced, was a direct path to michael.

2003-04-23T09:55:00.000-04:00

day 14. he's been gone 2 weeks today. i checked his email again this morning. shame on me right? WRONG. there was an email there from an online dating service. he has messages in his inbox. so, i check them. then i start looking at his profile. he did it when he was 24, which means it can only be 2 mos old. he's looking for a female age 20-24 for "erotic chat". he had an msg in his inbox dated march 20 (less than a week after my birthday) that his "profile" had been approved. well, of course i had to, uh, shall we say, edit that slightly. now he's a raging alcoholic who is cheating on his pregnant wife. dont think he'll be getting any more of those emails...
ok, next topic. had my ultrasound yesterday. they werent sure what the baby was. said it looked like a girl, but we couldnt get her to turn around and give us a good view. lol michael was supposed to call last night and ask about the ultrasound. he never did. maybe he was too busy chatting with his online dating service friends. what a jerk!! you just wait til he calls me. boy is he going to hear it. i dont care what kind of danger he's in, he's still gonna get it! and to think, this moron wants me to plan a wedding. A WEDDING!!!! marry him. he who talks to all these girls on the phone, lies about it to me, and then joins an ONLINE DATING SERVICE. i should move. i should go to another state, not tell him where i am. he'll never find me. or i could just move w/in my own town. change my phone number. not take his calls at work. i'll send him a letter, say i'm dead. he's gullible. ok, thats crazy. dont wanna jinx myself. but this online dating thing, its like a repeat of my life with my husband. only back then i would have cried about it, and thought whats wrong with me. not now. now i know he's just a perverted prick who likes to cyber with chics he'll never meet. but it COULD have gone farther. he COULD have really met someone. i dont know if he did or did not. but the intention was there. is it really that big of a deal though? i mean, they all do it right? some look at playboy...i knew he viewed porn on the net. but this is different. this is "meeting" someone, even if just online and developing a relationship. this is not just pictures. so yes, it is a big deal. yes, i am mad. and yes, he will hear about it if he EVER calls!! what a PRICK.

2003-04-21T11:01:00.000-04:00

day 12. its Monday morning. this weekend for some reason was tough. Maybe it was the Easter holiday. Maybe it was being around all the lovey-dovey couples at my family get-together. Michael called thurs night. Technically 1:50 am Friday morning. good thing i didnt have to work Friday!! Friday night i took my son over to his aunt's for the weekend, and then went home and went to bed. Saturday I laid in bed til after 12 moping and then had to get up to go to a 50th anniversary party for a friend's grandparents. yay. it happened to be at a place Michael and I went to together for a party right before he left, and also where we've planned our wedding reception. There were couples everywhere. there were a lot of little "me and michael" things that made it tough. but, i got through, and actually managed to have an ok time. took a couple of pictures to send him. i know he'll want to see how big my belly has gotten in the last 2 weeks. man! such a difference. went home and was in bed a little after 10. Sunday, easter morning, i didnt go to church. had no intention. i'm kinda pouting with God these days. childish isnt it? i still pray every night for the safety of the soldiers, but other than that, I'm not speaking to him. I'm sure he hasnt noticed. lol i did manage to go to my family gathering, though i was about 30 minutes late. Michael brought up the wedding again when he called thurs, so my aunt and i discussed some things. its kinda hard to plan a wedding when you dont know when the groom will be back in the US. we wound up staying at my aunts pretty late, and went home in time to go straight to bed. lucky me, no alone time in the house. that about sums up my weekend.
now for the phone call: it was really strange. i woke up for NO reason that night. i looked at the clock 1:50am. i laid my head back down. the phone rang. it was michael. he bought a calling card, so no more collect calls. at least for now. eerie that i woke up 30 seconds before he called. he had a few more things he needed. since i'd already sent my pkg i had to email his mom and tell her. i hope she sent them, but i dont know. he said something that i have to admit upset me a little. when he called last tuesday he told me that he'd written me a letter and it would take about 2 weeks to get it. then when i talked to him thursday he told me that he'd written his mom, and he'd written mark. (have i talked about mark, i hate mark) he said he only had 2 envelopes, and didnt realize that until after he'd already addressed them, so he didnt have one for my letter. now, this is not true. he had more than 2 envelopes. not only that, but if for some reason he did only have 2 left, who else has he been writing? and if for some reason, he didnt take the rest of his envelopes, and only took 2, why wasnt my letter more important than marks?!?!?! i know that i've been getting the phone calls, but really they are only to ask for stuff. but he writes mark a letter? thats such crap. and mark is such a jerk. and he knows i hate mark, yet he admits to writing mark instead of me. how annoying is that? mark of all people? have i talked about mark? mark loves to come between michael and i. takes him out and gets him drunk, and then convinces him to lie to me bc he knows it will make me mad. i'm convinced it was mark who got him to talk to shelly (since this was mark's favorite bar & grill that she works at). needless to say, i have issues w/mark that he knows about, and obviously they arent respected. and what makes it worse, is that he practically rubbed it in my face that mark was more important than me. if thats the case, he can marry mark, and mark can have his baby and i hope the 2 of them will be very happy together. he's an ass. they both are. you just wait till he calls me tomorrow. boy is he gonna hear it!

2003-04-16T10:40:00.000-04:00

day 7. one week ago today he left. not much to speak of these days. its amazing how fast and yet how slowly this first week has gone by. it seems like an eternity since i first started this blog. but at the same time, it seems like only yesterday that he left me. i think i'm going to cut these updates down to once a week or so, unless something important is going on. of course as i get updates from michael i'll post those, but that boy's lack of writing skills will make those few and far between, i'm quite sure. he didnt call this morning. i knew i was going to do it. i woke up all during the night and morning thinking i'd missed the phone ringing. i stayed by the phone, not even getting in the shower, until 8am trying to wait on his call. which was pointless. i knew he wasnt supposed to call today, but i kept thinking he would. of course he didnt. he got what he wanted. he gave me his address, and his $100 worth of stuff is on its way, so he's happy. why should he call me? ok, i'm going to stop this. he's too far away to be angry...another update in a few days.

2003-04-15T17:30:00.000-04:00

i have started packing michaels package. i sent him a letter in it talking about the baby, and how things are here. i also talked to him about the "trust" issue and the password thing. maybe he'll understand now. it should be all ready to go tomorrow. i got some little stuff that was "easter-ish" since he cant have an easter basket. i'm going to have my son draw him an easter basket and color it and have eggs in it and tell him thats his easter basket! :) corny, but i think its little things like that which will make it easier for him. and anything my son does, michael thinks is pure gold anyway! so i know he'll enjoy that. well, my work day is over, more tmw.

2003-04-15T09:50:00.000-04:00

day 6. for the most part, the bleeding in the heart has stopped, but the gaping hole is still there. i think seeing the POW's rescued, hearing from him 3 times now, and hearing that the war is "basically over". have all helped the terror subside. he called for the 3rd time this morning. it does help to have a normal conversation with him. to hear him laugh, tell me he loves me, and ask me to do stuff for him is almost like he's still here! hehe i still cry when i talk about it, but its only been a week. i cant be expected to be ok already. right? when i think about the hysteria that defined my emotions exactly one week ago, i know that i have gotten a little better. no its still not easy, but i have gone from lying awake for 4 hours in the night to only about 2. which is an improvement. i actually didnt cry when he called this morning. not even when he had to go. being a little angry at him helped some! lol i asked him for his email password and he told me h*ll no. so i was ticked. i didnt fuss at him, we didnt argue, i just said ok. he said i was beating a dead horse. what a brat. how dead can they horse be if the chics are still calling?!?!?! gggggrrrrr. i'll show him, i'll get into his email and then lock his butt out of it. then he'll have to ask ME for the password. so there. lol nah, maybe not, thats not nice. and i am nice. i'm sending him contacts, dip, phone cards, all kinds of stuff. this one pkg is way over $100. boy does he owe me big!!! lol

2003-04-14T17:26:00.000-04:00

did i post about tasha calling? it was sunday that i got her msg i think. she's so ignorant. she's an ex-girlfriend of his (from WAY back) and he hates her! she left him a msg several mos ago telling him that if he didnt call her back, she was gonna take the hint and not bother him anymore. well DUH, honey, why are you still calling? it wouldn't be so bad if she didn't embarass herself by saying purely uneducated things like "why didnt you tell me you was going cross seas". did they not teach english at redneck high? poor girl. i almost feel sorry for her. she has no idea the depths to which he despises her. i mean, dont we usually break up with people for a reason? she cheated on him. with one of his best friends. for months!!! he hates her. how could she think otherwise?!?! is she that stupid? it must be sad to be so completely clueless. poor dumb girl. too bad she doesnt have the blond thing as an excuse

2003-04-14T09:49:00.000-04:00

day 5. michael called this morning. it was almost like my regular morning wake-up call. he called collect, which i'm sure will be murder on my phone bill, but, at least he called!! he has an address, which he'll call back tmw and give me bc he forgot to bring it with him today! haha what a nut. i actually feel a little better after talking to him. it will be about 2 wks before he leaves to go wherever it is that he's going. he wants to make sure i get the address ASAP, bc he needs some more dip. gross! and even though i hate the stuff, and i hate that he does it, i'm a sucker, and i'll go get it and send it to him. he says he needs it, that's all that keeps him "sane". (hey-he was never sane before!!!) he said the food there gives him awful heartburn. said he thought maybe it was camel, he didnt ask he just ate it. ew! guess i'll send him some tums along with the dip, even though he only cared about his tobacco. ole nasty boy. does he ask for any hygiene products, or tums for his heartburn? NNNNOOOOOO all he wants is some sick ole dip. how gross! i swear, men, they dont change! lol well, thats really all the updates for now. he gave me the # of his shop (here in the US that is) so i could notify them when i went into labor and they could get a msg to him. not that it will do much good but at least he will know. that is some comfort. so, only good news today. i still cried like a baby when we got off the phone...buried my head in the pillow and just sobbed, so as not to wake up my son. i told michael what he said last night, i think i made him cry. he told me to give him a big "hug from michael". so i did. he hasnt quite figured out that michael is gone yet, and i havent told him. i think i'll wait a while.

2003-04-13T21:43:00.000-04:00

no more word from michael. i felt a little better today, it helped once my son got home. i really dont have much to say right now. i sent him an email telling him the truth about checking his voicemail. i decided i'm going to have to put more effort into making this work, and making myself happy if i expect to make it through the next year. i need to find a way to shake off this depression and go to SLEEP!!! no one feels well when they havent slept. my son looked at a picture tonite of myself and michael and said to me "i want michael to be my daddy". my heart broke. i mean, he does love his dad, but he sure does love michael. as do i. everyone loves michael. he's just one of those people. ya cant help but love him. and i do. so, for him, i am going to stop this belly-aching and feeling sorry for myself, i'm going to pick myself up, plan our wedding, have this baby, take care of my son, and i'm gonna make it. because i have to. there are too many people in this world that depend on me to be strong. i cant just go falling apart and lettin them down! my son needs me. my unborn child needs me. and michael needs me. and it may hurt like hell every day, but i'm gonna push that aside, and strive on. he'll be ok. he'll come home. and then we'll be a family. and we'll be happy. and until then, i have to make the best of the hand that God has dealt me. even if it means doing it alone.

2003-04-13T09:30:00.000-04:00

A California mother whose son is right now in Kuwait poised to knock
Saddam's block off, wrote her son asking how he would feel if she joined
other relatives of service members in an anti-war demonstration in Hollywood
last month. After reading her son's response, she elected not to
participate.

Dear Mom:

It's really your decision to march if you want to or not. You are the one
who has to decide if what we are doing out here is right or not. My opinion
is not yours. I do, however,have things I would like for you and Grandma and
everyone else at home to know. I am a United States soldier.

I was sworn to defend my country against all enemies, foreign and domestic.
People may not agree with the things we are ordered to do. I would like to
address those people by telling them that terrorism is not only a threat to
us as Americans, but to many other innocent people in the world.

What type of country would we be if we didn't defend the rights and freedoms
of others, not because they're Americans, but how about just because they're
human? We live in a country where people feel secure with their daily lives.
They do business like usual and don't worry about the thought of terrorism
actually happening to them.

The people of 9-11 thought the same thing. We now know that it can happen to
anyone at any time. Yet as Americans we're afraid of losing our soldiers to
defend our security. I can only speak for myself when I say that my life is
an easy expense to ensure that my family and friends can live in peace.
I strongly believe in what we are doing and wish you were here to see for
yourselves the honor and privilege that American soldiers aboard this ship
are feeling, knowing that we are going to be a part of something so strong
and so meaningful to the safety of our loved ones. Then you would know what
this potential war is about. We will stand tall in front of terrorism and
defeat it. We as soldiers are not afraid of what may happen. We are only
afraid of Americans not being able to understand why we are here. I ask for
your courage as Americans to be strong for us; I ask for your understanding
in what we believe is right. I ask for your support in what we are sworn to
do: defend our country and the life of all.
We will succeed in our task and will end the threat of terrorism in our back
yard. We will also end the threat of terrorism in our neighbors'.

We have to remind ourselves of what this country stands for: life, liberty
and justice for all. In order to maintain those rights we have to stop the
threat of terrorism.

I am proud to be here. I will be coming home, but not until I know that it's
going to be safe for all Americans and for everyone I love. My family is
first. My country is where they live. I will defend it.

Lonnie J. Lewis
Navy corpsman
C Co. 1/4 WPN PLT
UIC 39726
FPO AP 966139726

P.S. Mom, please send this to everyone who has a hard time understanding why
we are here. Ask the paper to put what I've said in a column so that others
will know why we are here and what we are here for. I love you all and will
be home soon. I left my address so that if anyone feels like writing to let
me know how they feel, they can.

2003-04-13T09:15:00.000-04:00

day 4 has begun. its sunday now. hearing from michael did help me sleep a little. i was still awake at 6am though. despite that, its the best nights sleep i've had in almost a week. i keep waiting for the pain to lessen, even if only mildly, but it hasnt. i'm still obsessed with having a phone by my side in case he calls, and i check my email 50 times a day. i wanted to ask him, when he called, who Jessica was, but the lump in my throat wouldnt let me. it was so good just to know that he was ok, that all of the rest seemed to fade away. if it were possible to sleep, i think i'd just go back to bed. at least when you're sleeping the hole in your heart doesn't throb painfully. well, i guess i'll go watch the news now, with the phone by my side, and i'll run to the computer every commercial break to see if he has written. its almost 4:30 in the afternoon over there. and michael, wherever you are, we love you!

2003-04-12T23:54:00.000-04:00

well, after 64 hours of not hearing from michael he finally called. he could tell me nothing. not even what country he was in. he hadnt gone to where he was supposed to be yet though, so my assumption was that he was still in kuwait not iraq. however, if that were the case, i think he'd have more communications access. whatever that means. he couldnt tell me if he was there to fight a war, or as part of the peace-keeping mission in the coalition controlled cities. nothing. he just asked how i was holding up and told me that he loved me and that he was ok. asked me to call his parents for him, and then he had to go. it was a relief to hear his voice, but heart wrenching to know that he's so far away. he hadnt been able to use a computer, didnt know when he'd be able to use the phone again, and didnt yet have an address that we could send letters to. he promised to write when he could. i find myself at least 20 times a day muttering the one-line prayer, "God please keep him safe and bring him home soon". i felt horrible lying to him and telling i was fine as i bit my lip to keep the tears from falling. i try to concentrate on each day as it comes, but i find myself unable to sleep and unable to be in this house. but i dont want to be around anyone in this state either. as depressed as i am, i know i must depress others. heck, even i dont want to be around me. its midnite now, and i'm going to attempt to go to sleep. although i know that it will just be another miserable night of tossing and turning before beginning day 4.

2003-04-12T08:23:00.000-04:00

quick update of last night. i called the girl and hung up. really quite clever. she called back. said someone had called her. "i'm not sure" i said, "whats your name?" "jessica". "nope sorry, we dont know any jessica, must have been a wrong number". so now at least i have a name. called his mom. we talked for more than 2 hours. but she doesnt know a jessica. she tried to look up the address, but it didnt work. but our mystery lady now has a name. i stayed up until past one last nite. hoping it would help me sleep. it didnt. and by 6:30 this morning, there was no use trying anymore. and thus began.....

day 3 of life without michael. its saturday. the day that we've always had together. normally by this time michael would have wakened me and complained about being hungry or bored! he would have been ready to start the day. start our time together. hang out, go get breakfast, watch some TV, go to the mall, something. anything to spend time together before tomorrow comes and he has to leave. only, this saturday, there's no michael. no hanging out, not even a phone call to say he's alive. its been 53 hours since i last talked to him and a week since i've seen him. its only the beginning, and yet it feels like the end of my life. where is he, is he safe, is he scared, did he remember to fill his canteens, does he have everything he needs, is he sad?

his mom told me last night that he told her about the fight we had. why did i feel the need to defend myself? wasnt it his fault for lying? but, surely he didnt tell her the truth about all that did he? probably not. so i give her a very short version of my story. apparently its not exactly the same as his. she understands why i was upset. but does she really? her dad went to war when she was a little girl, and her husband went to vietnam (before they were married, only dating) when she was a senior in high school. so, she knows how it feels. but does she? she wasnt pregnant. and she got to say goodbye. face to face. i didnt. and i may never have the chance to talk to him again at all. his cmdr said they were going to "hit the ground running". to me, this means they were in imminent danger the second that plane landed. is no news good news? who knows...

2003-04-11T13:28:00.000-04:00

got email back from his mom, she wont give him the address. she understands why i dont want him to have it, and she thinks its best if we just put it behind us. easy for her to say. but i am glad to know she was at least on my side! to an extent anyway. at the very least she doesnt think i'm a petty jealous fool. which is comforting. i feel better now, and i think we'll be ok. also comforting. now if i can just get through this first weekend without him. its not like i can go out and drink my blues away...(not that i would). kind of a bad thing for pregnant women to do. my sarcastic humor is escaping me today. that didnt come out as funny as i thought it would. michael would probably kick my butt if he read this...well, i am bigger than him these days. on the bright side of this whole war trauma is the fact that i'll be able to lose all the baby fat and be slim, trim, and hot by the time he gets back! poor thing probably doesnt remember what that's like. no more hormonal mood swings, no more sending him out for BBQ chicken and fried mushrooms at ridiculous hours of the night. lucky boy. he may have planned all of this! :P
on a lighter note, the other woman at work is really pissin me off! can i say that? a customer came in to complete an app. the other lady, we'll call her anita, thought it was one of my customers. i was busy. so i asked her if she wanted the paperwork to finish it. she told me no, and made the lady wait. turns out, its not my customer at all. its betty's customer who's gone to lunch. so, since its not mine, i send her right back to anita. she should have never been so rude to me in the first place. sitting back there on a personal call not wanting to work. so, now i'm sure she's mad. i dont care. i have NO time for her drama, i have enough of my own!!!

2003-04-11T11:32:00.000-04:00

day 2 life without michael. its friday. normally my favorite day of the week. bc it was the day i got to see michael. but not today. no michael weekend. no hanging out with our friends, no going to the movies, no cuddling on the couch. just this lonely empty feeling thats so all-consuming that its hard to breathe. had another sleepless night. those will never end. did i mention i've been through all this before? i was married once, not for long. 3 weeks after i got married, my husband got sent to Korea for a year. so, these really arent new feelings for me, but they're a lot more painful this time. and i'm not sure why that is. my first marriage ended bc of the year-long seperation. that husband though, couldnt keep his hand off the bottle, or his zipper closed. maybe that explains some deep rooted trust issues huh? cant let a man outta your sight i guess. thats not fair, plenty of men dont cheat. i guess. i've never met one, but i've heard they exist. and i have no concrete evidence that michael has ever done anything wrong. but i'm paranoid. why am i talking about this again? perhaps dwelling on his faults makes it a little easier that he's gone?

2003-04-11T11:06:00.000-04:00

ok, his mom called and left me a msg. she wants the address. thinks she may be able to find out who it is. why would i do that? what if it is some chic he was seeing, and what if his mom sends him the address? ok, so this all sounds a little nutty right? i mean, why would she do that to me? i'm carrying her grandchild. her son and I are supposed to be getting married. she has no reason to go behind my back. does she? why dont i trust him? why dont i trust her? she's never done anything to me. but he has. and she's HIS mother. and blood is thicker than water. so, maybe she'll always take his side, no matter how wrong he is, or even if her grandchild gets hurt... or maybe not. maybe she wants to help me find out who it is. not many mothers would do that to their sons though. anyway, i emailed her back, and just told her that michael and I had a few problems with a "girl" in the past, and that i was pretty sure this was the same girl, and therefore didnt want him to have the address, but if she still wanted to find out who it belonged to she was welcome to do so. i havent heard back. she's probably mad that i dont trust her son. that's what he gets for lying to me in the first place. trust is not something you deserve, it is something you earn. and its harder to earn it once its been lost. but its not impossible. and its hard not to trust him when he's in the middle of a war...right? so-what to do? i have NO idea. i think the distance thing has been a real challenge for us. we dont live in the same town, he's stationed in another state. its only 2 hours away, so we were together most weekends. it wasnt bad, but it made it difficult to trust what he did during the week. especially with all the msgs he was getting! ok, this is not supposed to be about all of that. why am i dwelling on the past? get a grip girl.

2003-04-10T22:07:00.000-04:00

oh, one thing i forgot to mention. i asked his mom if she recognized the address. she sounded a bit nervous but said no. i didnt tell her how i got it. i felt bad lying, but i had to know. she said she knew he had some friends in that area (its actually a neighboring town to where he grew up, but only 15 mins away) but wasnt sure who's address that was. she confirmed, though, that it wasnt a family member. which is what i really wanted to know. so, then, who was she? he promised me no more talking to girls after the "incident" monday night. did he lie? or is it conicidence? she did know he was leaving wednesday, which he didnt know until monday. maybe i am a fool after all. or maybe i'm just overreacting. no matter. goodnight michael, wherever you are.

2003-04-10T22:01:00.000-04:00

more bad news. man oh man. does it ever end? i checked his voicemail. i know it was wrong! but, bc of things in the past i feel like i have to. there was a msg from a girl. she called him sweetie. only identified herself as "me". said she'd miss him and think of him everyday and hoped he'd write. she left her address. and her cell number. i called her. but she didnt give her name. why was she calling him? she was from his hometown. which is strange. i KNOW he hasnt really hung out there in months. she couldnt be someone he was THAT close to. could she? i mean, she did know he was leaving. i want to confront him, but i know if he calls or writes, i wont have the heart. i do love him. but sometimes i dont trust him. or more importantly, i dont trust his love for me. he's my best friend. he's so sweet, and so funny, and everyone loves him. so why does he want to be with me? he's the life of the party, and i'd rather stay home. dont i ruin his fun? none of that matters now though. bc he's gone. and he needs me to be here for him, for better or worse, waiting on him to get home. its bedtime. more than 24 hrs since he left. my heart hurts, and i dont think i'll be able to sleep. but, i have to try.

2003-04-10T15:23:00.000-04:00

and it just keeps getting worse! i just got another email from michael's mom. i asked her what was the return date on his orders. he had told me he thought he'd be gone for 6 or 7 months. wrong. his orders are for a year. an entire year. which means his child will be 9 mos old before he ever meets her. (i say her, we dont know that yet). it was bad enough thinking i had to go through delivery and the first couple of months alone. but now we are talking about almost the first year of her life. with no daddy. she wont even know who he is the first time she sees him. my heart breaks for all of us! i dont know how much more bad news i can stand. i'll have to continue to pray that things end quickly over there, and maybe, with any luck, he'll make it home sooner.

2003-04-10T14:18:00.000-04:00

ok, who do these people think they are? my uncle told my mom on monday that we'd found out michael had to leave. her response? oh goodie. she must be the evil spawn of satan. of course, she apologized for saying it, but still!!! this is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with! the father of her grandchild-to-be. why would she wish ill on him? oh the drama! i guess we all have our reasons. oh well, she's still on my list! and what about these customers? dont they know i'm sad? dont they know i dont feel like dealing with their petty problems? do i care that it was raining and they didnt see the mailbox that they ran over? NO! my fiance is risking his life. i dont care about your stupid mailbox!!! but they dont understand do they? they think their insignificant problems are my whole life. "as the world turns"

and then there's the people who mean well. the one's who say "so, have ya heard from michael"? are they trying to make me cry??!! do they want to upset me? is it funny? even people who are supposed to "know" me so well, the first thing out of their mouths when they see me standing there all teary-eyed and rednosed is "how are you holding up?" how do you THINK i'm holding up? i want to die. i want to go into a 6 month coma until he gets back. or at least until the hurt stops. why do people think that helps? human nature is a catastrophe.